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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thinking of letting DD go out with this boy tomorrow?

75 replies

fortolke · 04/08/2021 17:42

I'm happy to be told I'm BU!

DD made a lovely friend when she started secondary school, he was in year 10 at the time and they were good friends but when DD went back to school last September, they stopped messaging each other.

They started messaging each other again a couple of weeks ago, today DD asked if she could go out with him tomorrow, to the beach. I told DD I would think about it and I told DH I was thinking of saying yes, but he said I shouldn't let her and the boy's behaviour is ‘creepy’ as he's 17, and DD is only 14, and that we hardly know him as I've only met him once.

AIBU to be thinking of saying yes?

OP posts:

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 04/08/2021 18:55

No no no

DramaAlpaca · 04/08/2021 18:55

A big no from me.

Marmitemarinaded · 04/08/2021 18:56

When she started secondary school?? So she was 11:12 when he his began and he was in year 10.

Now that is perturbing

UserStillatLarge · 04/08/2021 18:58

Going against the flow here. My DS is 17 and some of DD's friends are 14 and I would say have a similar level of maturity.
If the DC's birthdays had been in different months they might only be 2 school years apart and no one would think anything of a Year 12 boy going out with a Year 10 girl.

The beach is surely a pretty public place anyway?

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 19:00

@Thatsjustwhatithink

He's creepy. The DH has nailed it. If a 17 year old is going after a 14 year old it means no 17 year old girl wants to date him and that's he's a borderline peado.

Borderline paedo? Seriously a 14 year old is too old for a paedo.

Mushybananas · 04/08/2021 19:01

Hard to know. It’s not fair to presume he has certain intentions but also you don’t want to put her at risk. I went out with an 18 year old when I was 15. He was very respectful towards me and wouldn’t take things too far. But you don’t know how he will behave. I don’t know what I would do.

Nextchapterofmybook · 04/08/2021 19:03

Nope

Mumdiva99 · 04/08/2021 19:03

When I started secondary school I had a group of friends from all years. We had a shared interest which was how we became friends. This continued through school where friends were always through interests. So if that was the scenario I would let her.

Equally I had a dodgy date with a friends older brother who was on a completely different page and maturity to me.....we weren't from the same friendship.group. so in that way I'd say no.

BarryTheKestrel · 04/08/2021 19:06

I'd just like to throw that at 14 I had a lot of 17/18 year old friends, male and female and my DM was always very adamant that I shouldn't be friends with them, so I lied about where I was and who I was with. At no point did anything untoward happen when spending 1 on 1 time with these older lads and most I am still friends with now in my 30s.

You know your daughter best.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2021 19:11

I have a 16 year old and I would not have allowed this.

Original poster

fortolke · 04/08/2021 19:12

DD is 15 at the start of September, and he turned 17 a few weeks ago. If DD was born a few days earlier, she would be going into year 11 next month.

They met through a lunchtime club and became friends. They stopped messaging when he started college as he was busy, but he messaged her a few weeks ago saying he missed them being friends etc. He asked her to go ask friends, as they aren't in a relationship and don't think they have been (me and DD have a very open relationship).

OP posts:

choli · 04/08/2021 19:12

@Blossomtoes

There is always a reason they aren't looking for a girlfriend their own age.

And that reason is usually because girls their own age aren’t interested, they want boyfriends a couple of years older. It’s up to you, OP, go with what your gut tells you.

This was certainly true when I was that age. All the girls dated boys at least two years older.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 19:22

@fortolke

DD is 15 at the start of September, and he turned 17 a few weeks ago. If DD was born a few days earlier, she would be going into year 11 next month.

So it sounds like a 3 year age gap but really is is 2 years and a couple of months. That sounds reasonable to me, particularly for a day on the beach. If the beach is anything like my local beach they will be surrounded by families with little kids everywhere. Not exactly the venue for a sudden seduction.

FunMcCool · 04/08/2021 20:03

Yeah with your daughter turning 15 soon I’d say yes. It’s good she was open and honest with you.

Babymamma192 · 04/08/2021 20:08

I'd say no.

TrampolineForMrKite · 04/08/2021 20:18

When I was 17 and in first year of sixth form, my experience was very much that my 17yo male classmates were far more suited to the girls in year 10 and 11, whilst we girls were fawning after either the boys in the upper sixth or grown men beyond the school gates. So I don’t think it’s especially weird to be honest. Whether I’d want my 14yo daughter hanging out with a 17yo boy is another issue, but with some boundaries in place it could be absolutely fine.

Babybabybabyooooh · 04/08/2021 20:19

Older boyfriends are definitely the norm so that wouldn’t immediately worry me unless I knew something specific about the boy that suggested I should worry.
I think as she’s told you’d asked you and been completely honest I’d let her go, but I’d get her to just check in while out and let her know that if she wants to come home at any point, for any reason, then you’ll be in the car the second she messages.
If you want some extra peace of mind maybe get him to come to yours before hand or the day before so you can just meet him properly and get a good feel for him before they go?

Hopelesscase32 · 04/08/2021 20:25

100% no!

Notimeforaname · 04/08/2021 20:33

Yep 15 and 17 fine. Met at a club. Fine. No problem there. He could be 15 and a creep. So the age here isn't a problem. It's of he's a good person you need to wonder about.

I teach a physical activity(in normal times) and have groups of 15-18 year olds mix. I dont see the issue.

Jerima · 04/08/2021 20:54

I wouldn't let her go to the beach with him, too much bikini and laying on blankets going on there I'd allow something like shopping or restaurant arcade bowling type of thing where proper clothes are worn but I would be cautious still then.

Staywithmemyblood · 04/08/2021 21:30

I’m inclined to agree with you @fortolke and @UserStillatLarge

Your DD is being honest about where she would like to go and who with, and IMO this is more important than some knee-jerk reaction that this boy is a paedo. She wants to go to the (local?) beach during the day (so it will be busy), with a boy (albeit 2-3 years older than her), that she knows well and is comfortable with.

OTT catastrophic thinking is not helpful in maintaining a good relationship and effective communication with your DD. She’s being upfront and honest about her plans atm so build on that - have a conversation with your DD about any concerns you (or your DH have) about her plans, perhaps introduce some compromises (eg- transport, timings, text updates etc) and agree an emergency exit strategy with her.

Teenagers will usually find a way to do what they want whether parents know about it or not. If you say no to this, it is more likely your DD will be less honest in future (I’m guessing your DH would say yes if she asked to go to the beach with her girl friends?)

Good luck finding a middle ground going forward 🍀💐

Original poster

fortolke · 04/08/2021 22:33

I think I will let her go, the beach is only about half an hour away, and he does seem nice, I've only met him once but I have read their messages and they seem normal, DD has also been honest about wanting to see him. I think they're just friends (I might've been a bit more uncomfortable about them being alone if they were in a relationship).

OP posts:

Namechange125 · 05/08/2021 10:01

I wouldn't

Namechange125 · 05/08/2021 11:17

Why would a 17 year old want to hanga around with a 14 year old

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 13:17

@Namechange125

Why would a 17 year old want to hanga around with a 14 year old

In many cases I think you can guess

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