‘Was I/Am I’ BU

[Wills]

Much to my horror, my youngest (11yrs) had to have a tooth removed today because of decay. She’s the youngest of 4 and the other three have always heeded my nagging (though the 3rd is close to DC4) and never got to this stage. I haven’t told her off, but never have I molly coddled her. Having had 2 teeth removed due to old age/grinding my teeth I knew what she was going to go through. I didn’t dramatise it but equally I didn’t say it would be pain free. However….. I really thought they could protect her more than they did! I knew the injection would bloody hurt (anyone whose had a dental injection will know its squirming around in the dental chair painful) so I held her (well I held her hand although they made no allowances for me to get near her and the dental nurse made loads of noises about how my child should hold her hand rather than mine), I had to bend myself around the chair and light to simply get hold of her. She sobbed loads during the injection and I get that. It’s during the extraction that I got upset (not that she knew!). They/he kept promising her that it wouldn’t hurt anymore, yet at the last stages she was in obvious agony. All I knew is that if I’d bought it to a close, she’d have to go through another injection and from previous experience I know that’s the worst bit. Anyway. He pulled it out,

I was/am somewhat gobsmacked by my reaction. He pulled the tooth and placed it in a small dish beside me. I looked at it and all I could think was “I made that! And you’ve pulled it out and caused my child pain - you bastard”.

I was totally unprepared for how I felt! Has anyone else gone through something similar. My mother talks regularly about ‘mother tiger’ instinct, but that’s the first time I’ve almost raised a fist. I have no doubt that the bulk of responsibility lies with me, but we’ve not missed a single appointment - even during lockdown. So why did he skip an ordinary filling??? Why did she have to lose a tooth? That said she has one behind this and a wisdom trying to come through so the odds are that they’ll close up and she’ll never have a gap. Equally this may be the turning point and she may now look after her teeth (phew). But what a dramatic way to make a point. Has anyone else been through similar. Would love to hear from you!

My MIL punched the dentist when getting a toooth removed, so you handled it better than her

@ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands

Anyone can request numbing gel before the injections. I'm a dentist wimp but I have one of those now and don't feel the injections

She had loads of gel. I’ve had it too - doesn’t do anything for me so wasn’t surprised it didn’t do anything for her. Having read other threads am starting to wonder if we’re just over sensitive orally. Have broken a wrist before now and carried on like normal thinking it was just a sprain. But when it comes to my teeth seem to fall apart. Else where would cradle a limb a carry on like the true English spirit that I uphold (haha)

@slightlysnippy

My MIL punched the dentist when getting a toooth removed, so you handled it better than her

Yes!!! Thank you

@CantChatNow

I had a tooth out in my teens (not decay related) and there was none of this drama! Don’t think my mum even came in with me tbh. Sounds like your dentist is just a bit rubbish!

I sooo wonder

@fourandnomore

A lot of the people commenting I don’t think have had a tooth pulled as a child or watched their child have a tooth pulled out and are giving you a hard time and I don’t mean that rudely but I watched my 5 year old have a tooth pulled out last year and it was honestly my worst moment of parenting and she is also the youngest of four, so there have been some sad ones. I was extremely upset by it. Really emotional. The injection was extremely painful for her, she was squirming in the chair and I wasn’t next to her either. The dentist let me come over to hold her hand, then give her a hug while the anaesthetic set in. Except it didn’t really and apparently it doesn’t in a lot of children. The dentist warned me that once she started pulling it she wouldn’t stop because there’s no way a child would let her start again (she’s a lovely dentist and has children a similar age and is very caring so knew I’d be upset). She let me hold her on the chair and it was horrendous. I have never heard screaming like it. It was probably over within 20 seconds but of course felt much longer and my child was bleeding and crying and really shaken afterwards. I obviously held it together for her but the dentist even asked me if I was ok afterwards and let us leave immediately to have a proper cuddle. I know your child is a bit older but I would have felt the same with my 11 or 8 year old too. Sending you a hug as it’s an awful experience to see your child in that much pain and not be able to comfort them. I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. It took a while to regain my child’s trust and she is scared of going to any medical type place now but we will get there. I’ll just add that I am not remotely health anxious. My background is health so it’s nothing that makes me worried or that I’ve projected onto my child. She genuinely used to love going as the dentist is so lovely!

Thank you! You’ve made me cry - I never cry, though those Mumsnetters that would seek to make me over dramatic/unreasonable would quote this! I was raised by parents that felt that the hard knocks school was the best and actually I kinda believe this too. This is my 4th! But it was horrible! Yes she hasn’t brushed her teeth properly despite lots of nagging and, for that matter, lots of me intervening. But at the end of the day she has to brush her own teeth. Even so, it was gauling to watch her pain, Thank you for understanding my position. So many others have sought to judge, but how many of those have watched their child undergo pain that made them their child squirm and cry. Thank you for getting what I went through!

@slightlysnippy

My MIL punched the dentist when getting a toooth removed, so you handled it better than her

That’s so made me laugh! Thank you - for giving me a high! Superb - and kudos to your mil!!!! Though equally I feel for her dentist. Who would be dentist (though if you look at their pay rates we should encourage our kids to become them!)!!

(anyone whose had a dental injection will know its squirming around in the dental chair painful)

It really isn't. Squirming around might make it more painful though. If you just keep still it's no more than a dull ache.

@fourandnomore

A lot of the people commenting I don’t think have had a tooth pulled as a child or watched their child have a tooth pulled out and are giving you a hard time and I don’t mean that rudely but I watched my 5 year old have a tooth pulled out last year and it was honestly my worst moment of parenting and she is also the youngest of four, so there have been some sad ones. I was extremely upset by it. Really emotional. The injection was extremely painful for her, she was squirming in the chair and I wasn’t next to her either. The dentist let me come over to hold her hand, then give her a hug while the anaesthetic set in. Except it didn’t really and apparently it doesn’t in a lot of children. The dentist warned me that once she started pulling it she wouldn’t stop because there’s no way a child would let her start again (she’s a lovely dentist and has children a similar age and is very caring so knew I’d be upset). She let me hold her on the chair and it was horrendous. I have never heard screaming like it. It was probably over within 20 seconds but of course felt much longer and my child was bleeding and crying and really shaken afterwards. I obviously held it together for her but the dentist even asked me if I was ok afterwards and let us leave immediately to have a proper cuddle. I know your child is a bit older but I would have felt the same with my 11 or 8 year old too. Sending you a hug as it’s an awful experience to see your child in that much pain and not be able to comfort them. I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. It took a while to regain my child’s trust and she is scared of going to any medical type place now but we will get there. I’ll just add that I am not remotely health anxious. My background is health so it’s nothing that makes me worried or that I’ve projected onto my child. She genuinely used to love going as the dentist is so lovely!

I’ve had 2 v large glasses of wine, so I’m sorry if I’ve already responded, But have to give you a massive thank you. You sooo get what I’ve gone through. Yes our respective kids age’s are irrespective. I believe your dentist is more able to understand human emotions. Mine is a superb dentist, of that I have no doubt, but has very little empathy and certainly no kids of his own,, however the rest of the team are fabulous. I did have the option of saving the tooth but that would have entailed 2 x 2 hour operations (our teeth have (unfortunately) complex roots and root canals are v.v. Complex. To have saved her /the tooth would have involved multiple operations whereas removing it would be the simplest solution especially as it would give.a back tooth and a rising wisedom tooth room to dominate,

I was a dental nurse. Your definitely being unreasonable. She won't have felt pain but she will have felt pushing and fekt uncomfortable. I had one removed last week so recent personal experience too.

It's not pleasant bit not painful.

@Carrotinthesky

(anyone whose had a dental injection will know its squirming around in the dental chair painful)

It really isn't. Squirming around might make it more painful though. If you just keep still it's no more than a dull ache.

So I’ve given birth to 4 kids, yet would chose that over having a dental injection. Another poster has suggested that there are some who are more than normal sensitive to injections so maybe that’s me and my kids - but seriously I’d rather go through childbirth than have another injection/tooth extraction!!!!

@maddy68

I was a dental nurse. Your definitely being unreasonable. She won't have felt pain but she will have felt pushing and fekt uncomfortable. I had one removed last week so recent personal experience too.

It's not pleasant bit not painful.

Ummm. Have had 4 kids. Would rather go through another childbirth than have another tooth drill on. AIBU? Well possibly?! But that’s the point! We all experience pain differently! For me tooth work is far worse than childbirth. For someone else that’s a complete anathema! So as mum’s how do we help each other????

I’m sorry you both had this experience. I have a high pain threshold and have had several minor surgeries under different forms of anaesthetic. A couple of years ago, however, I had what was supposed to be a 15 minute biopsy procedure that turned out to be a 90 minute shit show. The GP and nurse were absolutely barbaric (I wish I was exaggerating), unprofessional, dismissive, and actually medically negligent. I sobbed like a devastated toddler from five minutes in til an hour after the procedure. All this to say, these things can and do happen without there being some “anxiety” issue. It’s just plain shitty health “care”. It’s traumatic and distressing, and again, I’m so sorry you both experienced that.

As for the concept of “Tiger Mum”, my own mother, following a visit to me in the labour ward, spotted the OBGYN that examined me earlier that day when leaving the hospital. He was an absolute savage and is now the focus of a class action medical malpractice suit. “That’s the one that made Messed cry!” said DM to DSF. His response? “Let me run him over!”

Keep that Tiger spirit. It’s natural and will serve you and your Cubs well ♥️

@maddy68

I was a dental nurse. Your definitely being unreasonable. She won't have felt pain but she will have felt pushing and fekt uncomfortable. I had one removed last week so recent personal experience too.

It's not pleasant bit not painful.

Also, good on you for believing that! I’ve broken my wrist and gone on believing that because I kept going it couldn’t be broken. EQually a couple of years ago I smashed my knee to smitereens on a slope but became renown for suggesting all I needed to do was put ice on it and it was only a sprain (numerous ops and a plate and 6 pins later….). But that doesn’t escape from the agony of watching our children go through pain. Yes you’re a dental nurse - good on you. Hopefully none of your kids will experience the pain I watched my youngest go through today. But don’t belittle her pain! I’m sure there are many who would feel agony during childbirth but would laugh at having a tooth removed! We can’t/shouldn’t question another’s pain, I didn’t come on here to measure my daughter’s pain only to question whether my reaction to her agony (don’t question her pain level lest you’ve been there)n was unreasonable. It was unexpected and I only came here to find others who understand it!

@MessedOfTimes

I’m sorry you both had this experience. I have a high pain threshold and have had several minor surgeries under different forms of anaesthetic. A couple of years ago, however, I had what was supposed to be a 15 minute biopsy procedure that turned out to be a 90 minute shit show. The GP and nurse were absolutely barbaric (I wish I was exaggerating), unprofessional, dismissive, and actually medically negligent. I sobbed like a devastated toddler from five minutes in til an hour after the procedure. All this to say, these things can and do happen without there being some “anxiety” issue. It’s just plain shitty health “care”. It’s traumatic and distressing, and again, I’m so sorry you both experienced that.

As for the concept of “Tiger Mum”, my own mother, following a visit to me in the labour ward, spotted the OBGYN that examined me earlier that day when leaving the hospital. He was an absolute savage and is now the focus of a class action medical malpractice suit. “That’s the one that made Messed cry!” said DM to DSF. His response? “Let me run him over!”

Keep that Tiger spirit. It’s natural and will serve you and your Cubs well ♥️

Thank you for understanding. If I knew how to send the flowers emoji I would. Good luck in everything and sending much love!

Having a tooth pulled shouldn't be a painful experience, in fact I've found having a scale and polish more uncomfortable. The injection can be a bit nippy at worst but the extraction should be painless. Maybe she didn't actually find it painful but didn't like the feeling of the tooth being loosened? If she was anxious it may be that she anticipated it was going to be painful so squirmed etc?

I had a tooth extracted when I was 6 or 7 because of over crowding, not decay. My mum looked into my mouth as the hole where the tooth had been filled with blood. It's the only time in her life my mum has fainted.

Had four taken out because of crowding for braces. The extraction was painful and shocking. If it were due to decay I'd be pissed my parents allowed it to get that bad! I specifically recall one of the many injections made me cry so much and I sobbed the whole way home in the car with mum repeating "I know darling but it's over now".

I am one of the people for whom dental anaesthesia doesn't work as effectively as it does for others. I recently had to have a tooth fixed because of grinding, and it took 4x the usual dose of anaesthetic to get me to the point of not being able to feel every bit of what the dentist was doing.

And for context, I have a ridiculously high pain threshold (have recovered from mastectomy, chemo, radiation, broken arm in 6 places requiring pinning and a complete knee replacement) and all without the benefit of opioid pain killers as I'm allergic.

So there is a possibility that your child may not respond to the anaesthetic, meaning that she will need an increased dose. Definitely worth exploring with the dentist.

I had a lot of dental work done in my teens and my parents weren't even in the room. I don't recall it being such a drama, and I suspect your DD would have been better left alone.

OP I wonder if you (and your kids?) have nerves in slightly unusual locations, that means going properly numb takes a more careful approach?

Apparently, I have this. I also process local anaesthetic very quickly as a type 1 diabetic, so -flail my arm in panic- politely speak up at the first slight warning twinge of any pain creeping in, so the dentist can top me up. So I'm sure a bunch of other variables can make the anaesthetic wear off quicker than is expected too.

Could you discuss at the next appointment and make sure the dentist will agree to stop if any pain is felt? And make sure things are completely numb before starting?

to you and your daughter because it sounds like a horrible experience for you both.

I felt muderous towards a practice nurse at my GPs when she was giving DD1 vaccinations as a baby. She had to have two injections and instead of doing them quickly one after the other to get it over with and minimise the upset, the nurse took her sweet time dithering about like an idiot and just as DDs hysteria started to subside slightly after the first, she jabbed her again and my poor baby lost it. I couldn't speak to the nurse as I was afraid I'd scream at her. I always made sure to ask for the other (competent) nurse for any future vaccinations for the DC and still get irrationally angry when I see that nurse five years on! So in short YANBU, it's a very natural maternal instinct.

OP - I think you were just looking for an echo chamber so AIBU wasn’t the place for you. You’re dismissing anyone who disagrees and focussing on those who agree as proof that YANBU. To be honest, even your posting style is a bit OTT (multiple responses to the same post, repeating the same stories, etc), but maybe that was the wine?

You seem very highly strung and perhaps your kids would benefit if you tried to relax a bit. I agree with PP that your anxiety probably rubbed off on your child making the experience worse for them.

It sounds like you worked up a tooth extraction into a huge drama. Making it about your own "base emotions" is really OTT.

Your daughter was probably feeding off your emotions too.

You probably should have just stayed out of the room and let the dentist and nurse do what they needed to without it being such a big deal.

Hopefully none of your kids will experience the pain `I watched my youngest go through today. But don’t belittle her pain

You said you have severe anxiety about dentists, and pain and psychology are massively interlinked. The more we are worried about pain, the stronger and more intense it is likely to feel when we experience it, and the more difficult we will find it to cope with it.

I believe that your daughter did go through some pain, but the actual pain may not in reality half as bad as you are imagining. It might have been less traumatic without your anxiety and you getting worked up about it (which undoubtedly would have rubbed off on your daughter).

Your daughter was probably in a state of heightened anxiety because of how you respond to dentists, and the build up to the appointment - no matter how much you tried not to let that rub off on her, it will have done.

Some of that would have been beyond your control and not your fault, but you just need to think about this experience and how it could have been better for your daughter. I know you say you normally get your partner to take the kids to the dentist which I think is really sensible given your anxiety.

I really think your own anxiety played a massive part in this and it would have been better if you just left her to go in on her own. That really would have been the second best option to your partner taking her. You shouldn't have been in the room, really.

One of the hardest things as a parent is trying to ensure that out anxiety about a situation isn’t allowed to impact negatively on our children. It’s hard but it’s the least we owe them.

I have been through many many different medical procedures with DS where I have done my best swan impression - nice and calm on the outside but frantically paddling away “under the water” to keep there!

It’s horrible but we can’t add more to the problem!