What should I do about this money?

[cararri]

I'll try and be brief, I'll have to fudge a couple of details too so forgive me if I get my wires crossed doing that.

I have had a very troubled relationship with both my parents. They have a troubled relationship with each other. They have no friends and have fallen out with every other relative. They both have narcissistic traits and my Dm is very codependent. I am late 30s, only child.

The emotional and psychological abuse, plus the sabotage and lying from my Ps have been truly awful. The levels of control they achieved over me were unbelievable. I look back now and I can't understand how I got so worn down as to accept it all. Financial control has been a huge thing.

The thing is, a few years ago, my DF really calmed down. He was still not great and his attitude towards me was still one of disinterest and demands but it was as good as it was ever going to be. Sadly at this point my DM escalated her behavior enormously. She became very manipulative, verbally abusive and cruel to me.

Very sadly she also confirmed a few enormous lies that have had huge consequences for me. These were not small lies either, they were prolonged campaigns of pretending to be interested and involved in good things I was trying to do and making sure they didn't happen. Very deliberate. A couple of these things were related to finances and education.

Anyway. My DPs are well off. Not like the Windsors or anything but comfortably off. They set up a few savings accounts for me and gifted me the money. We are talking in the 10s of 1000s. I was not allowed to touch these. Fair enough.

I do realise that this was very generous of them and that there are people out there who would love to be able to do this or receive this kind of help and can't. I also know that my Ps came from very poor backgrounds and to them this is like… why would I not just accept whatever their demands are in return for such a huge advantage.

At the start of 2019 I went through a few problems and was struggling. I did not tell my Ps this, I tell them as little as possible. They found out through opening post that I was in my overdraft and offered me some money. Let's say 1K. I stupidly accepted. I didn't live with them at the time but my Dm insisted my bank statements got sent to their house. I did say not to open them but she would say she did it by mistake..pause…and then say I would never know if it was a mistake or on purpose anyway.

After this my DM said she wanted to have access to all my bank statements and that in return for her putting money in my account which she would regularly do she would go through all the spending with me and discuss it and tell me what I was allowed to use the money for. I thanked her and said that was very generous but I felt it was not a good idea. So I basically said no thanks to a gift of money every month. This went down like a sack of the proverbial.

She also said that because I would inherit money and a house she wanted me to do nothing with my life except what she said. This would have meant becoming single, moving back in and asking permission to go anywhere or see anyone. I was very much her response was "you'll have it all when I'm dead, can you not wait until then, you just want me dead now so you can have more money!" I left, very, very upset.

I have trouble clearly remembering this as it was so confusing but she was also insisting I stop working. She was saying I could go on benefits and give the money to her and she would pay for whatever I wanted that she approved of. Seriously though, I can't even really remember that part. When people behave this way it makes you feel crazy yourself and you shut down.

In 2019 I became very ill. I used one savings account to enable me to survive really. Me and my Ps were NC at the time. There is another account I have not touched.

I felt awful using the money, like I was stealing. However, I was very ill and the money was in an account in my name and I thought well, would my Ps really want me to languish and suffer when there is an account there with funds in it? It all feels very odd.

There are 3 other accounts with significant funds in them. These are online accounts and the login details and the old phone I used to verify etc are at my parents house.

As I am aware this is getting long let me just say there is NO WAY I can just go round and talk to them. It just does not work like that. My DM has all these rituals she needs me to do before she even let's me cross the threshold. She is incredibly mean and abusive from the first second of opening the door. She will literally corner me and then square off to me (she is tiny, I am not) kind of making it feel like I would have to physically mover her to get away. She lies in the extreme. She tells my DF one thing and me another. My DF is a self pitying bully who has no patience for anyone or anything and goes into meltdowns. She says disgusting things about people's appearance and I am not looking my best after being ill for so long. I don't really feel up to someone I actually care about taking the piss out of my thin hair, weight gain or things like that. She did that to a horrible extreme before I was ill, when I was quite well actually.

The thing is, they really need to take this money back, don't they?

There is no reason they can't login to these accounts themselves and technically they could take the money out again. That's fine with me, it's theirs. I suppose that's not technically legal though?

Also, say I did login..how do I send that much money back to them? I am guessing there is a limit on how much money I can gift to them in one year etc? This was all set up over the years with the cash as gifts to me basically.

I have come to understand that my DM will manipulate any chance she gets. She sees money as the golden chalice of manipulation. I can't see how this will ever be resolved because she won't ever want to drop that advantage. As I already said, she'll spin it one way to my DF and then spin it to me a different way. When she gets us together she gets very aggressive because she doesn't want to get caught out lying, which happens.

I can't really carry on having accounts in my name that I can't access, don't know what is in them and try and make my own financial plans on that basis. I can't resolve this is person.

The three accounts have approximately 3 Xs the amount in the account I have access to. I don't want to return the one I have access to. I don't know if that's a reasonable position to take or not.

I literally don't know what to do.

the only problem that I could see is that that money would put you over the limit for some (?all) benefits claims.

But the accounts are in her name anyway (re benefits.)

I'd contact the banks and arrange for online banking for each of those accounts. Give your own address and phone number. The bank won't give out any details to someone else enquiring.

It's important your mum doesn't know about this because I think she'd empty the accounts. It would be really interesting to see whether she's made any withdrawals.

They both sound absolutely crazy, your mum particularly so. I hope therapy works well for you, OP, and that you free yourself from your parents.

open a new account with a new bank, ring each of these banks, confirm your identity etc and ask for the funds to be transferred over

I’d then move, change phone number, change email address and never speak to your parents again. And I don’t say that lightly

This. The money is your if it's in your name - use it all to buy yourself somewhere nice and distant from them. Then live your life.

"The money is theirs and they have gifted it to me"

The legally the money is yours, not theirs unless there is a clear agreement to repay it

@cararri

Just to answer a few PPs, I have changed address, bank statements now only come here (not the 3 in question obviously as they are all online and I have no access atm) and I am on the electoral roll.

@Freddiefox you are right I am still confused about everything. I have been having some therapy, that has been what has led me to realise that the situation was more than "eccentric" which is what I have always been told.

I have made a start with boundaries, which is why I don't want to go to their house because they won't respect a boundary, it will just incense them. Also I realised I don't want to do the rituals my DM insists on..so there is just no point going.

Thank you for your advice, it is really helpful.

Aww I feel really sad for you, keep going to the counselling, it will help, even if for now or doesn’t feel like it. Counselling is a commitment to yourself and it’s hard work at times.

Please take control of the money, get the log in details the bank will help you. You don’t have to spend it , but this is your money.

The money is in your accounts and is considered as yours for benefits and tax purposes.

So either you give it back or spend it on yourself. And then walk away

You poor thing - they've really done a number on you over the years. Reading from an outside point of view you should never ever have anything to do with them again. They are highly abusive and you deserve better. You will never have a proper normal happy relationship with them, something you no doubt crave. That is impossible with abusive people like them.

As regards the bank accounts, go online and see if you can re-register for online banking. If your bitch of a mother has her details attached to the account (her email) this may not work, but if your details are attached to the account then you should be able to re register and get access. Otherwise bring ID to the bank and ask to close the accounts and get a bank draft to then open another account elsewhere. In any case the money is yours.

@Twizique

Keep the money, use it for some therapy to help you process your past relationship with your parents, never feel guilty about keeping it.

Absolutely agree. Good therapy is hard to find & you'll probably need to go privately. It's around £50 an hour & you'll benefit from it if you do a good long course of sessions, which will start to add up.

Get control of your money & your accounts. You've gone NC - stick to it. It's hard to walk away from your family, but when you've got a narc family, you're better off without them. It may feel hard at first & you may feel guilty for a while, but honestly each one of us has a duty to love ourselves & take care of ourselves so that we can reach out to people who truly see us & value us, & build healthy relationships.

Sorry, hadn't RTFT.

They are abusive and you have been abused.

The advice given to you by other posters to get some professional help (counseling) is very wise. The councilor will not "tell" you what to do (as your mother wishes to) but rather to help you to identify your priorities and decide how YOU want to move forward.

At a later stage you can make a decision about what to do with the money. Life has certainly not been easy for you so far!

From my own experience of online banking I can say that if you open a fresh online account in the bank/s where the money is deposited all the accounts will be automatically linked, together with any debit cards which may be attached to the accounts.

Your story reminds me of when I had just begun work at 16. My mother used to open all my letters and even opened my correspondence from the bank! She used to go through my drawer to see if I had any spare money she could "borrow" and check my wardrobe to make sure I was not spending too much money on clothes. As a result I set up an accommodation service in a local shop and had all my correspondence sent there. I was paid by bank transfer so I refused to even tell my parents how much I earned. I kept my spare clothes and money in my grans house and had half a dozen outfits hanging in my locker in work. I used to go out in the same old dresses and change when I got there.

When your parents use money as a weapon and abuse the relationship then they cannot complain if you devise stratagems to evade their control. I actually enjoyed the games I played. I left home at 22 and got my own place. After that my parents counted for little in my life and I eventually went NC.

Good lord op.

That money is YOURS. I think you more than deserve it.

Take back complete control.

Change your address for everything. Contact all your banks and remember things like Dr's, dentists, etc if there's a chance anything else is going there.

Then contact all the banks involved and say, simply, you've forgotten all the log in details but you believe a family member may be accessing them and the email addresses etc may have been changed. They will instantly block them and probably ask you to take in ID and arrange new access that only you have.

Then maintain NC. But if you ever do make contact again, make sure none of your accounts or statements are ever available to them again.

I think you have three options:

A) gain control of these accounts and ignore your DMs attempts to control these. They are in your name so presumably you can ring the banks they are held at and state that you have lost the paperwork and moved and ask to go through identity verification again. Your parents should be unable to stop this as the funds are in your name.

B) Ignore the accounts. By law they are yours as they are in your name and your parents should not be able to withdraw funds from them. When your DP pass away, you can gain access to them (without paying inheritance tax as they are in your name already). The only challenge in this is that you should be paying tax on any income / they would disqualify you from benefits claims but I’d claim ignorance of existence of the accounts if that ever came up - not least as you don’t have access to the accounts.

C) attempt to return funds to your parents. I don’t know how likely they are to accept this.

Don't feel guilty about keeping the money. Look at it in terms of compensation for the personal injuries they have inflicted on you. They may not have broken your bones, but it sounds like they have broken your spirit. Good parents do not do that to their children.

Go to the banks amd ask for all the details to be reset so that only you have access to them. Then you can think about what you want to do with the money; personally I would keep it as it’s been given to you. You don’t need to do anything with it and it can be money you use in the future once they’ve passed if you then feel differently or you cooks give it to charity. Before spending it is consider getting some advice on whether they could then try and get it back from you and say it was just a loan.
If you really don’t want to have it then tell them you want to return it otherwise you’ll give it to charity as I suspect that would prompt action although it may spark more abuse.
In terms of a future relationship you need to accept that your mum is unlikely to change and is no contact better for your mental health?

Secure the money in your name with only you able to access it. View it as compensation for everything you’ve endured. Do with it what you want. Have a happy life.

@cararri I’m sorry your parents are abusers

I think it’s important for you to keep reminding yourself that their behaviour is toxic to you. Contact with them is literally dangerous to your health.

I’m sorry, but there is no way you can have a healthy relationship with people who behave this way. As I’m sure they will never seek therapy to change their behaviour, you need to accept they will never change. They will always be abusive. You could choose to build a relationship with them but it would have to be on their terms. You would be in their control, you would be treated badly.

Please stop all contact. They are terrible parents. You deserve so much more.

The money is clearly a parental obsession. It’s a control mechanism and a talisman. You don’t have to adopt this belief. I suggest you leave the money where it is - you do not need to do anything with it. Have therapy. Get yourself into a good place health-wise both physically and mentally. Then, take control of these accounts and do whatever feels right. If you need the money, keep it. If you don’t, please can I suggest you give it to a children’s charity that helps children escaping from abusive parents. They need it way more than your horrible parents do - also any contact with your parents, even returning money, is toxic. Perhaps knowing the money is helping to prevent other children going through a similarly nasty childhood will help your healing process too.

Whatever their reasons for setting up these accounts, they were not good- I'd bet it's either to avoid tax, or to control and manipulate you. Possibly both. Therefore, you have no need to feel guilt- this isn't you showing ingratitude for a generous gift, it's a dodgy scheme backfiring on them.

AS others have said, when you open a bank account there is usually an option to transfer funds from an existing one, and (optionally) to close the old one. Do this, followed by whatever is necessary to make sure that you never have to hear from them again.

If nothing else, remind yourself that it is legally sensible to know what is being done in your name, financially and otherwise.

Why don’t you think of the money as compensation for crappy parenting? Get the account details changes so only you have access and then if you do t feel comfortable using the money right now just leave it for emergency use. Your parents gifted the money, maybe they did it with the intention of maintaining control over you, but if that’s the case then it’s still in your name and you are entitled to it.

The money isn’t theirs.
It’s only theirs in as much that it’s a way to manipulate you and hold something over you. The reality is that they gave it to you, it’s yours and get how they fucked you up financially before, it’s only fair that to treat that money as yours (seeingbthat it’s yours, in an account with your name on etc etc)

I would open a new account plus saving account and transfer all the money there.
I think you also need carry on with the counselling to help you process their behaviour and start putting boundaries to protect yourself. They are awful.

The money is theirs and they have gifted it to me. So the account has my name on etc. I don't view it as my money if that makes sense.

How have they managed to give you all the guilt and inconvenience of giving you money with none of the actual... money? All cost, no benefit.

MNers are telling you to access the money because you deserve it. But I think you believe it comes with too high a price. I'd talk to CAB or a lawyer and work out the best, simplest, legal course of action. Unemotional financial decisions based on expert advice. That way, it's not your 'fault'.

Take the money and run. See it as compensation for the shit show they've made your life.

I am confused they are your accounts? Go to the back and say you forgot the log in details. Change address etc. Move the money to a new account they don’t know about then use the money to move somewhere they don’t know. Block and NC

The money in all accounts in your name is YOUR money. They have made you feel like it isnt, like you have no right to your own things or your own life, but they are wrong.

Please don't give them any money back. Contact the banks. Tell them you have lost your details (and lost your phone with them on) and they will help you.

@Snog

I would suggest you get some counselling before you decide how to proceed. This will help you to feel confident and strong in whatever decision you make.

You need to think about what level of relationship you want and are able to have with your parents that is healthy for you. This might mean no relationship. Then consider your various options regarding the money and how this fits in with the kind of relationship you want going forward.

The current relationship sounds very unhealthy for you. I am concerned that if you return the money to your parents they will find out that you have spent some of it and will react badly to this.

My own mother is pretty high on narcissistic traits. I am very low contact with her having been no contact for two years prior to that.
I have accepted that she will be disinheriting me as a result. She is a wealthy woman in her 80s and a bumper inheritance would be great to have but my mental health and ability to live a peaceful life matter a whole lot more to me.

It is very sad OP when your mother was not the mother you needed her to be as a child or wanted her to be as an adult. I found counselling super helpful.

I sympathise. Following a link which appeared on MN at the weekend, I just got a copy of my father's will & saw for the first time what he did. I went NC about 30 years ago & he died a few years ago.

As expected, he left everything to his second wife (my mother died decades ago). But what he did in case she predeceased him took my breath away. He left everything to my only sibling. If said sibling was dead, it was to go to a more distant relative. If SHE was dead, it was to go to a charity. No mention whatsoever of me.

Reading it brought up all sorts of feelings from the past, & then I thought, no - actually I've won, I do have power. I don't want anything that belonged to him. I don't need his money (though if by some chance it had come my way, I would've taken it as the first decent thing he ever did). I have a nicer house in a better area than he did. I walked away & lived a far happier life than I ever would have done if I'd stayed in contact with him. I've had a good marriage, & I've spared my DH the pain of being involved with my father.

There is a life after growing up with narc's. There is a good life to be had. It wasn't always easy, but we (DH & I) got there in the end. Sending best wishes to anyone reading this who's dealing with the same issues.