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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family visits and gifts

33 replies

Oh2no · 03/08/2021 15:34

Help. Not so much AIBU as WIBU.
A few years ago I used to visit my sis/BIL quite frequently for weekends (maybe 5 or 6 times a year). I would take a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates and some sweets for their boys. If we went out I’d buy the ice creams etc. Mainly we stayed in and BIL would cook lovely BBQs (lots of meat, salad, wine etc). Anyway 4 years ago we all fell out over a different matter and do not speak at all 🥲🥲 my DM told me today that BIL used to say they liked me staying but I only ever brought a bottle of wine. I am mortified. Clearly I should have contributed to the food. I feel so bad and miserable. WSID? If I send a case of wine now will that be seen as passive aggressive? We were all so close, they always invited me. WWYD?

OP posts:
MySecretHistory · 03/08/2021 15:35

I think that your mother is a shit stirrer who probably makes things up to create drama

Waspsarearseholes · 03/08/2021 15:36

Do nothing. If they were that offended they wouldn't keep inviting you or could have simply asked you to contribute towards the food.

FionnulaTheCooler · 03/08/2021 15:38

If you're not speaking then yes sending a case of wine now would be a bad idea, it will come across as a passive aggressive dig. If they were inviting you I would expect them to feed you, it sounds like the gifts you took at the time were plenty.

caringcarer · 03/08/2021 15:41

If you would like to make up with them and it sounds as if you do, sending a crate of wine and offer an apology for whatever you fell out about, even sorry we upset you and would love to make up, might make a difference. Even if it fails you will know you have done all you can.

NeedNewKnees · 03/08/2021 15:45

You were definitely on the cheapskate side of things if you never reciprocated hosting them ands you brought one bottle of wine in return for a whole weekend of meals and drinks.

However, if it was 'impoverished student younger sibling' type thing, it's fine. If you were similarly well off, I'd expect you to spring for the occasional takeaway etc.

No point worrying about it now, though, and your Mum shouldn't be stirring.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/08/2021 15:51

As above. Completely depends on the circumstances. Could be seen as you not contributing enough to the weekends quite easily but depends on ages, financial situations etc.

I agree your mum shouldn't have told you.

I also agree that it is too late to send a case of wine. That ship has sailed.

I hope you all manage to make it up in the future Sad.

MaggieFS · 03/08/2021 15:54

Leave it. If the falling out was a truly separate matter, there's no point venturing over this again.

Meraas · 03/08/2021 15:58

I would take a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates and some sweets for their boys.

This is more than plenty!

If they wanted a contribution to the food the onus is on them as the hosts to speak up.

Can you tell us why you fell out?

Original poster
Oh2no · 03/08/2021 18:15

Thank you for your comments. Non of us were/are impoverished. I offered to host on many occasions but they felt my house was too small to come and stay. They live in the country, no takeaways available, but I have paid restaurant bills for us all on a few occasions. BIL is a bit of an alcoholic (at least 2 bottles of wine to himself a night type guy). I should have taken puddings, don’t know why I didn’t think of that at the time 😳

OP posts:
S0upertrooper · 04/08/2021 02:36

You could be my SIL. We'd host her and she'd come empty handed and then pop over to the shop to buy a bottle of wine and snacks which she would promptly consume.

We stopped hosting her (she was also a complete PITA) and then were criticised for stopping, interrogating her, not helping her move house (we've moved more times than we've had hot dinners and she never offered to help) Totally NC with her now which is no loss. Would I accept SIL's apology now? No because I just know it wouldn't be heartfelt.

Should you apologise for being thoughtless? I think if your relationship ever recovers, you should discuss it with them but I don't think it would be wise while you are NC. Your DM is shit stirring.

Catflapkitkat · 04/08/2021 03:17

I don't think a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates (assuming you bought all of those things) and sweets for the kids is being a cheapskate. I would be delighted if houseguests turned up with that - especially if they bought ice creams and take-aways too.

If you are still not talking, then sending wine in retrospect is not a good idea. I agree with the others, what was your mother hoping to achieve by telling what he had said.

milian · 04/08/2021 03:23

I wouldn’t expect more than what you brought from a family member! If you’re NC now then nothing you can do but I don’t think you were in the wrong on this particularly.

LimeRedBanana · 04/08/2021 03:35

I’m incredibly surprised that you are focusing on rectifying something you did (or didn’t do) in the dim and distant past….

…and not on the surely far more pertinent issue, which is that you have fallen out so badly that you no longer speak. Confused

If you’re trying to fix something, shouldn’t you be trying to fix that?

Saoirse82 · 04/08/2021 03:41

Sounds like you brought plenty. Some people are just plain fucking weird and keep score of these things. If I'm hosting guests I expect to feed them and provide alcohol and I've never even noticed what people being or don't bring. Possibly they are just being arsey because you have fallen out, stop beating yourself up, I'd have been delighted if you brought those gifts to my house but it wouldn't be expected either.

Lemonsandlemonade · 04/08/2021 04:10

To be honest for me you brought plenty if I’ve offered to host I’m hosting and providing the food and drink. The only exception is if you want something to drink then I say bring it yourself.

S0upertrooper · 04/08/2021 04:17

@Oh2no apologies, I think I've been harsh on you and shouldn't have compared you to my SIL. I still think your DM is causing unnecessary agro.

LunaMay · 04/08/2021 04:25

I think that's fine for family guest especially if you've picked up restaurant bills and contributed when out with the ice creams etc.

If they wanted more contributions towards food they should have said something or scaled back on what they prepared. I don't ask family to contribute to everyday meals, that's part of hosting to me. Also if it's just 1 person how much extra is it really putting them out for a bbq...

Darker · 04/08/2021 05:06

my DM told me today that BIL used to say they liked me staying but I only ever brought a bottle of wine.

BIL is a bit of an alcoholic (at least 2 bottles of wine to himself a night type guy)

I suspect these two statements are connected.

lifehappened · 04/08/2021 05:17

What a shit host. People host as they enjoy company not the fucking gifts. Those saying she was a cheapskate .... LOL only here 😂😂😂😂

Dancedancedancedancedance · 04/08/2021 05:36

You did nothing wrong re brought gifts.

Why did you all fall out?

BetsyBigNose · 04/08/2021 05:54

I voted YABU because I think that buying a case of wine to send now would be the wrong thing to do, but I don't think YWBU by taking the gifts you took with you, when you visited - it's pretty much what I take when we visit my DSis and BIL.

I think it's worth examining why your immediate response to hearing this from your DM is to send your DSis such an over the top gift. Why did you fall out, do you feel guilty about it? If this situation was the other way around, what would you have "expected" to receive, as the hosts?

If your DS's opinion of you is still this important to you, 4 years after you've fallen out, it's clear that you still feel that the relationship holds some value. Unless the reason why you're not talking really is something unforgiveable, perhaps now is the time to bury the hatchet, and then you can take her a crate of wine, which you can help her drink while you catch up on those missed years.

phoenixrosehere · 04/08/2021 06:37

YANBU.

Why your mother told you that years after the fact is strange.

From what you’ve posted, on that front, sounds like your BIL was the issue. For some reason or another, he expected you to bring more for —him— them than your nephews despite you bringing gifts and paying for other things during visits.

Why did you fall out four years ago?

Standrewsschool · 04/08/2021 07:18

I would take the same as you - wine, chocolates etc. Maybe if I knew we were having a barbecue, then I would offer to bring some meat.

I don’t think you’re a cheapskate at all. If I was a host, I wouldn’t expect a financial contribution.

Standrewsschool · 04/08/2021 07:19

I wouldn’t send wine now, unless it was to apologise for the fallout and a gesture to get things moving again.

Elouera · 04/08/2021 07:37

If your visits were infrequent, what you brought is fine. If you were staying 5-6x a year, the whole weekend and having BBQ's, I would have at least offered to bring steaks, sausages or something for the BBQ!

I agree- why did your mother bother bringing this up and causing the anxiety? Sending a box of wine now is such a weird idea given the circumstances!!! Confused Of all things! NO, don't do it. If anything, send a card with an apology or whatever the fall out was about.