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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be massively pissed off

36 replies

doolallysplot · 02/08/2021 21:28

Maybe I'm just tired from lack of sleep and am overreacting, but I need unbiased opinions.

For context DH and I have DD who is 2 and since she was born, I haven't had any girls days/nights and DH and I have had one day date. DH has been on a few days/nights out which is totally fair but it's always a given that he can go and I'll be with DD (obviously as her mother I should be and am happy to be but due to his working days/hours, it's very difficult for me to go out unless I find someone else to watch DD, which is why I haven't been).

Anyway to the point, I saw an event on locally which was miraculously on on the one day of the week that DH and I are off together and my DM can watch DD. I got really excited and thought it would be so much fun for us to go together as we never do anything anymore and it would be so nice to have the time as just us.

Unfortunately for me DH is very close to my MIL and immediately wanted to invite her, then when I checked the date it turned out it was on her birthday, in his eyes, perfect as he wanted her to come anyway. In my eyes I was gutted as I wanted it to be the two of us, we've had one date in 2 years! Especially if I was going to have DM watch DD for the day, it seemed wasted if more family were going to come along.

I chose to bite my tongue, understanding that it's her birthday so I can understand him wanting to be with her. However as we've gone to book tickets, it turns out you must show proof that you are double jabbed to attend (makes total sense and is very fair) the problem is, I've had my first jab but my second isn't due for a couple of weeks, we are TTC and by the time it's due, I'll be in the 2WW so I was planning on deferring it until aftet I test, if I did get a bfp (if only!) then I was planning on waiting until I reached the 12 week mark to get the second jab just to be safe.

Either way, tickets need to be booked asap as are they are selling out, DH didn't even want the jab until I convinced him, he is going to phone to book his next jab asap and has said if I'm not going to book my next jab before the tickets are bought then I obviously can't go but he'll still go with MIL.

Aibu to be gutted and massively annoyed that what was originally my idea for something for the two of us has been turned into a birthday event for MIL that I can't even go to now?

Fully recognise I sound like a tantruming toddler but I feel like I always miss out on everything as it's always me who stays at home with DD while DH goes to events and nights out.

Wow that was longer than I anticipated, thank you if you read this far!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 21:46

Dh sounds pretty selfish
Why can’t he look after your baby whilst you go out with your friends?
You need to start speaking up for yourself more, tell him you wanted a date with him not him and Mil and go somewhere else if you can’t go to this place

If he’s not parenting much now then are you sure about having another baby with him?

HumdrumGuga · 02/08/2021 21:50

If he's got time for days and nights out he's got time to have DD while you go out, surely?

Notimeforaname · 02/08/2021 21:59

Well he has shown he doesn't prioritise alone time with you(or even seem interested)So why should you? You need some days /nights our by yourself/with friends. Like he has.

Notimeforaname · 02/08/2021 22:00

Out*

Original poster

doolallysplot · 02/08/2021 22:01

Thanks for the replies. DH is a great dad to be fair to him, he has DD on certain days that I work and I have her when he works etc, hence how we only have one day a week together. We also split responsibilities, i.e we each do two nights on, two nights off with night shifts (DD still wakes a few times during the night). He's always been very involved so no parenting issues at all, also his nights/days out have amounted to maybe 4 in the past year so I can't really complain (though still am!) but I find it so annoyibg as his job doesn't have a set finish time so I can't organise to meet my friends in the evenings as I never know of he'll be home in time to watch DD, whereas I start very early so finish early and am home before he finishes work, if he wants an evening out, we know I'll be there to watch DD. His days out have been for more inportant events i.e stags so he has booked leave at those times. He really doesn't go out much at all, it's just this one event that has bothered me (I was already in a bad mood haha) and it's frustrating that it was my idea and now I can't even go

OP posts:

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 22:02

Wtf, he sounds like a complete knob. YANBU to be pissed off at his selfishness.

YABU to accept it's 'fair enough' that he is able to continue a social life yet you are not. Would you like to arrange a day out with friends or do something yourself while he stays at home with DD? Don't let him make excuses as to why he can't.

Summersun2020 · 02/08/2021 22:02

He’s selfish and you’re a pushover.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 22:05

Cross post. He could book a day of leave for you to do something though couldn't he? Or leave on time as a one off?

Yes, I'd be annoyed at the most recent event. You both have a child free day, would he not rather arrange to do a different thing with you? He's ditched you for his mother on the rare chance you have together.

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2021 22:06

Why is his working pattern difficult for you to have a night out? You pick a night he has off and go out yourself. There has to have been some opportunities in 2 years.

Did you even say to dh in the beginning that is was a date?

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 22:07

I'll bet he manages to leave work on time if he has arranged plans.

MorningNinja · 02/08/2021 22:11

I don't see the problem here...you can't go but he and his DM can. Why would you want to stop them?

As for time with your friends/date nights, it sounds like you need to be a bit more proactive in that respect.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 02/08/2021 22:14

I mean this nicely but I think you are overreacting a little... it's annoying, yes, but I think being stuck in the middle of the situation probably makes it seem more serious than it is.
Completely different if it wasn't his mum's birthday but I think perhaps you haven't explicitly said to him the level of detail you've been thinking in. Talk to him, tell him you're annoyed, wipe the slate clean and ask him to arrange something together for another day.
Life with young children can be really intense- cut yourself and him a little slack.

Jurassicparkinajug · 02/08/2021 22:18

I would be really annoyed and disappointed if this happened to me. You need to speak up for yourself, you deserve a night out too. He should agree to do something different that you can also go to. It seems incredibly selfish of him when you were the one that suggested it and arranged for your mum to baby sit.

MIL should not be coming but I get that it's difficult if its her bday. You could all do something together the following day though

TheNewBlack · 02/08/2021 22:21

It’s selfish of him. It was your idea. Somewhere you wanted to go together and he has hijacked it by inviting his mother.

He’s not getting it OP is he? He’s not understanding that you want to spend time alone with him. I think you have no choice but to spell it out very clearly and see how he responds.

However I would prioritise my jab over anything else which would enable me to go…with him…not with MiL.

bongbigboobingbongbing · 02/08/2021 22:25

Oh my god, this would piss me off so much! My DH can be a bit like this with his mummy, they sometimes used to go on little "dates" together to places I'd seen and suggested to him for us (!) although thankfully it's tailed off recently.

I would just tell him very openly how disappointed you are that something you were really looking forward to is now going to be something you miss out on while he takes his mum. He should at least try and make it up to you another time after you've had your double jab.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 22:27

Could his mum use the tickets to go with a friend or partner for her birthday and your husband take you out for a nice day elsewhere? I couldn't imagine my husband or MIL being this obtuse tbh, even if it were her birthday.

Poppins2016 · 02/08/2021 22:34

If your mother is still happy to look after your DD that evening and you can't go to the original event as planned, I'd book a night out with a friend(s)!

I agree with PPs, your DH sounds as though he just doesnt get it. Is it that he's not listening (in which case he's being pretty selfish) or is it that he isn't aware you wanted it to be a date night?

BillyIsMyBunny · 02/08/2021 22:42

YABU. If you can’t go because you’re not vaccinated then that would still be the case regardless of whether he’d invited MIL or not. You can’t go because you’re not double jabbed but that’s not his fault and to stamp your feet and say that because you can’t go he can’t take his mother, on her birthday of all days, is incredibly churlish and selfish.

To be honest it sounds like you’re being a martyr, you’re describing a hands on father who shares childcare 50/50 with you and as far as you’ve said he hasn’t actually stopped you from going out with friends at all? Moreover he’s only been out 4 times in the last year, it’s not like he’s out partying every weekend? Have you actually tried to organise a night out or asked him to have DD in the evening and met resistance or are you just being ‘poor me’ about this situation even though truthfully you’ve not tried to arrange any social events for yourself?

Supersimkin2 · 02/08/2021 22:45

Go out with your mates that night.

Ileflottante · 02/08/2021 23:05

Ugh gross, a selfish mummy’s boy. 🤮

user9953279 · 02/08/2021 23:15

How old are you and DH

TheNewBlack · 03/08/2021 06:59

@bongbigboobingbongbing Oh wow! ‘Dates’ with his mum to places you’d talked about going with him yourself!

Glad it has tailed off a bit and hope it tails off some more!

itsgettingwierd · 03/08/2021 07:06

You need to lay it on the line.

Tell him there are 2 people in your marriage. That you should be his priority and if he won't change what you do that day to something you can both so you won't be TTC #2 with him.

Hekatestorch · 03/08/2021 07:09

whereas I start very early so finish early and am home before he finishes work, if he wants an evening out, we know I'll be there to watch DD

That makes no sense.

You don't know when he will finish for you to make plans on an evening.

But he can make plans on a evening, so must know an approx time he is finishing those evenings.

pelosi · 03/08/2021 07:10

YANBU, sounds gutting.

Tell DH that he was wrong to invite MIL and start booking more stuff for you to do (with your friends).

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