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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell partner I'm pregnant or wait

40 replies

beetuljoos · 03/08/2021 14:22

In a loving, committed relationship. Found out I'm pregnant. Timing is a bit rubbish because we don't live together due to work committments (work in cities too far to commute from where the other lives) but planning to this time next year, but otherwise it's not bad news (for me anyway). DP will be really stressed about it initially, it's just how he is, he likes every detail to be planned and prepared for. We were using condoms but there must have been a micro-tear or something, I don't know, but anyway we never had any 'oh let's not bother' moments so he was as careful as he could be.

Anyway, termination isn't the way I want to go, although I think he'd initially lean that way. I know he'll be fine with it long term but my dilemma is this: We're going on holiday on Thursday for a week and I know he needs that much needed rest from a very stressful job. Do I wait to tell him until after (and come up with some excuse for not drinking) or share the news and potentially stress him out over the time away. Selfishly, I'd quite like to tell him, but I feel it could be kinder to allow him another week of ignorant bliss. WWYD?

OP posts:

KingdomScrolls · 03/08/2021 16:03

Not sharing is selfish, you're not treating him as an adult or giving him all the information to be able to process in his own way, while he doesn't have to think about work and other things. You're also predicting his reaction and might be wrong.

Hemingwaycat · 03/08/2021 16:04

Definitely tell him. He will realise something is wrong when you’re holiday because you won’t be drinking and you’ll probably act like something is on your mind (because it is!). He will be upset you didn’t tell him straight away.

ladycarlotta · 03/08/2021 16:35

Definitely tell him. You can't spend a week deceiving him, that would be awful; and a holiday is at least good time out of 'real life' to do some processing.

I was hesitant to tell my partner I was pregnant when we were living together but not trying, and thought perhaps I wouldn't tell him for a while. Probably luckily for me, I don't have a poker face and he knew something was up immediately. He handled it way better than I expected, even though he's usually a stresshead: he was more chill about it than I was, for sure. Yours might surprise you too. Congratulations and good luck!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2021 17:11

Tell him now!!! He has a right to know. And if you start fibbing about things or being dishonest you will lose his trust and rightly so.

NeedNewKnees · 03/08/2021 17:21

You can't possibly keep a secret of that magnitude when on holiday with him! You'll be taking supplements, avoiding alcohol and some foods, and thinking about it all the time.

Tell him now. He deserves your honesty.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/08/2021 17:29

I would tell him straightaway, because the basis for my marriage has always been that the two of us are partners, are a team, and anything that affects us both we address together. Nothing could concern you both more intimately than a pregnancy. So I would tell him immediately, so that both of us could start approaching it together, and because that's what I'd want him to do for me. Also it would ruin the holiday anyway if I were hiding something so big from him. The foundation of a relationship is being honest with each other.

bluebeck · 03/08/2021 17:31

I would tell him whilst you are away.

Congratulations

Guineapigbridge · 03/08/2021 18:53

Yes, tell him. You might want to mention that you see marriage as a precursor to raising a child together (if you do, indeed, see it that way). Because there's no time like the present to get all those big conversations out of the way.

Skysblue · 03/08/2021 22:15

Congratulations!

Keeping it from him would be stressful for you - and the baby. Stress is bad for pregnancy. You need to stop putting him first and start putting the baby first. Do whatever makes you feel calmer.

I could never keep a secret like that from DH, not for 5 minutes.

RaginaPhalange · 03/08/2021 22:20

I would tell him before you go on holiday. By the sounds of it he's going to stress about it anyway so you might as well just rip the band aid off. Having time off together to discuss it would be better too, he would have time to come to terms with it before going back to work.

Congratulations

FortniteBoysMum · 03/08/2021 22:32

If your unsure on how he will react I would go for option c. Say your feeling a bit off whilst on holiday. Take a test while there and pretend to be shocked. Fact is if you hide it from him he will be upset you did not tell him sooner. You can't hold off on it and should morning sickness kick in whilst away it will be obvious.

NoMoreCovidPlease · 03/08/2021 22:35

You think sharing might be selfish??? You need to adjust your thinking, you should not have to manage his emotions. He needs to manage his own emotions, he's a grown adult. Also, you are pregnant. You are carrying a real life human baby, he should be worrying about you not the other way around!!!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/08/2021 22:40

I think telling him when he has a bit of space from work to actually think about it properly, is the best thing. If it was me I would look back on the holiday knowing you were keeping something from me, and be pissed off I had to deal with it as well as all the work that has piled up after a holiday.

Also I found out I was pregnant after about 4 weeks+ 3 days and felt great. By 5 weeks I was starving hungry and having to wake up to eat in the night.

SummerInSun · 03/08/2021 23:41

I understand where you are coming from, as I also have a DH who overthinks. Even though we were trying to convince with each of our DC, he still had a mini "how will we afford it? How will we make our lives work?" freak out each time I got pregnant. Great dad nonetheless.

I agree with all the PP who say you should tell him now. Yes, it probably will mean he'll be stressed on holiday, which is a shame, but as PP have said, it will be worse for trust in your relationship long term when he realises you kept this from him (albeit with the best of motives). With an overthinking DP, he'll then always be worrying in the future that you've got some news to upset him that you are holding back. By saving his holiday now, you are potentially ruining all the future holidays with "what is she not telling me yet for fear of upsetting me?" worries.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2021 23:48

You think sharing might be selfish??? You need to adjust your thinking, you should not have to manage his emotions. He needs to manage his own emotions, he's a grown adult

Spot on.

Hope all goes well, but you need to tell him.

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