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Original poster

To feel so upset about 8 year olds change in attitude?

38 replies

Oifroggy · 04/08/2021 20:50

DS is 8 and we have always been extremely close. I have been there for everything, every tiny event, I have moulded my work and life around.

It feels like his attitude has changed somewhat - no longer wants cuddles, won't tell me he loves me and is suddenly all over DH like I don't exist.

Today he stood for ages telling me how hard DH works (I have done all the summer holiday childcare, everything around the house and worked) and it just really made me resentful to see him all over DH, telling him he loved him, asking for cuddles, when DH is the first to admit he does barely anything for the children.

I feel so silly and childish to feel so resentful at an 8 year olds comments but I work so hard to give the children a wonderful life and this is what I get in return. I feel like doing nothing tomorrow Sad

OP posts:
Itsbeen84yearss · 04/08/2021 20:54

Aww hugs hun. I’m having problems with my seven year old and posted a thread myself this afternoon. It’s so tough when you stand on your head for them and they start doing/ saying hurtful things but I do think you have to remember they are only children. I guarantee you if he falls over tomorrow and bumps his knee it will be mummy he wants.

Ozanj · 04/08/2021 20:57

Then remind him every single time he says it about what you do. Kids that age chat a lot of shit but when they are wrong we have to challenge it.

Original poster
Oifroggy · 04/08/2021 21:02

Then he started saying how anyone could do my job but DH's job was so much better and he did all this clever stuff. What he doesn't realise is, I only work a crappy job to give him and his siblings the best life possible, so they never have to go to before/after school/holiday care. So I am always there for them when they need me. I feel like I have sacrificed myself to be a mother and this is what I get. I just feel so fed up Sad

OP posts:
Taoneusa · 04/08/2021 21:05

Where did he get all these funny ideas from?

Best to explain now we value people based on who they are, and comparisons are odious!

BettyAndFrank · 04/08/2021 21:06

A change in children in this age isn’t all that unusual. He’s prepubescent so learning to be independent of you…they come back to you later on. Read up on child development.

Oblomov21 · 04/08/2021 21:06

Maybe you over invested in your role. I never saw my role as that. Plus bits change a lot at this age and many want daddy, it's common. It's a re-adjustment period for you. You aren't just a mum. You're a daughter, wife, person in your own right.

TheGriffle · 04/08/2021 21:07

Please do nothing for him tomorrow! If he loves dh that much they can keep each other company.

ChavDiningHalls · 04/08/2021 21:07

OP, he is 8.

Don't set any store by what he says. It's all childish stuff. My DC are now 16+ and if I had set store by anything they said, I would be a gibbering wreck.

BettyAndFrank · 04/08/2021 21:08

Oh dear just read your update…is your dh the problem…

Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 21:09

There's a few things here. You cab explain to an 8 year old why you have a 'crappy job'. It doesn't have to be snippy at him or in a way that's says 'your dad does sweet fa'

But the whole 'I sacrificed myself to be mother' isn't a good idea to say either. And it's irrelevant. That was your choice. That does obligate ds to act in anyway in particular.

Kids go through phases where they seem to be obsessed with one parent. He loves his dad. Maybe he knows deep down his dad seems to not give a shit and is hoping if he acts like this his dad will take notice.

Maybe he is confident you will love him anyway.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/08/2021 21:12

I think I'd try and play along with it. 'Yes actually now you come to think of it, it might be time to get a more demanding job. I'll have a look. Lets look into childcare, which holiday club would you like to go to? I'll check if breakfast and after school club have any spaces. And let's do a rota for jobs around the house, as I wont be around as much. Would you prefer to empty the dishwasher or fold the washing?'

Be careful you aren't martyring yourself though. Having to go to wraparound or summer holiday care isnt them not living their best life. Just a different life. Sometimes if you give up everything for others they just come to expect it and stop appreciating it. And may never appreciate it.

Original poster
Oifroggy · 04/08/2021 21:15

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I didn't mean to word it like that. I'm not trying to martyr myself, it's just matter of fact that I have put everything into giving them a comfortable life and now feel that they don't appreciate it.

OP posts:
HandScreen · 04/08/2021 21:17

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think I'd try and play along with it. 'Yes actually now you come to think of it, it might be time to get a more demanding job. I'll have a look. Lets look into childcare, which holiday club would you like to go to? I'll check if breakfast and after school club have any spaces. And let's do a rota for jobs around the house, as I wont be around as much. Would you prefer to empty the dishwasher or fold the washing?'

Be careful you aren't martyring yourself though. Having to go to wraparound or summer holiday care isnt them not living their best life. Just a different life. Sometimes if you give up everything for others they just come to expect it and stop appreciating it. And may never appreciate it.

Don't say this. It would be confusing to him when you then DIDN'T go out and get a better job. My kids absolutely adore holiday club and after school club - he is likely to be excited at this opportunity, then not understand why it's taken away from him. Don't try to play mind games with him or emotionally blackmail him.

Maybe he's proud of his dad's career? You should be doing what you're doing because you want to - if you'd prefer to have a career, then go do that. Don't be a martyr. Nobody will "appreciate" your sacrifice because nobody's asked you to do it. I'm sure your son would be delighted and very proud if you got a career.

Musication · 04/08/2021 21:20

Perhaps now is a good time to start investing in your own career/hobbies? My kids love breakfast club! There's no way I would sacrifice my job just so they didn't go to that a few days a week. With you being always available to him he has got used to being able to do whatever he wants and have you at his beck and call- it hasn't materialised in respect for your sacrifice because he is a bit young to get this.
In the meantime, call him out on being rude to you and remind him what respect is.

audweb · 04/08/2021 21:23

You don’t need to explain the sacrificing of stuff to him but there is nothing wrong with saying yes it’s great that dad can work, together we made the choice for me to do this job of being here to pick you guys up etc etc so he understands you work as a partnership and a team.

When my 8 year old moans about not doing stuff that is either fancy enough or whatever I have no qualms explaining that I work the amount I do in order to afford all the stuff we actually do, and that other kids aren’t necessarily as fortunate. This is the age where I think they can begin to take information like that on.

Be confident in your life choices - don’t let a sassy 8 year old feel bad.

Sleepdeprived42long · 04/08/2021 21:25

I have an 8 year old DS. There’s no way he would have independently been able to say something that specific about my job in comparison to another person’s job, unless he had overheard someone else say it (I think jobs, apart from those they have actually seen people do, is a very abstract concept for children that age).

So, I think your biggest issue here is where your DS has heard this as that person clearly doesn’t respect you or the choices you’ve made for your family. Could it possibly be DH?

LysistrataVickers · 04/08/2021 21:26

I have a nearly 8 year old son and if he came out with that about my job compared to DH's (similar to your set up) I would wonder where he had heard it from. It seems like quite an adult thing to say for such a young child.

Phineyj · 04/08/2021 21:32

I agree with the last couple of posts -- he is parroting what he's heard someone else say.

My 8 year old is tremendously ungrateful for what she has (her life is quite a bit nicer materially than mine was at her age and DH is much more available and engaged than my dad) but...it's her normal. I also haven't given up on my job because a) I enjoy it and b) she wouldn't appreciate it!

JaffaRaf · 04/08/2021 21:33

I don’t think at 8 he should automatically ‘appreciate’ you sacrificing your own career to make sure he doesn’t have to attend after school club, it’s your choice not his. As an adult hopefully he will appreciate it but as a child that is just his life.

And at some point he was always going to get older and not need you as much. Maybe he’s old enough for you to start planning if you do want to change jobs in the future seen as you say you only do this to suit him?

However I wouldn’t just let it go, putting a parents job down is rude, I’d explain to him that you work less to take care of him and that actually the way he’s treating you is making you feel bad. And I would make his dad have the same conversation with him really as you don’t want him to fall into the habit of thinking that you are somehow less than your DH.

Eastie77Returns · 04/08/2021 21:33

@Oifroggy

Then he started saying how anyone could do my job but DH's job was so much better and he did all this clever stuff. What he doesn't realise is, I only work a crappy job to give him and his siblings the best life possible, so they never have to go to before/after school/holiday care. So I am always there for them when they need me. I feel like I have sacrificed myself to be a mother and this is what I get. I just feel so fed up Sad
Is working a crappy job just so they don’t have to go to breakfast or holiday clubs really giving them the best life possible? In general I find happy parent=happy child and you sound miserable about the sacrifices you’ve made. I don’t really understand why any mother (and it’s almost always the mothers) gives up on a career or takes up a job they they dislike so they can ‘be there’ for their children. It seems an unnecessary to me and often leads to resentment further down the line.

My DC didn’t go to breakfast clubs but I found a childminder who gave them breakfast before school and provided wrap around. Holiday clubs are fine imo as long as you do a bit of basic research and find one that suits your child. DD is at an arts/filmmaking activity club this week and DS at football camp. They are making friends, learning new skills and I can continue to work.

Anyway, he is 8. It’s a phase and it will pass I’m sure. I don’t think there’s any need to deliver “home truths” to a child of that age.

choli · 04/08/2021 21:35

@TheGriffle

Please do nothing for him tomorrow! If he loves dh that much they can keep each other company.
I totally agree with this. It sounds like both he and his father need an attitude adjustment.
itsgettingwierd · 04/08/2021 21:35

Well where exactly is an 8yo getting these ideas from?

He's hearing this attitude from someone or somewhere (kids in street/you tube/ family members?)

Don't sacrifice who you are to be a mum. If you want to do another job and can afford the childcare then do so. It's. It always about the quantity of physical time you're with your children but the quality of the time you spend together.

HandScreen · 04/08/2021 21:39

Maybe DH thinks she should develop a career? I would find it hard to respect my partner if he chose to work in a "crappy job" so that our children didn't go to after school club. OP seems to be expecting her DH and son to fall over themselves with gratitude that she unhappily works a "crappy job", when in reality they'd both be happier if she was sorting herself out and in a fulfilling career?

Budapestdreams · 04/08/2021 21:48

I think it is normal for boys at a certain age to reach out to their dad or significant man in their life and try to bond with them a bit. He may not realise it but he wants to know what it's like to be a man, and how to be a man.

I think his dad should chat to him about the different roles you have a how to talk respectfully to you, because that's what a good man does. No need for guilt or blame, but his dad had this chance to teach him how to be respectful to women. I hope he takes it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 04/08/2021 21:50

@BettyAndFrank

A change in children in this age isn’t all that unusual. He’s prepubescent so learning to be independent of you…they come back to you later on. Read up on child development.
This is so true! I thought my gorgeous baby was turning into a monster at that age until his school ran a session for parents about child development and they described all the horribleness to a tee! I remember feeling such relief that I wasn't a failure as a parent!

He's now a very lovely 14 year old (I'm still waiting for the teenage hormones to kick in but keeping fingers crossed he doesn't become too awful!)

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