To feel so upset about 8 year olds change in attitude?

[Oifroggy]

DS is 8 and we have always been extremely close. I have been there for everything, every tiny event, I have moulded my work and life around.

It feels like his attitude has changed somewhat - no longer wants cuddles, won't tell me he loves me and is suddenly all over DH like I don't exist.

Today he stood for ages telling me how hard DH works (I have done all the summer holiday childcare, everything around the house and worked) and it just really made me resentful to see him all over DH, telling him he loved him, asking for cuddles, when DH is the first to admit he does barely anything for the children.

I feel so silly and childish to feel so resentful at an 8 year olds comments but I work so hard to give the children a wonderful life and this is what I get in return. I feel like doing nothing tomorrow

@Sleepdeprived42long

I have an 8 year old DS. There’s no way he would have independently been able to say something that specific about my job in comparison to another person’s job, unless he had overheard someone else say it (I think jobs, apart from those they have actually seen people do, is a very abstract concept for children that age).

So, I think your biggest issue here is where your DS has heard this as that person clearly doesn’t respect you or the choices you’ve made for your family. Could it possibly be DH?

I'd be thinking this is the biggest problem too. Have they been around DH family recently or could he be getting this from DH? I know personally when my DC have specific things like this they're saying I've done/not done that it's H behind their words.

@Oifroggy

Then he started saying how anyone could do my job but DH's job was so much better and he did all this clever stuff. What he doesn't realise is, I only work a crappy job to give him and his siblings the best life possible, so they never have to go to before/after school/holiday care. So I am always there for them when they need me. I feel like I have sacrificed myself to be a mother and this is what I get. I just feel so fed up

Then he needs to know this. Tell him. He’s 8 and spouting things that might get him in trouble later for sexism or worse.

I'd talk to him about everything you do and how marriage and parenting are a partnership and you both work hard to cover everything together. But I wouldn't expect him to feel grateful for everything you do. For him that's how his life has always been, work outside the home is more obvious and he's 8. What you're expecting isn't developmentally appropriate. He's a long way off an age where he'll feel grateful for this

Yeah kids appreciate FA.
Don’t take it personally. When he’s older and more mature, he’ll get it.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I'd talk to him about everything you do and how marriage and parenting are a partnership and you both work hard to cover everything together. But I wouldn't expect him to feel grateful for everything you do. For him that's how his life has always been, work outside the home is more obvious and he's 8. What you're expecting isn't developmentally appropriate. He's a long way off an age where he'll feel grateful for this

I disagree. I come from cultures where mothers at home talk about the work they do and how hard they work & kids learn to appreciate them. At 8 my brothers used to accuse dad of doing nothing when he came home at 8pm after an 18 hour shift to put his feet up & mum had to set them straight. Same with my nephews too. That he doesn’t see OP as worthwhile does suggest he might need a wider attitude adjustments.

I think I read somewhere - maybe the Steve Biddulph book? - that boys begin to separate from their mums at about 7 or 8 and get closer to their male role models.

So this is developmentally normal. However, he was rude to you and you’d be within your rights to set him straight that everyone’s contribution to the family is valuable.

At the same tome, I don’t think any kid ever has really felt grateful for everything their mum does for them. You make a deal with you about what you think you want your parenting to look like. They don’t owe you anything for that.

At the same time

My 8yo is the same, but I know he loves me and when he does need me I'll be here. My job is to provide consistent stable love and support no matter what, IMO anyway. Your boy will come back, don't worry x

It’s absolutely normal. Please don’t worry about it or be upset in any way. He’s still your baby and will come back to you, but now he is practicing learning how to be a man.

The important thing is not, as others have suggested, stopping doing things for your DS, or trying to make a point of all you do. The important thing is that he sees that your DH treats you with absolute respect at all times, and models for your child that respect - along with love and appreciation. This is the time your son will learn how to be a loving and respectful partner and maybe one day also a father himself. His future partner will love you for making sure he learns that most important lesson.

He will learn how to treat women by watching his own father - so make sure what he sees is his Dad never belittling you or your contribution to your household and family life, whatever outside “job” you might hold.

And don’t worry! He’ll come back to you emotionally in another few years. Just make sure he sees what you would like him to see while he is temporarily away...

It's quite natural for boys around this age to start to become less dependent on their mothers. I would want to ask him who said that you have a crappy job? Don't agree with him. Instead tell that no-one's job is crappy, everyone who works wants money for a place to live, food to eat, clothes, toys for their children. Also say he wouldn't get half the things he does if you didn't work.
He's not too young for a reality check but done in a gentle manner. I certainly gave my son one when he was 9 after persistent whingeing on another matter. It was the making of him.

Be careful not to sound like a martyr. In the end your son will have to go out into the world and find a good job. It is disingenuous to suggest that everyone has a choice whether to work or not. I think about the number of recent threads on here from furious women whose partners have lost their jobs and feel that they are carrying the financial burden of supporting their families alone.
I made a biggish deal about being there for my children in their pre school days. They have forgotten all that as adults and one asked me which nursery he had gone to as a young child.
Being too available can be claustrophobic for older children. It can be dangerous to get your validation for the choices you have made by expecting a child to be grateful. As an older teen and adult your children will want to feel that you have a busy and fulfilled life outside of them so that they can live independent lives without feeling guilty about sad, lonely mum.

I think you are taking this too personally. It’s a normal part of development. You know how babies go through a stage of learning that mum is a separate person and then flip out when you go into another room? It’s a bit like that - he’s discovering himself as a male, different from you, and sort of measuring himself up to the nearest male role model.

I’d be having a word with his df now about needing to step up to the plate! This is the time when your ds is learning how to man so he should be modelling great qualities for him. Work ethic is a great one. And that’s what your ds has honed in on. Showing you respect is very important now and not instilling any stupid ideas of what isn’t manly.
Your dh needs to keep an eye out that your ds isn’t being disrespectful towards you and he should talk you up a bit.

It’s a really short window before he hits the stage where you’re both utterly irrelevant! Don’t be discouraged though. You’ve already instilled great values. You don’t need his validation - try and detach a little bit. By all means challenge him a bit but don’t squash him.

I have boys slightly older than this, and I have found them pulling away at times but mostly still needing lots of hugs and tlc as before. I would say something slightly different from some other posters, that when he acts like this, he actually needs more tlc from you, he is sort of pushing you away to tell you that he is feeling out of his depth a bit.

I think that you need to also stay firm with him about his behaviour, don't take it personally - if you wouldn't want him to treat anyone else the way he treats you, tell him it isn't ok behaviour. And be straight about what he says about his father - tell him that yes his father works very hard but so do you, etc.

@rainallnight has said something about boys pulling away - I don't think that is right, I do think they start to copy male behaviour - even if they don't want to - so OP if you have any male role models which aren't great, it makes your job even harder - and your ds might be trying to get more attention from his father if as you say his father isn't very hands on