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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell partner I'm pregnant or wait

40 replies

beetuljoos · 03/08/2021 14:22

In a loving, committed relationship. Found out I'm pregnant. Timing is a bit rubbish because we don't live together due to work committments (work in cities too far to commute from where the other lives) but planning to this time next year, but otherwise it's not bad news (for me anyway). DP will be really stressed about it initially, it's just how he is, he likes every detail to be planned and prepared for. We were using condoms but there must have been a micro-tear or something, I don't know, but anyway we never had any 'oh let's not bother' moments so he was as careful as he could be.

Anyway, termination isn't the way I want to go, although I think he'd initially lean that way. I know he'll be fine with it long term but my dilemma is this: We're going on holiday on Thursday for a week and I know he needs that much needed rest from a very stressful job. Do I wait to tell him until after (and come up with some excuse for not drinking) or share the news and potentially stress him out over the time away. Selfishly, I'd quite like to tell him, but I feel it could be kinder to allow him another week of ignorant bliss. WWYD?

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 03/08/2021 14:26

Congrats on your news? Firstly, how do you feel about it? Happy and excited? It’s a real shame from your post that your instinct is that your pat we won’t feel the same

If you can’t tell you’re partner you’re pregnant without worrying about his reaction or placating him about it / prepping he is going to suggest abortion then I’m going to say you’re not in a good, healthy relationship - I hope I’m way off the mark but you’re stressing about his reaction

Iwonder08 · 03/08/2021 14:46

I would tell him before the holiday, like today. You will be worried about his reaction during holiday and debating if you should tell him. Might as well get it out of the way. Perhaps he might be more relaxed and less stressed during holiday and it will help him to reassess the situation

AryaStarkWolf · 03/08/2021 14:49

I would tell him, might be best for him to wrap his head around/talk it out while he's off work and you're both together.

Also congrats to you

Elbie79 · 03/08/2021 14:51

When you eventually tell him he'll realise why you weren't drinking on holiday and feel deceived. In your circumstances I would tell him immediately you know ie right now.

UrAWizHarry · 03/08/2021 14:52

You have to tell him, surely he'd be upset by you not sharing the news?

TheDailyCarbunkle · 03/08/2021 14:52

Tell him straight away. Your reasons to keep it secret are kind, but they're misguided - this is the sort of news someone should know asap. You never know, he might be delighted.

AffableApple · 03/08/2021 14:53

Tell him on the holiday. Right at the beginning. When he's disentangled from work stresses etc. and you can both have a discussion with clear heads. If he can't react properly in those circumstances, you'll have your answer, and the path forward will be clear to you. Best of luck, OP.

OwlBasket · 03/08/2021 14:53

Yes, you need to tell him ASAP. Preferably today. I guess you’ll not be seeing each other face to face for the next few days because of work. Don’t wait because of that.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 03/08/2021 14:58

If you're anything like me, you'd normally be fancying a drink or two on holiday. If you don't tell him before holiday, he may well guess if you decline alcohol - might lead to even more stress than if you told him now?

Congratulations on the pregnancy! I hope whenever you decide to tell him it is well-received.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/08/2021 14:59

Tell him. I couldn't hold something that big back and I'd find it worrying if my partner could hold it back from me.

GingerFigs · 03/08/2021 15:00

Think I'd wait and tell him face to face at least, rather than on the phone (if you're apart just now). His reaction which you'll be able to see for yourself in real life technicolour might tell you a lot.

I'd definitely tell him before hols or at the very start of your holiday (once he's away from work and less stressed). Don't wait until you're home as he will feel deceived and being away might give you as a couple time to talk and wrap your heads around it.

Fieldsofstars · 03/08/2021 15:02

I think it’s cruel to not tell him ASAP.
Can you imagine if he knew and you didn’t?

MojoMoon · 03/08/2021 15:02

I'd tell him before you leave.

If he is angry/upset, you may feel trapped on holiday with him where it is harder to walk away if a discussion gets heated.

Hopefully he is a nice, supportive man. But you do need to be careful about your own safety - pregnancy is often a trigger for domestic violence, coercive control etc.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/08/2021 15:05

Tell him before the holiday then if he isn’t happy he has the chance not to go and take some space.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2021 15:05

Definitely tell him. I’ve been in the situation of revealing an unplanned, badly timed pregnancy and saying something straight away was much better and DH (my quite new boyfriend at the time) said he’d rather I’d have told him before taking a test. He’d have been hurt to think I thought I couldn’t tell him. Hopefully your DP is the same and takes it well.

AlmostSummer21 · 03/08/2021 15:08

You need to tell him before your holiday. You won't be able to keep it to yourself and he'll know something is up.

If you know you don't want a termination then tell him in such a way that doesn't lend itself to him suggesting it.

Obviously his initial reaction might not be the best, but give him time to get his head around it.

I'm sorry it's happened in such a way that telling him is nerve wracking not exciting, but Hopefully he'll get his head around it and you can both be excited

FunMcCool · 03/08/2021 15:08

Congratulations! Id be prepared to go forward on my own. It’s concerning that you feel you can’t share this news with your partner. I told my husband straight away every time I’ve been pregnant. Planned and not planned. We’re in a loving relationship… what you’ve described doesn’t sound loving.

ChicChaos · 03/08/2021 15:10

Tell him FFS. I can't imagine a relationship where you didn't even tell him that you thought you might be pregnant before taking the test, never mind if the test was positive.

TedMullins · 03/08/2021 15:12

I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s not a loving or healthy relationship just because OP doesn’t think her partner will be thrilled. Presumably, for her to think he’ll feel that way, they’ve discussed this in the abstract and he’s said he doesn’t want a child right now. He’s entitled to feel that way, especially as this was unplanned. However I agree you need to tell him immediately but be prepared to go it alone if he doesn’t want a kid.

PearPickingPorky · 03/08/2021 15:17

You need to tell him before you go. You won't be "present" on the holiday if you're hiding something this big from him while you're there, it will all be fake (and he'll probably wonder why you're being so weird, even if you think you're doing a good job of acting normal).

Tell him, ASAP. Give him time to process it, and then you can go on holiday and talk about it.

Congratulations.

Candydreamer · 03/08/2021 15:17

I also don't think it's fair to assume OP is in an unhealthy relationship on the basis that her partner might not be over the moon about this, especially considering (and this feels like a rarity on here!) he actually took precautions.

I would tell him now personally. I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself.

Azerothi · 03/08/2021 15:18

You should feel excited to tell your boyfriend, not trying to keep it from him. It's not about being kind by keeping it from him though, you are making the news of your pregnancy sound really bad.

Your boyfriend must surely know that having sex can lead to pregnancy?

azimuth299 · 03/08/2021 15:27

I don't think OP is necessarily in a bad relationship because she thinks her partner won't be pleased that they have an unplanned pregnancy. She might know that he won't be pleased based on previous conversations, that doesn't mean that he isn't a good partner or won't be a good father when the shock wears off.

OP I would tell him though! It's a plaster that has to be pulled off eventually, you might as well get it over and done with rather than having it hanging over you. The timing might be quite good, as you can have some quality time and heart to hearts on your holiday, and hopefully make some plans.

Congratulations by the way!

Original poster

beetuljoos · 03/08/2021 16:00

Thanks for all the replies!

I'm not in a bad relationship- DP is amazing and will be fully supportive but he's an overthinker and this wasn't the plan and it will inevitably stress him out for a little bit whilst he gets his head around it.

I don't like keeping anything from him and want to share anything but worried sharing might be selfish.

OP posts:

jevoudrais · 03/08/2021 16:01

Congrats! Definitely share. He might surprise you. Holiday is a good chance for talking and headspace if he needs it.

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