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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these comments are unsupportive?

49 replies

Pompoms1 · 03/08/2021 21:32

Would welcome some unbiased opinions on this.

Person A - needs to lose weight. (This is not in dispute). They are seeking MH support for this due to a previous eating disorder. They have bought some dresses to slim into as an incentive as they can get too focused on the scales.

Person B - lives with A and says they are very concerned about person A and thinks they’re damaging their health. Likes to know daily how the diet is going, whether they’ve ‘given up’ already as they noticed them eating X or Y, tell them it’s a shame they’ve wasted a day if they’ve eaten something person B calls ‘grot food.’ They know this type of thing doesn’t help A but claims they’re too worried about A to not do these things. They see it as ‘helping’ and say they do it because they care.

Person B has today asked A if they were planning to send their new dresses back as they’re obviously not doing anything about losing weight and won’t fit into them. Hmm

AIBU to think this is unsupportive? Person A and B live together, how can A handle B better as B isn’t listening to her when she says it’s not helping.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2021 21:35

Why bother with A and B? You think he’s being a dick, just say so. You’re right.

JaffaRaf · 03/08/2021 21:38

What does person A want person B to say instead? And is A actually putting effort in to loosing weight or is B trying to do a gentle push because A isn’t making the effort? It’s hard to tell without knowing what A is doing really. Sounds like the pair need to have a sit down talk about it all though to resolve it.

Macncheeseballs · 03/08/2021 21:40

I always get confused with labelling people with letters

PurpleDaisies · 03/08/2021 21:41

It’s pretty obvious which one you are.

You should give your partner a list of actually supportive things to say or tell them not to bring up the diet at all. Constantly being asked if you’ve given up must be infuriating.

Poptart4 · 03/08/2021 21:45

I can see both sides tbh.

B is coming across as a dick but if A is constantly moaning about their weight and doing nothing about it, I can see why B gets frustrated.

A frank conversation needs to be had. It sounds like you both need to get afew things off your chest.

YeokensYegg · 03/08/2021 21:47

Tell him you're not dieting anymore so he'll leave you alone then keep on with it.
I find it's best to keep dieting to myself as people can be really weird and intrusive about it.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 03/08/2021 21:48

Maybe your oh person B likes you fat and wants to keep you that way. Saying days are wasted and making fun of you is going to make you feel helpless and eat more.

Does person B criticise you for other things or just eating?

Palavah · 03/08/2021 21:51

Person B neess to shut the fuck up. Person A needs to be aware that, especially if there's a history of ED, it's not simply a case of willpower. You need to break the emotional connection with food.

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 21:51

On the whole, even if the good intentions are their, the words and effect would be counted productive, and from another perspective if the other person does say x about exceeding and losing the weight and yet e.g. Cookies, then I can understand the frustration from the other partie, however the wording is still counter productive and different avenues of encouragement and support need to be discussed.

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 21:52

counter, exercising

thistimelastweek · 03/08/2021 21:55

I think I've read about persons A & B before when Person A got chocolate at the end of term.

Loads of advice given then.

Hankunamatata · 03/08/2021 21:55

So husband commenting on wife diet?

GreyEyedWitch · 03/08/2021 23:38

It depends how much A has been leaning on B during their weight loss journey. If they've been going on and on about how big they are and how they really want to change and B has been providing support and become invested, then I can see how it would be irritating to come home to A binging on a tonne of food. It doesn't make B right, but I would find ot annoying if I was B.

Why don't you just tell B that you're not going to be talking about weight loss anymore and focus on your own journey? You could even say that you've returned the dresses to get them off your back.

LimeRedBanana · 03/08/2021 23:44

It’s clear you’re person A.

I don’t know what to suggest, as clearly your DH/DP is being so monumentally unhelpful as to gave the opposite effect of his intention.

Short of LTB, maybe a personality transplant?

MySecretHistory · 03/08/2021 23:47

Send them back
No/one ever slims into dresses and if they do the season will be wrong
Buy new dresses that fit

MySecretHistory · 03/08/2021 23:47

Do the fast 800

Notimeforaname · 03/08/2021 23:53

Tell them to fuck off commenting on your life and eating habits

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 23:56

@Notimeforaname

Tell them to fuck off commenting on your life and eating habits
This. This. And.....THIS.Flowers
Trampolean · 03/08/2021 23:58

@GreyEyedWitch

It depends how much A has been leaning on B during their weight loss journey. If they've been going on and on about how big they are and how they really want to change and B has been providing support and become invested, then I can see how it would be irritating to come home to A binging on a tonne of food. It doesn't make B right, but I would find ot annoying if I was B.

Why don't you just tell B that you're not going to be talking about weight loss anymore and focus on your own journey? You could even say that you've returned the dresses to get them off your back.

Yeah I agree with this.
greenlynx · 04/08/2021 00:07

I actually disagree that no one slims into dresses. Person A should use incentives which work for her. Has someone gone hungry for a week because she’s bought this dress? No? She can do as she pleases.
Person B is wrong and overstepped the mark he was clearly told that it’s not helpful.
Do you need his help in this issue or do you want him shut up OP?

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 04/08/2021 00:27

B is a knobber. That is all.

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 00:30

@MySecretHistory

Send them back No/one ever slims into dresses and if they do the season will be wrong Buy new dresses that fit
I actually agree with this. How many dresses did you buy?
Chloemol · 04/08/2021 01:30

Just tell B to shut up, when he starts, say shut up and walk away,or say thanks for not being supportive, or stop with the negative comment

A just needs to carry on as they are and slowly lose the weight

5475878237NC · 04/08/2021 05:18

What should B say instead? B is, I assume, seeing behaviour that has previously kept A stuck and unhappy.

Wolframhart · 04/08/2021 05:27

Person b should realize that in addition to not being supportive, it’s counterproductive to long term weight loss success to aim for perfection in dieting.