What should I do about this money?

[cararri]

I'll try and be brief, I'll have to fudge a couple of details too so forgive me if I get my wires crossed doing that.

I have had a very troubled relationship with both my parents. They have a troubled relationship with each other. They have no friends and have fallen out with every other relative. They both have narcissistic traits and my Dm is very codependent. I am late 30s, only child.

The emotional and psychological abuse, plus the sabotage and lying from my Ps have been truly awful. The levels of control they achieved over me were unbelievable. I look back now and I can't understand how I got so worn down as to accept it all. Financial control has been a huge thing.

The thing is, a few years ago, my DF really calmed down. He was still not great and his attitude towards me was still one of disinterest and demands but it was as good as it was ever going to be. Sadly at this point my DM escalated her behavior enormously. She became very manipulative, verbally abusive and cruel to me.

Very sadly she also confirmed a few enormous lies that have had huge consequences for me. These were not small lies either, they were prolonged campaigns of pretending to be interested and involved in good things I was trying to do and making sure they didn't happen. Very deliberate. A couple of these things were related to finances and education.

Anyway. My DPs are well off. Not like the Windsors or anything but comfortably off. They set up a few savings accounts for me and gifted me the money. We are talking in the 10s of 1000s. I was not allowed to touch these. Fair enough.

I do realise that this was very generous of them and that there are people out there who would love to be able to do this or receive this kind of help and can't. I also know that my Ps came from very poor backgrounds and to them this is like… why would I not just accept whatever their demands are in return for such a huge advantage.

At the start of 2019 I went through a few problems and was struggling. I did not tell my Ps this, I tell them as little as possible. They found out through opening post that I was in my overdraft and offered me some money. Let's say 1K. I stupidly accepted. I didn't live with them at the time but my Dm insisted my bank statements got sent to their house. I did say not to open them but she would say she did it by mistake..pause…and then say I would never know if it was a mistake or on purpose anyway.

After this my DM said she wanted to have access to all my bank statements and that in return for her putting money in my account which she would regularly do she would go through all the spending with me and discuss it and tell me what I was allowed to use the money for. I thanked her and said that was very generous but I felt it was not a good idea. So I basically said no thanks to a gift of money every month. This went down like a sack of the proverbial.

She also said that because I would inherit money and a house she wanted me to do nothing with my life except what she said. This would have meant becoming single, moving back in and asking permission to go anywhere or see anyone. I was very much her response was "you'll have it all when I'm dead, can you not wait until then, you just want me dead now so you can have more money!" I left, very, very upset.

I have trouble clearly remembering this as it was so confusing but she was also insisting I stop working. She was saying I could go on benefits and give the money to her and she would pay for whatever I wanted that she approved of. Seriously though, I can't even really remember that part. When people behave this way it makes you feel crazy yourself and you shut down.

In 2019 I became very ill. I used one savings account to enable me to survive really. Me and my Ps were NC at the time. There is another account I have not touched.

I felt awful using the money, like I was stealing. However, I was very ill and the money was in an account in my name and I thought well, would my Ps really want me to languish and suffer when there is an account there with funds in it? It all feels very odd.

There are 3 other accounts with significant funds in them. These are online accounts and the login details and the old phone I used to verify etc are at my parents house.

As I am aware this is getting long let me just say there is NO WAY I can just go round and talk to them. It just does not work like that. My DM has all these rituals she needs me to do before she even let's me cross the threshold. She is incredibly mean and abusive from the first second of opening the door. She will literally corner me and then square off to me (she is tiny, I am not) kind of making it feel like I would have to physically mover her to get away. She lies in the extreme. She tells my DF one thing and me another. My DF is a self pitying bully who has no patience for anyone or anything and goes into meltdowns. She says disgusting things about people's appearance and I am not looking my best after being ill for so long. I don't really feel up to someone I actually care about taking the piss out of my thin hair, weight gain or things like that. She did that to a horrible extreme before I was ill, when I was quite well actually.

The thing is, they really need to take this money back, don't they?

There is no reason they can't login to these accounts themselves and technically they could take the money out again. That's fine with me, it's theirs. I suppose that's not technically legal though?

Also, say I did login..how do I send that much money back to them? I am guessing there is a limit on how much money I can gift to them in one year etc? This was all set up over the years with the cash as gifts to me basically.

I have come to understand that my DM will manipulate any chance she gets. She sees money as the golden chalice of manipulation. I can't see how this will ever be resolved because she won't ever want to drop that advantage. As I already said, she'll spin it one way to my DF and then spin it to me a different way. When she gets us together she gets very aggressive because she doesn't want to get caught out lying, which happens.

I can't really carry on having accounts in my name that I can't access, don't know what is in them and try and make my own financial plans on that basis. I can't resolve this is person.

The three accounts have approximately 3 Xs the amount in the account I have access to. I don't want to return the one I have access to. I don't know if that's a reasonable position to take or not.

I literally don't know what to do.

Lots of good advice on here. Take control of the rest of your life. Start by taking control of the money as suggested by everyone on here. It was likely gifted by your parents as part of their inheritance tax planning, but in any case it is yours. Use it however you want. Perhaps work on the basis that even when your parents die you will not inherit anything, and that the money you now have in the 3 accounts might be the end of it, so get control of it and use it to help get your life back on track. I'm so sorry your parents are like this, especially as an only child.

@cararri

Hi *@Freddiefox* basically I am NC but would ideally like a relationship, I just don't know if that is possible. I also know that right now trying would not be in my best interests.

The money is theirs and they have gifted it to me. So the account has my name on etc. I don't view it as my money if that makes sense.

I think I will have to contact my Ps and ask what they want me to do a) arrange new access as you say, which means I don't have to be in their house to deal with the accounts or b) I arrange new access and gradually return the money.

The money is theirs and they have gifted it to me.

it can't be both

take the money - forget them

The money is yours, legally and morally. I would keep it, but you can return it is that feels better. You could do something like put it in an ISA while you consider what is best to do, there's no rush.

Agree that the first step is contacting the bank to change your address and get an accurate statement.

Count the money as compensation for emotional abuse.
Remain non-contact for now.
Contact the banks involved with your identification and set up access - spend some of the money on counselling or whatever protects or promotes your mental health.
Make sure your bank statements for all of your accounts go to your address and sever any other ties/links which seek to control or manipulate you.

You need to look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for starters because your parents treat you appallingly and you still want a relationship with them. You have to look at why. Short version is they have abused you so much you think that you should have a relationship with them.

Firstly, move all the money out of those accounts. Contact the banks/organisations that hold them and find out how you can gain access/transfer the money out. Set up an account to put all this money in.

Secondly, sadly you have to accept that your parents will never be the parents you want or that you deserve. It is a very hard thing to come to terms with. I have this with my Dad but he is nowhere near as horrific as your parents are.

Thirdly, this is not their money, they have gifted it to you, it is yours, to spend as you wish. All the money they currently have themselves and in their property may all be swallowed up paying for care. The cost of care is very high and they could burn through it all or they could just give it all away in their wills and you wouldn't see any of it. Stop letting them lord it over you on that front.

And lastly, you might want to look at the relationships board for the Stately Homes threads and possibly post on there about your relationship with your parents if you want pointing to some excellent resources.

@cararri my heart goes out to you on this. Your parents sound incredibly abusive and controlling. Well done to you getting out of there and going NC.
I can’t understand what you mean about rituals: this sounds so odd! But I can imagine being cornered (my mum does this when she is really angry: and although I could physically push past her, I couldn’t actually bring myself to do so, and I feel very scared when she does it!)

I would make an appointment with the bank and explain that you have these accounts but your controlling parents have access. Explain you want new log in details and absolutely no comms to be sent to their house. You must be firm on this as many banks automatically send a letter to the old address when there is an address change

Can you not go to the banks with your ID and explain you've lost all the details. You might have to prove who you are etc but you are entitled to the funds. Move the money somewhere they can't access and then they don't have the control?
If you don't know which banks there is a find my lost account service.

You have a job, and you don't live with your parents, so you have an income and a home. You hate your parents .

There's no reason for you to go to their place, at all, or ever see them again. SO WHAT they have put their money in three accounts in your name, and they can log in and get it? You said you don't want their money, so just walk away.

I can't really carry on having accounts in my name that I can't access, don't know what is in them

 Why?   Those  accounts make absolutely zero difference to your independent life.  

  You just seem hellbent on using their existence  as a means to  perpetuate   a  deeply damaging relationship  with your parents.   

  You have the option to walk away and never look back.

If you CHOOSE to maintain contact with your coercive abusive controlling mother, then at least take responsibility and own it as your decision.

So you want to keep one of the accounts because you've spent that money but don't want the others. You've been NC for two years so they haven't been able to manipulate you in that time and the money is sitting in accounts accruing interest.
I'm not sure what you want and I don't understand why you're discussing what they want.
If this is a grand gesture to cut ties (even though you're already NC) then it seems a bit futile.
If this is about showing them that you're keeping one account and returning the others, then it seems inconsistent.
There could be tax implications depending on your other finances and what is in the accounts. If you want to take all the emotion out of this, go see a financial advisor. Then get the financial advisor to send a letter to your parents requesting all the account details so you can receive appropriate tax and savings advice.
Once you have the bank details, you can close the accounts and return the money or vice versa, return the money then close the accounts.

The money IS yours. It's not leaving your parents destitute, so just get it into accounts you have control over.

However, that's not really the main problem is it?

The main problem is that you want a relationship with your parents, but they're incredibly dysfunctional and bad for you. It's very sad, but we have to deal with 'what IS', not what we want in an ideal world. I think the only sane thing to do is get your head around being NC with them & never having the relationship you'd like, because they simply are not cape able of it.

I'm really sorry that they've done this to you and they are NIT the parents you deserve. But any engagement with them is just going to mess you up more!

Use the money to get well, both physically & emotionally xx

I think you've earned that money. Set up an account only you have access to and transfer it all into it. Then go fully NC. And get on with your life.

If the accounts are in your name, move the money to accounts your parents don't have access to. New bank, new account. Move house. Just move forward without them.

It's as simple as this:

• the money is yours. Speak to the banks involved about how to prove your identity so that you can access it.

• your parents are abusive. End your relationship with them permanently, because they will not change.

Look how long your post is compared with the bare facts; that's how much they've addled your mind.

Get free of them.

@TheFoundations

It's as simple as this:

• the money is yours. Speak to the banks involved about how to prove your identity so that you can access it.

• your parents are abusive. End your relationship with them permanently, because they will not change.

Look how long your post is compared with the bare facts; that's how much they've addled your mind.

Get free of them.

This.... people keep telling you to ask the banks how to access the accounts and move the money into an account only you can access, but you have said I think I will have to contact my Ps and ask what they want me to do PLEASE do not do that. You are an adult. You have a job and a home. You don't need to be at the mercy of abusive people, and go back to ask them for advice andget more abuse. Please get some counselling or see Citizens Advice Bureau. Take control of your own life, make your own decisions without reference to anyone else. As several posters have said you need to have sole control of money in accounts in your name for tax and other legal reasons. Also as other PPs have said, spend the money on repairing the damage your parents have done to you. I think you need to separate the issue of these accounts from the issue of your relationship with your parents. Sort out the accounts first without reference to your parents. There is simply no rush to make decisions about what to do with the money. Take your time. Then you can get some counselling and help to decide what to do about the experience you've been through and your relationship with your parents. I think you have been treated very badly and have suffered a great deal, so be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

@2bazookas this does impact her having the money in her name. If she requires benefits, she wouldn’t be entitled to them due to having this money. HMRC know how much money everyone has in their bank accounts: a daily feed is sent from all UK banks

I think you need some financial legal advice like what @Lettitbee said.

I would personally stay away from abusive parents and cut my losses financially. In that sense I'd probably keep what they had given me, or some of it i.e. enough to give me a stable life, because they have taken from you in so many abusive ways,

forget about any inheritance, and write them a letter to explain my feelings and that I hope one day to have a relationship with them but its my life and I don't want anyone dictating to me how I live it. Then leave it a very long time 5-10 years and just go enjoy your life and be you.

@HyacynthBucket

OP It sounds as though you are conflating the money with the relationship. Do you feel that taking ownership of the money ( which is yours and in your name), would somehow end the relationship with your parents?

Yes, really. I think they would view taking ownership, which they have purposefully set things up to avoid would be seen as a betrayal by them and therefore there would be no way back even though I have not seen them for 2+ years as it is. I know covid has occurred but tbh that had no real bearing.

My mum actually said to me "when we're dead you will be free"...such a sad way to live your life.

My DF actually said to use it...but he ambushed me with this then literally ran away shouting not to tell my DM. He could also easily claim to not remember that as all communication with him is very much in short bursts.

I agree with everything you've said.

Yes you need to break free of your parents.
The money is yours as they gifted it to you.
If you have it for more than 7 years before they pass away you will not have to pay any IHT on it, so don't give it back - it's not logical.
If nothing else - regard the money as ''payment'' by your parents for how they screwed you up - tell them that if need be.

Incidentally, while you have this sum of money, which is presumably more than £16K, in your name, you won't be able to access means tested benefits. So it's all the more important that you can access your money.
Your OPs have gifted it to you, probably for inheritance tax purposes, but quite likely also for control purposes. Don't let them play their nasty game.
Get your access back. Make sure it's only you who can access it .... maybe by requiring 2-factor authentication (a text or email to your phone/email) or by moving it to a different account, and keep up with the NC.

Change all the passwords, get all correspondence sent to you, go no contact.

Keep the money and live a good life for yourself, you deserve it. 💕

Why do you think it matters if your dad remembers saying that, @cararri?

I hope you remember which bank these investments are with. Regardless of what you decide to do longer term the first step is getting the address on them changed and getting sole access to them. It's not option to not do this without it getting you into potentially a situation that has huge repercussions.

OP, you used the money in one account and nothing happened that you know of.

They could know you’ve spent it and moved the money out of the other accounts without your knowledge. Which means your angst could be futile. Get the bank info as everyone has said.

Information and control over your own life will set you free. I promise.

I have been reading through the thread and your comments.

Please take the advice given:
Take control of the money, I presume you know which bank it is in, so visit or phone them and get it moved to an account only you can access. Use a random passcode they won't be able to guess and use two part security with a text to your phone to confirm any movement.

Do not ask your parents before you do this- they will use the opportunity to control you.

If you really don't want the money, then send them a cheque or bank transfer. You don't need their permission to do this.

Or: keep the money, they gave it you. Who cares what their motives were? Use the money to improve your life!

Don't involve them, keep no contact!

Maybe you could use the money to buy yourself some counselling for the mess they've made in your head.