About DH ‘sneaking up’ on me

[peaceandlovetoall]

I am being UR. Genuinely not sure what to do though.

Lying in bed watching some telly, and DH suddenly appears behind me and makes me jump. Then starts talking to me so have to pause my programme. Can’t just get back into it as I’m always waiting for him to appear again!

I know I sound like a grouch but does anyone else find this?

@Burnt0utMum I appreciate you would want to come back and explain/defend yourself, but tbh your explanation actually makes it seem worse.

People who get all huffy and OMG! It’s just a JOKE fgs. Of COURSE I’d stop if he didn’t find it funny are as a rule fucking tiresome.

Something to bear in mind maybe.

I can't believe someone said what Burnt said was "abusive"

I'd tell him that when you're having your 'alone' time to just leave you in peace unless the kitchen is on fire or something.

Yeah, I don’t tend to find that I’d necessarily call it alone time, though. Hard to explain, perhaps!

I don’t know that I’d call it abusive but I couldn’t live like it. I honestly couldn’t.

My XH used to do this - I know exactly what you mean, mine could never leave me in peace if I was doing something that didn't involve him - like reading or studying or having a bath. Constant interruptions for no good reason to make it impossible for me to relax. Always coming into the room - sometimes just to stare at me or shuffle a few papers about or say 'OK?'. I found it very stressful and annoying. I don't know what you can do - I never found a solution (apart from divorce which has worked very well in eliminating the problem ).
Can you put a do not disturb sign on the door, or spell out to him that you don't want to be interrupted because you are trying to concentrate or relax? I think with my X he did it because he'd spent his whole life being pandered to and 'amused' by his mother - so he'd never learnt to amuse himself - he constantly needed another person to provide him with entertainment.

He also used to do the jumping out deliberately thing that a PP thinks is hilarious. Caused me to badly bang my head and cut it open on a cupboard door once. Total arseholery - cannot fathom why people want to do this beyond the age of 3.

@Burnt0utMum

Carry on. It works for your relationship. I do this to my family if I spy the perfect opportunity..... it’s all taken well and we have a giggle. Even the kids. But they can’t ever get their own back as they’re like baby hippos in stilettos and can’t grasp the concept of stealth.

@AmyDudley you get it

Comes to stare at me and OK?

Whhhhhy

@peaceandlovetoall YANBU, this would really fuck me right off. I gather he does it deliberately does he? If it's accidental then that is different, but anyone doing this deliberately - if they KNOW the other person hates it - is an arsehole.

My DH used to have this super annoying habit of filming me without me knowing. Just washing up, or watering the plants outside. He would be guffawing at how he had filmed me without my knowledge, and how it was so funny that I was muttering to myself and singing to myself whilst doing it.

I was fuming each time, as I found it an invasion of privacy. He said he thought I looked 'cute' and that it was adorable that I was getting mad!

He didn't think I was so cute when I hid his camera. (Not a cheap one, it cost £500.) I didn't tell him I had hidden it, but I popped it on a high shelf in the garage, and he couldn't find it. He looked high and low for days ... Then he gave up.

I gave it back to him after 2 weeks, and told him next time he filmed me without my consent, I would take a sledgehammer to the fucking thing. He has never filmed me since.

Buy a water gun or stun gun and fire it at him. When he does it again ( light hearted)

There's a massive difference between people doing it in a relationship where they both find it funny and have a laugh (burntoutmum) and it happening in a relationship where it stresses out one of the partners and they find it horrible as they don't want their partner to do it.

One is abusive and one isn't.

There are two separate things here, the sneaking up / walking quietly and the interrupting.

The first step in any communication, is to assess whether the person you want to speak to is available to communicate with you. If they're speaking to someone else, or on the phone, or absorbed in watching or listening to something, they are not available. You wait until they are, unless it is urgent (house burning down kind of urgent). So, if it's a long thing, go away and come back later. Basic toddler-training stuff.

If they do appear to be available, then you need to get their attention before you start speaking. Otherwise they won't hear the first sentence. If it turns out that it's difficult to get their attention, then you may have misjudged step one and they are not in fact available.

It's really only young children and self-important, self-absorbed people, those who perceive themselves as the centre of the world, or haven't yet/ever grasped theory of mind (the idea that other people are separate from them and have their own thoughts. A developmental stage that happens

Me and dh do this to each other

I foolishly did it whilst he was asleep and narrowly missed my face being punched.

I’m a bit more careful now

My best one Ive done, he was hoovering so genuinely didn’t hear me. I tapped him to get his attention and he kept so far in the air I thought he hit ceiling at one point. He then fell on the bed and just looked shocked for ages

We still do it to each other

The short version of my long post would be; he needs to learn to observe first, before speaking (or sometimes deciding not to speak right now).

Everyone having discussions about whether this is right or wrong and I’m sitting here thinking, HOW is your DH sneaking behind you if you’re lying in bed? Your bed should be about the one place no one could sneak behind you because it’s against a wall. Is it that your bed is next to the bedroom door and the door is behind you and he’s coming in the bedroom door? In which case,the only answer is to shut, lock, and barricade the door with furniture whenever you want to watch a program If it’s not that, can I have a diagram?! If it IS the case, could you put one of those big circular mirrors on the ceiling corner in front of you so you can see the door, like they do in market blind spots so they can see shoplifters??

@RightYesButNo That mirror idea! Brilliant.

Put a lock on the bathroom door. Then you've got one place you can relax.