9 year old says she likes girls but is confused

[Rusty321]

My 9 year old dd just asked if she could tell me something and said she's into girls. I said right, ok well thats alright. She said I was worried about telling you, I said it doesn't matter whether you like girls or boys.
Is there someone you like, she shrugged. I said OK, well if there is that's ok and if there isn't that's ok too, you're only 9 there's no rush. Then she said it's all confusing and I asked what she meant and she said who I like.
I said we will love her whoever she likes and I dont want her to feel that she has to worry about putting labels on herself, she can be who she wants and like who she wants.
I just don't know whether I handled it right, it came as a bit of a shock an I was completely unprepared for it tbh 😕
I've told her we can talk about it whenever she wants, if she's confused or knows but also that there are lots of changes going on in her body at the moment also and that she can talk about how that makes her feel too if she wants 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️👀

Dd2 said the same thing to me at the same age and I responded the same way. Ironically she has had a 'boyfriend' since yr 2 - the same lovely lad who buys her presents for Christmas and is a favourite playmate.

She's coming up to 12 now and other than him she has never expressed a crush on anyone else at school or famous except possibly Neville from Harry Potter or Katherine Johnson Thompson (she clearly likes em tall!)

I don't think she's too young to know her preferences at 9. I knew I liked boys at that age, albeit not actual boys but pop stars etc. I do think pre puberty is too young to properly understand sexuality though.

I'm bi and definately knew (but didn't have the language ) by about 10.

I think you reacted well.

I'm not sure why people are assuming it comes from tiktok, or saying its too young.

In the same way if she told you she fancied a boy, you wouldn't assume that she was mistaken, but also wouldn't assume that she would fancy boys for the rest of her life.

I believe sexuality can be fluid, and that its not a bad thing if people think about fancying a gender, and later decide it doesnt fit. Doesnt mean they were wrong, just that its an evolving part of your identity. No one will hold you to it.

When I was about 8, I told my mum that I was going to be a lesbian when I grew up. Apparently I just like the idea of living with my best friend because sleepovers were the most fun ever. I had no idea of sex so my parents shared a bed and my friend and I slept in the same bed when she stayed so it made sense to me. I'm asexual.

I think you handled it great. No pressure from you and reassurance that she can always talk to you.
I think there is currently so much information about and some children will be talking about it at school, that children have a greater awareness and have more questions / queries that they dont quite know how to explain / ask at the moment. A lot if information and not neccessarily the skills/maturity to really understand all the info and linked emotions.
As others have said itcould simply be an age thing of 'boys are gross, i like girls better' - linked to conversations heard 'am i gay?' or it couldbe a developing awareness that she is into girls. Whatever, you have reassured her that her choices are hers to make and you love her no matter what. X

OP, I had almost the exact same conversation with my dd when she was 10. She's 11 now, starting high school next month, and still occasionally talks about herself as gay and believes that she is. Although has never said she fancies anyone or had a girlfriend.

We don't make a big deal of it, I have said though that I don't think she needs put a label on herself as her feelings may change, or not, and to just try and enjoy growing up and seeing where it takes her without any pressure. I've also told her as long as any future partner treats her with love and kindness and makes her happy they will be welcomed with open arms.

I think you said all the right things and most importantly didn't ridicule her or diminish her feelings which will mean she will feel confident discussing things with you in future.

I think at this age there is still a lot of 'role play' to make sense of the world. They still mimic so much so what they are watching or reading can definitely make them say things. I think you did the right thing, treat it lightly. If you think it's a very for attention, give them more attention. I shrug it off a bit, like them saying the 'f' word when they were 5 because a friend at school used it. I'm sure if I'd give into 'never say that word again', they would have realized it gets a reaction. However, they totally forgot about it! There's all sorts of stuff they get into in WhatsApp groups such as self harming, anorexia etc. Mine are only allowed supervised WhatsApp groups (They are nearly 13) for this reason.

My 8 year old told me she has a crush on her friend and would I mind if she liked girls. I just said she can like whoever she likes and she doesn't need to make any decisions right now but it's not a big deal

I don’t understand the ‘not even coming in to puberty’ type comments. Girls are starting periods as young as 8 these days and many at 9/10 are very much hitting puberty. The last thing I would say to my 10 year old is that she’s too young to know herself, her feelings are very real and valid. Even if I suspect they may be temporary.

OP you did a great job and I’m sure your daughter trusts you even more after that exchange

Awh it is great she can talk about these feelings with you.
My DD said the same at 9 she is nearly 13 still gay, she has never had any sort of relationship.
It won't matter either way.

@Summerdayshaze

A six year old at her school was a boy and is now a girl? Absolute rubbish. I’d be telling her that’s not possible and teaching her to centre herself and her own boundaries.

Yikes, missed that bit.

No wonder she's confused and thinks she has to have some kind of label on her 'identity'. That's extremely confusing and puts a lot of pressure on kids.

You said the right things, but don't make too much of it. At that age the idea of being with a boy is often "ick". My dd age 7 was adamant she was going go marry her best friend (female).when she grew up. At age 9 she was adamant she isnt going to get married at all and that there isnt a boy worth knowing on the face of the entire planet. Age 11, she no longer complains when she sees kissing on TV. I expect her feelings will change a lot over the years. I just say "sure that's fine, love you lots, sweet pea, happy to chat about any of this whenever you want."

And I know many individuals in the LGBTQ+ community who knew even earlier than me.

If you know you know 🤷🏼‍♀️ And tbh who cares anyway love is love 🌈

I'd be concerned that at 9 she's thinking about attraction at all.
It's fine to like whomever you like and that's the message you have but 9 is so you g to be thinking about anyone in that way

My step daughter told us the same age 11. 17 now and has a steady boyfriend, she says she was confused but an element of trying to be cool /different. We won't care if she decides she is bisexual or gay, and she knows this.

To all those saying 9 is too young.
When did you know you were straight? I imagine most of you just 'knew' inherently from a young age.

She’s learned about and read about it or heard about
I highly doubt she’s in to girls OR boys

I think you handled it well. My 8 and 10 year old’s are going through a bit of a phase where they’re convinced they both like girls. I don’t think they understand what they’re saying at all, they just don’t like ‘smelly boys’ so automatically think this must mean they ‘like’ girls. LGBTQ is popular at school so they’re hearing a lot about it from peers and sometimes just throw words around they definitely don’t understand. It’s all become a bit of a fad which saddens me because of how shocking people within the community can be treat. It shouldn’t be considered a fashion statement. It was cool to say you were bisexual when I was at school, barely any of them actually were.

I highly doubt she’s in to girls OR boys
At 9 she would have an awareness. My friend knew he was gay from a young child he'd give his action figures kisses and imagined marrying superman 🦸‍♂️ just like I did from age 6/7.

Sounds like handled perfectly.

I don't know why people think it is too young. I remember at around 7 I had my first crush. On a redcoat at Butlins called Danny. Then when I was 9 or 10 until I left school I really fancied a boy in my class. No Internet then. No 'pressures' from anything. I very much knew I was straight.

To the people saying their children have never said anything like that, how do you know they aren't feeling it but don't say anything? Because they know what reaction they may get?

My boys (10 and 7) know that 2 people of same sex can get married as we have gas cousins who are married. They know they can talk to me. Not yet had these conversations but I hope when they feel things they can come and talk to me. I won't make them feel like they are too young and risk them not coming to me again.

I don’t get the ‘too young’ argument.

9 year olds have crushes. She’s just learning who she fancies and there nothing wrong with that.

I think you handled it perfectly well OP.

What I’m learning here is that some people really don’t think about fancying anyone until they’re teenagers, and others (me included) have proper crushes from a very young age. I had “boyfriends” at nursery who I didn’t fancy - just liked - but big crushes from 7ish onwards on people I knew, and those feelings were the same as when I had crushes later on. Not knowing about sex or wanting to have sex doesn’t mean you can’t feel fluttery, excited, want to be around them, want them to like you, want to be close to them etc!

Good for your daughter OP and good for you.

@GeorgeM1

The best choice is to go to the psychologist.

Why does she need to go to a psychologist?