Am I being unreasonable in suggesting meeting up with my friend before they move?

[PamelaR85]

Hey all,

I am chatting to a friend talking about meeting up - we send messages once every month or so, as both quite introverted! (I particularly am super-introverted and have social anxiety!)

I recently got back to their last message where they said it'd be great to meet up (they sent it to me at the start of May) and they said that they are moving cities for a year at the start of September. This will mean that will be much further away, so not sure if a meeting could be arranged as easy after this.

Was thinking of replying now talking generally as I do in the message, and maybe ending suggesting that it would be great to meet up one weekend before September (if they can make it), but no worries whatsoever if they can't.

Basically, I want to get the tone across that it would still be great to see them, but totally understand that they are prons quite busy and don't want to pressure for a meeting before they move.

Was thinking of ending my message along the lines of:

"I know I'll be around, and can get to, [city name] most weekends this month just not the 15th, as I am in Greece then!), so if you're free and not too busy getting ready to move (gosh, that must be stressful...) it'd be great to meet before you go"
Does this set the right tone? Thanks so much for any advice - I am terrible when it comes to writing messages, as I get so anxious about the wording!

Vote:

Am I being unreasonable in suggesting meeting up with my friend before they move?

YABU - Yes
YANBU - No

That sounds fine op.

Wonderful, @gracelessladyhottramp. Thanks so much. Really settled my anxieties!

Please get some professional advice for your anxiety.

To wait for three months to reply to a casual invitation is not only rude; it is not normal.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I do think you need to speak to your GP.

It took you 3 months to reply to a text message?

Hi @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - I also have a condition called Aspergers Syndrome which contributes to my anxiety, and causes me difficulties in communication. I really don’t wish to come across as rude and have explained before to my friend personally about my condition and why my replies may be slightly late.

Your message is fine if a bit waffly (I'd take out the bit about the move being stressful). But I agree with PP, if it's taken you three months to reply to their last message, I wouldn't expect them to make a big effort to fit in seeing you before they move.

I think it would be nice for you to meet up, moving changes dynamics. So I would send a message. I would probably ask how they are, you know it’s a stressful time for them but would love to meet up before their move. It’s nice, it does show that you care.
By the way could you offer help with something like wrapping up plates, cup and cutlery or this wouldn’t go down well ? I know it depends on the person. Or you can just meet up for lunch/ dinner in a place convenient for them?

@Sidge

It took you 3 months to reply to a text message?

The OP has explained they have social anxiety.

I do appreciate and understand your condition.

But three months is not 'sightly late' in replying.

Missed the bit that their message was in May, I would add really sorry about the late reply and so on then

Yes what you've suggested is absolutely fine, the only thing I'd say is that it would be good to acknowledge and apologise for leaving it so long.
I wouldn't get massively stressed about it as hopefully she'll understand about your social anxiety, but it is a bit rude and she might be feeling put out so start with:
I'm so sorry I didn't realise I'd left it so long to reply. A meet up would be fab, I'm around x and x dates if you're not too busy?
That should be fine.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have explained to them, and we have kept messing despite that. They get back to me in a similar time frame now - perhaps as to not pressure me into replying instantly to them??

It didn’t take me 3 months to get back to them. I messaged them, they got back to me in a few weeks and then I got back to them after a few more weeks.

I think I would cut out the general chat and just ask if she would like to meet up. After all this time, it does sounds like you aren't really bothered if you just add it on at the end of a message.

The OP has explained they have social anxiety.

So do lots of people, including me. I would still reply to a message within a week or so though.

@Moulesvinrouge1 yeah but social anxiety usually refers to anxiety related to actual social situations. Not replying to a text message.

The OPs recent update suggests that she didn’t actually take 3 months to reply. Not what she said in the original post but hey ho. I understand Aspergers makes social communication difficult but many people with ASD actually prefer communicating by text as it is less pressured than face to face. To leave it weeks and weeks to reply would imply that someone wasn’t that keen to meet.

I have explained to them about my late replies and they know that it is not that I don’t care about our friendship. I actually wrote that explicitly to them!! It really is just introverted nature for me - I need to be in ‘the zone’ to write messages, which has been harder to get into during the COVID times.

Gosh, I have to say I feel like a rubbish friend after reading some of the comments on here...

No votes on the poll (yet) - do people think it’s reasonable still to suggest we still meet up?

???

I get you op, I completely understand.

Just make it simple- you would really love to see them before the move, and are free most of August apart from x to y.

🥰

I need to be in ‘the zone’ to write messages

I do actually understand this and I'm sorry if I came across as being unkind.

I have friends who have perhaps similar conditions to yours, and they often suggest then cancel meeting up, or don't reply for months on end. It's the not replying thing that pisses me off; the rest I can fit around.

Plus COVID...

Is your friend aware of your anxiety?

Perhaps reply acknowledging this, but that you would really like to see them before they move? September is still (almost) a month away.

I hope it works out.

Your message sounds perfectly fine OP and you have explained why it takes you some time to reply to messages which is also absolutely fine and it's definitely not unreasonable to suggest meeting up. Some posters can be quite harsh on AIBU, its really quite mean but it happens a lot on here unfortunately but don't take it to heart, you are not a bad friend you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure your friend will be happy to hear from you.

It sounds as if you have reached a good understanding with your friend about your anxiety and Aspergers. Your message reads well to me. I hope you get to meet up and have a lovely time

Your message is absolutely fine and it sounds as though you and your friend have a good understanding. Don’t overthink it too much and send the message tomorrow. Here’s hoping you have a good catchup soon.