Please be my sounding board- stay put or move away?

[Womaninthemirror1]

Mid life crisis coming early, perhaps! I’m mid 30s, childfree, likely to remain so, I am happy this way.

My social circle has changed because all my friends are now married with children and living a very different life to me. I feel disconnected and covid has only increased this feeling. My friends are still my friends and they are dear to me, but I don’t feel like I am sharing the same world with them any more.

I live in a large-ish rural town. There is plenty going on (usually family oriented events) and while there are opportunities to meet new people, I have yet to find a kindred spirit. Somebody else unattached, who would like to go for a drink on a weekday evening, talk about things other than children, go for an adventurous weekend away.

I absolutely love my job, but it is niche and there is no chance of career progression in the next 10 years unless I relocate.

I dream, sometimes, about moving to a city, where (in my imagination) I will join hobby groups of all description, meeting lots of other single childfree 30-something, 40-something men and women, my career will progress, and my life will be more fulfilling. The thought of the adventure and excitement of this is appealing! I just feel a bit stifled and stale where I am, but maybe covid is partly to blame?

But the ‘Wise’ (boring?) voice in my head says:

• A city where I don’t know anyone or have any connections is likely to be lonelier than a town where I know lots of people and have put down roots. I am likely to feel less connected, not more so. There may be more single people but doesn’t mean I will like them or they will want to be friends!

• Making friends that last is harder at my age then when younger. Most people my age already have their established groups of friends, and I should stick with mine. My current friends will pass through the ‘young child’ stage in a few years.

• I live in the beautiful countryside and I would miss it terribly in a city.

• I love my current job, and I am paid enough. Career progression is more stress in exchange for money. It isn’t a measure of success if it doesn’t make me happier, and I think what would make me happier would be more social connections, not more work.

• If I leave my current job, I may never be able to come back, as there are limited opportunities and low turnover in my area.

• I am 80% happy, that should be enough for anyone! Live isn’t all roses after all.

This is longer than I means it to be, I am mostly listening to the sensible voice telling me to be grateful for what I’ve got and not risk throwing the baby out with the bath water. But what would you do / advise in my situation?

sometimes it's better what you know. city life isn't always as exciting as it might it seem, they can be lonely until you get established.

So you'd move to find new friends and progress in your job?

Personally your job sounds great if you already love it, and you don't need to move to join groups etc in your local area.

It sounds like you are happy where you are, I'd stay.

It sounds like you are fairly happy which is MASSIVE.

Can you afford to do things like hobby weekends/weeks away where you meet other, like-minded people?

I'd stay. Your reason for moving is mainly because you need a new group of friends who aren't married with kids! Moving to a city where you know nobody won't be much fun as you'll find that most people in your age group are coupled up there too!

I’d try and get involved in a social activity, hobby or sport that would connect you with people outside your area…what’s your nearest city or town, is that somewhere that is reachable on the weekend or evening if you were part of a club or society? I remember feeling like this mid-thirties and I’m from and have always lived in a big city. The thing that made me happy was to imagine what I wanted in the future and work towards that, even it it was different from what all my friends were doing.

Move! You can always go back if you hate it. You would meet new people through work, through hobbies, through clubs. Go for it and good luck

I was all set to say move until I got to the bottom. Your point on promotion is really valid - if you are content financially and fulfilled in your role as it stands then moving to chase a promotion which is likely to impact on your work/life balance negatively in a new location sounds like unnecessary stress and may well cut into the time you need to focus on meeting new friends (although of course work can come with new friends too).

In terms of your friends coming out of the small child fog, for a bit of context we are at this stage with kids going into secondary in that they are organising themselves, starting to detach etc. We had more time from maybe 6/7 but life still revolved around them iyswim.

Is there a hobby you've always wanted to take up even if it means remotely? Maybe online groups which develop into physical meet-ups is a way to expand your existing group of mates?

Rent out your house and try to work abroad if possible?

I'd stay where you are and join social groups in your area. If it's really rural you could reach out to the next big town.

There's an app called Bumble which is meant to be good for finding new friends. Like online dating but to find friends.

Might be a bit of fun and might find some new friends that way

What sort of clubs are you envisaging to join in the city? See if there are similar clubs in your area.

Maybe try a new hobby. Learn a new a new sport? Evening class etc? If you move to a city, you will have to be proactive on developing a new social life, so try doing that at home.

Stay, op! It sounds lovely and maybe where I live??!!

You just need to meet new people and that's easier in your own surroundings. Your friends will also grow out of the all consuming baby stage, they are also the key to single friends. I'd branch out a bit more where you are first and see what you can find. My kids are older now so I'm well up for nights put etc.

I'd stay where I was if I was you.

Oddfellows are a friendly group and there might be a group near you. They do different activities and have get togethers. Anyone can join. Might be worth a go.

Sounds like you need a holiday or some new hobbies or volunteering

Sounds like you need a change of scenery

Do something out of your comfort zone ?

Get a train/plane to a city & spend a day or weekend, plan some things to do

I've moved around, but I like exploring new places

You need to find out about activities that are no built around children. Even if parents join, they will most likely want to escape the world of parenting and welcome a friend without children.

I am part of a group of 4 friends. We are all married with older children, but one is single without kids. We are just as close and share a lot of activities. We were friends when kids were younger and still a big part of our lives, so it is possible.

If you don't move, will you always have the, what if question ?

I aways say that there are 2 types of people
People who dream
People that do

Thanks everyone. I think you’re right and I need to stay, as I have grown older I’ve started to realise that happiness has to come from inside and can’t be found just by going to a new place or getting a new job.

But there is something scary / final about deciding to stay, because I feel this will be my “forever” now: this town, this job, these people, until I am old. Every year that goes by I will find it harder to move, so if I don’t go now I’m accepting this is my lot. I love adventure and excitement so this makes me feel stifled and strange. But I know it’s silly to feel this way: I can leave at any time in the future if I want. And you’re right @Mas0nJarSlushie I probably need an adventure, a holiday, a project or a new hobby of some kind, maybe I don’t need to actually move away to spice up my life.

I think what appeals about the city is the novelty, always having something new to do. And … this might sound silly… room to grow as a person? Living in a quite a small place, you get to know the community and people form opinions of you, and that’s you sorted then, you are who you are. But in a city you are anonymous and can almost start afresh all the time and become who you want to be?

I think I am waffling and this might not make much sense, but thanks for listening!

Do it! I can't understand why so many people have said stay . If you moved to the city would you have to chase promotion? Or could you just take a job at a similar level? Are your friends good enough that they'd still be there if you came back in 3 or 5 years? What are house prices like in your area? Could you plan so you avoid being priced out when you come back? As a single, child free person I think you could have a great time in a big city.

I have friends who really made the most of their singledom - mixed in different groups and reinvented themselves as you say. I never really did that and it's something I regret tbh.

I moved to London and made friends, but then lost them as they gradually moved back to their home towns! I eventually moved back too as I just couldn’t afford to live there anymore and didn’t want to flatshare when I was nudging 40.

I’ve been home 10 years (Nth Mcr suburbs) and it’s been great. Friendships were important as I don’t have parents or much family. I don’t really see my mates with kids any more but made new ones - mainly single or childless women. I met them in a walking group, at the climbing wall, and at work in my then new job. Even found a bloke last year - too late for kids, but he’s lovely. This last year has been pretty tough with a couple of bereavements and the frigging menopause but apart from I can honestly say I’m pretty happy with life at the moment, and am grateful for the support my newer friends have given me during what was a pretty awful last six months.

Your life is unencumbered by children and very close friendships. I think it is the perfect time to move and see what life holds for you.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, stay and have no adventures, move to a city.

You can start right now actually, book tickets to that play, concert, thing. I go to the theatre regularly alone. It's fab to see something I want to and go whether I have someone to go with or not. There are plenty of others doing the same.
Have you got a city in mind? If so, spend more time there. Get to know it. If no city in mind, start travelling. In fact start travelling already, day trips if less intimidating. Its amazing how liberating it is. Obviously depending on where your location is depends on how possible this is but no reason you can't have the best of both, broaden your horizons by being out and about whilst not commiting to a move before you find somewhere you love.
I'd also highly recommend getting journal and listing all the things you want. Then apply the '5 whys' e.g
city - why?
I'm bored -why?
I don't go out -why?
no where I like in village-why?
I prefer busy bars
Solution: start driving to x town to start with

You get the idea - by unpacking 'city' a bit you'll get underneath what you're actually looking for - and it's easier and immediate to make small steps ...
Good luck!

Sounds like you're very happy where you are.

I know it's tricky at the moment, but could you take a sabbatical and travel for a year? That way you could see if you would miss where you are as much as you think you will.

Also, you probably won't want to move in 10 years so there's no time like the present.
Why not take and massive leap. It might be the best thing you ever done if you can't see things changing where you are anytime soon

Ooh some fab advice here, thanks @Nayday I will do that!

I think city-wise it would probably be Manchester, but it’s a trek, about 3.5 hours by car. But you’re right, I could go there and start exploring more.

I think Covid might have a lot to answer for here, maybe my life doesn’t have to be as dull as it has been in the last 18 months!

3.5 hours is a trek

You are ready making excuses !