Family visits and gifts

[Oh2no]

Help. Not so much AIBU as WIBU.
A few years ago I used to visit my sis/BIL quite frequently for weekends (maybe 5 or 6 times a year). I would take a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates and some sweets for their boys. If we went out I’d buy the ice creams etc. Mainly we stayed in and BIL would cook lovely BBQs (lots of meat, salad, wine etc). Anyway 4 years ago we all fell out over a different matter and do not speak at all 🥲🥲 my DM told me today that BIL used to say they liked me staying but I only ever brought a bottle of wine. I am mortified. Clearly I should have contributed to the food. I feel so bad and miserable. WSID? If I send a case of wine now will that be seen as passive aggressive? We were all so close, they always invited me. WWYD?

Your mum is being nasty by shit stirring. Why would she do that??? .

I think what you took would be ok for the very occasional weekend but if I was going more then, if it was me, I would have contributed a lot more but it would depend on circumstances.
Did you help out much when you were there with the cooking and cleaning up.
Also how long were the weekends? One night is very different to two or three nights...

This is ridiculous! You were one person and they are a family! Of course you contributed enough! Ignore your DM she is stirring the proverbial.

It sounds like you miss them though - could you reach out to them and see if you can build some bridges?

Why would your mum tell you that? Does she love drama?

It's over now. He's your brother and presumably they would have said at the time 'we are having a barbecue on Saturday if you would like to come. Can you bring some pudding?' This has all become an issue because you have all fallen out.

I would concentrate on trying to reconcile as it sounds like you would like to. But don't go over old ground. And definitely don't involve your mother.

I agree with a lot of posters saying i would be happy with your contributions if i were hosting you. You offered to host them as well. Perhaps he has said this to your DM off the back off your fall out and helping him justify being mad at you.

If you feel like you would like to make any sort of gesture to them then why not? If they take it as anything other than the way that is intended then there's not much you can do about that but i doubt it would make things worse (although i guess this depends on circumstances and personalities involved). Sounds like you might want to start.building bridges though.

I think the last thing your alcoholic BIL needs is a case of wine. But that’s slightly off the point.

It's seems just about ok. In my case due to space and me having the kids I always hosted my brothers, they would bring wine, beer, very generous at Christmas/birthdays with the kids and always insisted on splitting bill despite us obviously spending more. To be honest they would have cooked if I asked but I'm a bit of a primadonna in the kitchen department and neither of them cook very well!

You fell out four years ago, so these weekends at their house was more than four years ago… Is that right? I don’t understand why your mum has brought this up now – telling you this is not ever going to make you feel good, is it? She must know that. If they had wanted you to contribute more at the time, then surely they wouldn’t have kept on inviting you so many times? You made the effort to visit them, and took plenty of gifts with you. You paid for meals out. I think you did enough. We often host at our house, because it is easier for us. I certainly wouldn’t be sending gifts now: It could be seen as a passive aggressive act, or it could also be seen as you accepting that you have been in the wrong regarding the fall out. Is your mum trying to make you feel bad? Does she want you to make up with them? I think she should probably stay out of it.

You would have been fine with me, especially if I invited you.