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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Covid House Guest

38 replies

Sparkle5 · 03/08/2021 23:10

My Dd is 19 and boyfriend of 3 years is 23. He lives with his Dad but since Covid he has been staying with us so that he’s not mixing with two households. After the last lockdown ended last summer I mentioned to him that it was legally allowed for him to go back home, which he did. However, since the recent lockdown in December he came back to ours and is still here. He is a lovely lad and he does lots of odd jobs around the house and garden which is a great help as my husband works away. Because all of this was a temporary arrangement I have never charged him any keep as no one knew how long this Covid would go in for. Since Boris’ announcement on the 19th July I’ve been drumming up the courage to tell him that it’s time for him to move back home with his Dad, who has had been paying keep to for the whole duration. I am an earth mother type and feel sorry for him as he had a hard upbringing, mother was an alcoholic who subsequently died last month and had no home life to speak of. We are lucky in that we live in a very nice house and have a happy household. He has fitted into our family very well but at the end of the day this is not his home and I feel that as a young couple it will be good for them to have their own space. AIBU in telling him that it’s now time to go back to his Dads?

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 04/08/2021 00:26

How has he taken the piss? Because he has stayed at your invitation?

I’m struggling to understand why you want him to leave. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t - it’s perfectly ok to want your house to yourself but you’re not saying.

You should be prepared that if he moves out DD will follow very quickly.

LolaButt · 04/08/2021 00:32

Gosh. Helping around the house, doing loads of work on the home. Polite, kind etc. He is welcome to come and live with me and I will pay him!

He sounds like a lovely man for your daughter to be in a relationship with. Based on the info you’ve given, I would just say look it’s time to make a choice. Either live here or with your dad. If it’s here then the contribution would normally be X, but because you give your time and skill to upgrading our home then X is more appropriate.

BrandNewHeretic · 04/08/2021 00:51

I honestly don't think that it sounds like he's taking the piss. If you want him to go to have your own space back, fair enough. But say that, and don't make it into something it's not - he stayed on your invitation, Is polite and kind, and helps out around the house. Either ask him to return to his father's or stay and contribute to your house. But don't twist it into him taking the piss so you don't feel guilty about asking him to leave- it's your house, you shouldn't feel guilty.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 04/08/2021 01:00

If he did go back he always comes around in the evening and stays over anyway. It’s a tricky one and in all fairness I have spoilt him. I can’t fault him in anyway, he’s hard working, has a trade and has done so much in our house.

Have a chat with him about paying board. It doesn't sound like he'll move out even if does move out.

SpacePotato · 04/08/2021 01:14

Well he's got it cushy hasn't he? A 23 year old man having 2 women to do everything for him. Although I suspect you get all the shit jobs whilst though, whilst she just shares a bed.
You cook his tea and make him a packed lunch every day and he contributes no money to this yet pays his dad for doing fuck all.
Do you do his washing too?

Tell him to go back to his dads. Why can't your DD go there a few nights a week to give you a bloody break?

They are both walking all over you.

His house deposit must be huge.

EccentricaGalumbits · 04/08/2021 01:46

I'm just picking up on your repeated mentions of his mother not being close to him, as I feel you're suggesting it's not a great loss that needs to be factored into the situation here.

I speak from experience here, please don't underestimate how much the death of a parent knocks you around emotionally even when it was a distant or dysfunctional relationship.

It's a different sort of grief to losing a person who you love dearly but it's still devastating. All the old wounds are opened back up, the chance to repair the relationship is lost forever, and you are grieving the person you wish they could have been. It's horrible.

I wouldn't be asking much of him at the moment.

melj1213 · 04/08/2021 02:01

Would you be willing (and happy) to let him move in permanently if it was a more formal arrangement and he started paying his way?

If not then you just tell him he needs to move home with his dad and then put some boundaries up regarding visiting so that it is very clear his primary residence is his dad's house (eg he can only stay over 1/2 nights a week/not making him packed lunches etc).

If you would be happy for him to move in then you need to sit down with him and DD and put forward the offer - he either moves in properly or moves out. If he wants to move in the terms are XYZ. Give him time to think about it but set a deadline too - you need to know by a specific date what his plans are.

Maskless · 04/08/2021 06:56

Let him stay 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next, alternately.

Ask him to divide whatever he pays his dad between you and his dad 50-50.

this arrangement meets ALL your concerns.

MrsEko · 04/08/2021 07:09

I'm just picking up on your repeated mentions of his mother not being close to him, as I feel you're suggesting it's not a great loss that needs to be factored into the situation here.
She is repeating it because other people are either cross-posting or not reading her posts.

He may be delightful and hardworking but he is a 23 year old living with the op rent free while he saves for a house. So she is paying for him to save up for a house.

Whilst some people may be able to afford to subside their own adult children on this way, it is far from the norm. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago about a 18 year old who had just finished his A levels and was going on holiday with his friends and couldn't afford the Covid tests and people were full of how he was an adult now and should get a job and pay rent.

Another side effect of taking him in like this and financially supporting him is that they now have an unrealistic view of living together.

Holly60 · 04/08/2021 07:15

I think you don’t really want him and your daughter to make it, and you feel you are making their relationship too easy. Ie if he keeps living with you they might end up just drifting along into marriage and babies, rather than actively choosing it. If this wasn’t the case you’d already see the boyfriend as family and you wouldn’t be thinking about asking him to move out without your daughter.

I think that’s a valid concern but you need to be honest with your daughter. She will probably work it out anyway

anotherwinkywinkybumbum · 04/08/2021 07:15

I don't think he has taken the piss. If you've not spoken to him about the situation how is he to know that you're not happy. Taking the piss is a malicious thing in my eyes. This just sounds like lack of communication.

Hathertonhariden · 04/08/2021 08:02

What is your end goal? Are you happy for him to be staying as long as he pays his way? Do you want him to move back to his dad's? If the latter are you happy if your dd goes with him?

You need to be clear about what you want before raising it with them.

Topofthepopicles · 04/08/2021 08:32

Two decades later I’m still happily married to my first boyfriend. Some things my parents did thinking he was “just a teenage boyfriend” have taken years and years to undo (if ever).
I think you should speak to your DD about this and offer the option of him paying to live with you instead.
Probably she’ll move out to be with him if you make it difficult, which may be fine practically. But the emotional fallout may take longer to repair.

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