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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Covid House Guest

38 replies

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:10

My Dd is 19 and boyfriend of 3 years is 23. He lives with his Dad but since Covid he has been staying with us so that he’s not mixing with two households. After the last lockdown ended last summer I mentioned to him that it was legally allowed for him to go back home, which he did. However, since the recent lockdown in December he came back to ours and is still here. He is a lovely lad and he does lots of odd jobs around the house and garden which is a great help as my husband works away. Because all of this was a temporary arrangement I have never charged him any keep as no one knew how long this Covid would go in for. Since Boris’ announcement on the 19th July I’ve been drumming up the courage to tell him that it’s time for him to move back home with his Dad, who has had been paying keep to for the whole duration. I am an earth mother type and feel sorry for him as he had a hard upbringing, mother was an alcoholic who subsequently died last month and had no home life to speak of. We are lucky in that we live in a very nice house and have a happy household. He has fitted into our family very well but at the end of the day this is not his home and I feel that as a young couple it will be good for them to have their own space. AIBU in telling him that it’s now time to go back to his Dads?

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 03/08/2021 23:12

What does your daughter thi k?

LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 23:14

What are your honest reasons for wanting him to leave? It sounds like a pretty nice set up for everyone as it is right now

DeflatedGinDrinker · 03/08/2021 23:14

Of course YANBU he has been living with you rent free for all this time. He's taking the piss.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 23:18

So his mum died last month? And he's been staying with you this whole time with his dad paying you money for his keep? Or the boyfriend has continued to pay his dad even though he's not living there?

Lots to think about here. Does he have a job?

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:18

I mentioned it to her the other day and she said “well it’s not like he’s living here.”
I told her that he comes here straight from work, showers, eats evening meal, sleeps here and I provide a packed lunch so I think you can safely say he lives here!!!
She went in to say that if he goes home he doesn’t eat properly which I told her is not my problem, he’s 23 not 13!!!! She doesn’t want him to go. If he did go back he always comes around in the evening and stays over anyway. It’s a tricky one and in all fairness I have spoilt him. I can’t fault him in anyway, he’s hard working, has a trade and has done so much in our house.

OP posts:

comedycentral · 03/08/2021 23:20

Maybe it's time for them to think about living together properly (saving for a house/ flat of their own)

brittleheadgirl · 03/08/2021 23:21

If his mum died just a month ago, asking him to move out would be really cruel.

Notcontent · 03/08/2021 23:21

Well, if your dd wants him to stay and he is no trouble, could you just let him stay but ask for a contribution towards food etc?

Frazzled2207 · 03/08/2021 23:24

It everyone is happy with the status quo I would be talking about charging him “rent”. He might be nice but it sounds like you’ve let him take the piss a bit.

Splendo · 03/08/2021 23:25

Were his mum and dad together? Could you suggest that he should go home to give his dad more support, as he's grieving?

StareyCat · 03/08/2021 23:25

It's your house so ultimately your rules as to whether or not he stays. But he's 23 and might not want to move back to his Dad's. Also, you might find that your DD would rather live with him than you. So YANBU to ask him to move out, but will it end up with the household makeup you're hoping for?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 23:26

@brittleheadgirl

If his mum died just a month ago, asking him to move out would be really cruel.

I don't disagree with this, but there's also the fact that his dad is now alone. Does he visit his dad? What is their relationship like?

I think if he's going to stay, you certainly need to formalise things and agree a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:27

No he pays his Dad keep but doesn’t stay there. He has a trade and works 6 days a week and is saving for a house. He never got on with his Mum and has lived with his Dad since he was 11 and has no remorse over his mum dying, he didn’t even go to the funeral, that’s how hurt he is over his early childhood.

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tintodeverano2 · 03/08/2021 23:30

@brittleheadgirl

If his mum died just a month ago, asking him to move out would be really cruel.

Yeah this is a tough time for him. Maybe speak to them both and say that you need them to pay housekeeping if they're to stay like this.

DeRigueurMortis · 03/08/2021 23:30

I think you need to formalise an arrangement or he moves out.

In other words he pays rent and if not there there is an expectation that he is not at your house every night (3nights a week for example).

You're worst case is he "moves home" and is still living with you.

You might be right about them having space but they won't hear it at that age.

Better for you to make them behave as adults by pulling their own weight effort/financial in the house and setting ground rules.

At least it sounds like he's a nice, helpful person so I'd cut some slack on that basis alone.

Howshouldibehave · 03/08/2021 23:30

I think they are taking the piss-he’s moved in by stealth! Lockdown ended bloody ages ago. Its hardly fair that he’s not paying a penny to you but is paying keep to his dad when he doesn’t live there and isn’t costing him any money!?

Does your daughter work? Sounds like they need a place of their own. If she can’t afford that, I’d say he needs to go home but can stay over Friday and/or Saturday nights if you’re happy with that, but they can cook for you all one of those nights.

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:32

He had no relationship whatsoever with his Mum. He still sees his Dad.
The easiest thing would be to as you say to formalise it but it’s my daughters first boyfriend and although they have been together 3 years I just think it’s healthy to have some space. My daughter can’t afford to move out yet as she training to be nurse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:35

I have no worries of daughter leaving yet as she is training to be a nurse and has a good home life. I realise I’ve been a pushover but I need to man up now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:40

No they divorced when he was 11 and neither of them have had contact or a relationship with her since. Neither of the are grieving whatsoever. I tried talking to him about his Mum but he just says she was always drunk and wasn’t there for him and his siblings. TBH I think he sees in me the mother he never had as I have looked after him and our family have shown him a happy family life.

OP posts:

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 23:43

Can you encourage him to spend a bit more time at his dad's now restrictions have eased? Maybe suggest he could move to paying you keep, but make up for the loss to his dad by doing shopping, odd jobs there. Effectively switching round what has been in place. A couple of evenings over there would give him some time away from your
DD.

Muchasgracias · 03/08/2021 23:55

What does his Dad think? Do you know? Could you invite his Dad over for dinner and then (only after the event, obvs), start to open up the conversation?

LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 23:59

I actually misread your post, I thought you’d said his dad is paying you keep for him. So he’s not contributing financially?

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2021 00:05

Why is he paying his dad keep when he stays mostly at yours? Should he not just pay you, then all issues would be resolved? Given you’re up to the point of providing packed lunches (hello, is he handless?!), he should be paying you!

BruceAndNosh · 04/08/2021 00:09

He should be paying keep wherever he lives.
So he either goes back to live with his dad or else he pays to live at yours

Original poster

Sparkle5 · 04/08/2021 00:21

Thanks for all your input. You’ve basically answered my question for me. I have been a soft touch and this weekend I’ll mention to him that restrictions have been lifted now and it’s time for him to spend time at home.
I need to do it as I’m starting to get a little resentful now as I realise that although he does odd jobs he has taken the piss.

OP posts:

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