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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to this wedding?

44 replies

Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:38

It’s the wedding of a childhood friend. Used to hang out a lot as children as our parents worked together and knew each other. This continued until we were around 15 then seemed to go separate ways. I remember lending her my ID several times as she’s a year younger than me,then I wasn’t invited to her 18th which hurt a little.

Over the years her parents moved away and we lost contact a little. I’ve seen her around 3 times in the past 10 years and honestly don’t really speak, except for wishing each other happy birthday.

I am including this info just to say that it’s not somebody I’m close with.
I really appreciate that she’s invited us to the wedding though.

It got rearranged a couple of times because of Covid, but we’ve had the confirmed date since May. The problem is I have very recently changed jobs. The wedding is in 10 days’ time and it’s hundreds of miles away in Wales, so I’ll need 3 days off work at the most.

I only changed jobs last week and didn’t feel that I could ask for a holiday so soon. If they even accept it wouldn’t be paid, so I’d lose almost £200 in wages.
I went on a family holiday 2 weeks ago whilst in my old job and I had to take unpaid leave for that too.

Aibu to not go? I have to tell her tonight latest as obviously it’s very unfair to tell her only a day or two before. The rest of my family are going luckily. I feel bad and do want to go, I know I’m not close to her, but still feel rude. However it’s a lot of wages to lose and it’s likely the job wouldn’t let me anyway.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:40

I would be getting a lift there so wouldn’t need to pay transport costs. If it were local it would be different as I could at least go to the reception,

OP posts:
Coka · 04/08/2021 17:41

I wouldn't go but I would send a small gift and a card.

Echobelly · 04/08/2021 17:41

I wouldn't go 'Sorry, I've just started a new job and can't get the time off', I'm sure she'd understand and as you're not a close friend and other family members are going. I can't see her being offended and if she is, that would be her problem.

cheesecrackerz · 04/08/2021 17:41

I wouldn't go

Doidontimmm · 04/08/2021 17:41

I think you should have told her long before now as she will likely still have to pay for you. When was the rsvp for?

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:42

Yes i’ll certainly send a gift. I don’t want to inconvenience them, I feel rude but hopefully she’ll understand.

OP posts:
Leftphalange · 04/08/2021 17:42

I wouldn't go but I also would have declined the first time. With 10 days to go presumably they will still have to pay for your place?

StormyTeacups · 04/08/2021 17:42

When did you find out you'd be changing jobs? It seems odd you'd only realise this now, it's very short notice.

But no, I probably wouldn't go.

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:42

She said she needs numbers by this week latest. I was going to go but my job situation changed.

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 04/08/2021 17:42

I would say that you were led to believe at interview that the time off would not be an issue, turns out the person doing the promising was acting beyond their pay grade and as such you can't have the time off, not even unpaid.

EllaBlaire · 04/08/2021 17:44

Say you’ve got to self isolate

EllaBlaire · 04/08/2021 17:44

Or say your work won’t allow you the time off

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:48

Weddings and hens in the past have always cost me in the hundreds. I haven’t got that kind of money, I really wish I had said no earlier on but I didn’t know I’d change jobs.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 04/08/2021 17:48

You should have told her ages ago for that Yabu you knew about your holiday, your new job, the distance etc
But in those circumstances yanbu to not want to go

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:50

I feel horrible, I’m still thinking what to do.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2021 17:51

Well if you'd wanted to go you'd have given your new job your holiday dates when you started so seems like you're using inactivity as an excuse.

Tell her you're not able to come and send a car and gift with your family

Imgoingbackto505 · 04/08/2021 17:51

If she needs numbers this week I think it's fine to drop out for good reason, she may have a back up list of people to invite 😬

gogohm · 04/08/2021 17:52

I would go because you should have cancelled weeks ago when you knew you were changing jobs. Catering is usually finalised 2 weeks beforehand

Elouera · 04/08/2021 17:54

I wouldn't go, but send a card and gift.

I personally would have let her weeks ago, even if she really said to leave it till 10 days beforehand!!! Hmm

If you'd really wanted to go, I'm sure you would have mentioned a pre-arranged event/wedding etc when you had the job offer. SAve your money and enjoy your new job.

thefirstmrsrochester · 04/08/2021 17:55

FinallyFluid

I would say that you were led to believe at interview that the time off would not be an issue, turns out the person doing the promising was acting beyond their pay grade and as such you can't have the time off, not even unpaid.

this 👆

As you say, she’s not particularly a close friend, she is yet to confirm numbers to her venue, and other family members are attending so ‘face’ is shown.

BrilliantBetty · 04/08/2021 17:57

If she has not yet paid for your place then decline with an apology. And send a card.

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from her again! But do you really care?

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 17:58

I’m going to ask my job tomorrow if I can take the days unpaid.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/08/2021 17:59

Of course you can say no as she is looking for final numbers.

The above explanation is good.

Original poster
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 04/08/2021 18:02

If they say no then I’ll offer to send her money for my place.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 04/08/2021 18:03

I wouldn't go hit I would let her know asap and as others have said send a card with a gift voucher or something in it. It was nice of her to think of you.