How do you make friends when you are a grown up?

[bluebellonthehill]

Posting for traffic and to pick your lovely brains, Mumsnetters.
I never struggled to make friends when I was younger, however, I am 40 now, I live thousands of miles from where I group up or went to Uni (still keep in touch with some of the old friends but on social media only due to distance).
In the last couple of years, we moved and I changed jobs, then lockdown struck. We live in a detached house semi-rurally (in the UK) so not many people around, all neighbours are older (in their 60-70s). My kids are teens so no longer any social interaction at the school gates or birthday parties to take them to where I can meet other parents. I work full time in a stressful job, not much free time for myself, gym or any hobbies. One hobby that I have is on the creative side and I do it on my own, there are no clubs or societies to meet like-minded people. My team at work are a lovely bunch but they are all in their 20s, young and free, spending their days partying, travelling and shopping, I literally have nothing in common with any of them. I am married to an introvert, my husband is happiest in his own company, he'd rather spend hours gardening, fishing or doing things in solitude than socialising with anyone. We don't frequent the local pub.
I've never felt lonelier in my entire life! How do you make friends once you left school/uni and have older kids whilst working full time in a new area? Or am I doomed for the lifetime of loneliness from now on? This has affected my mental health a great deal and I am normally a sociable, friendly and easy to talk person.
Any words of wisdom? (One of the kids have allergies so cannot get any pets to keep me company)

Do you like swimming?

@FedNlanders

Do you like swimming?

I used to when I had time to go to the gym in the old area, but never found the pool a particularly sociable place - everyone just doing their laps, people didn't even talk in the sauna (I live near London, so it might be that the southerners are not that friendly)

You have to do something where you actually meet people.
Volunteer for something? Join the WI?

Where do you live? Might narrow it down. I'm north west

Volunteer for something! Near me we have things like good gym where you paint fences for people or go litter picking etc and they are really social events.

@Laaaaa

Where do you live? Might narrow it down. I'm north west

South East

It sounds like something needs to give - you can’t live rurally, avoid the local pub, have a solitary hobby, an introverted husband, a stressful full time job, and make new friends (unless you’re incredibly lucky).

Have you tried MeetUps? www.meetup.com/ And also try carving out time for your hobbies... do you do this? It's hard to do with a full time job, a family and a household to run but it can make all the difference. I started making time for my hobby and I'm meeting loads of new people (mostly on Zoom I should say as I started my hobbies since the pandemic). Good luck OP - you sound lovely so sure new friends are out there!

@Beamur

You have to do something where you actually meet people. Volunteer for something? Join the WI?

I work 60h a week (a professional high-pressure job), so no chance to volunteer in the week, I could spare a couple of hours at the weekend but want to spend some time with the kids and family so the balance is tricky

One hobby that I have is on the creative side and I do it on my own, there are no clubs or societies to meet like-minded people.

Could you start one? Like start a local Facebook group for people to share their work, hints and tips and general chat, and see if there’s any interest, and where that takes you.

@orinocosfavoritecake

It sounds like something needs to give - you can’t live rurally, avoid the local pub, have a solitary hobby, an introverted husband, a stressful full time job, and make new friends (unless you’re incredibly lucky).

We do go out to the local pub but as a family for a meal (not very often). Never made friends in the pub in my entire life, even when I was young and free. I used to go out with friends and stay with the group not start mingling with others in the pub.

I was just coming on to recommend meetup but see someone got there before me! I think you do have to have patience and dedicate some time to it though, a lot of meet ups start off fairly superficial and small-talk-y and you won't necessarily 'click' with people and become new BFFs right away (in fact I am naturally a bit suspicious of anyone who suddenly wants to be best friends and go from 0 to 100% overnight, usually those people are a bit odd and may drop you as quick as they picked you up).

I think basically you need to start with fairly low expectations e.g. investing an hour or 2 and having a pleasant chat with people with whom you have at least one thing in common, and it may or may not move on from there. This could be through attending an event or meet-up, trying a new hobby or sport, going to a protest or lecture or other political event, doing something community minded like a litter pick or clean-up, doing something sporty. Some of these may lead to lifelong hobbies or friends, some may be pretty much a bust, some somewhere in the middle but it's only by trial and error you'd get there...

Be really honest with yourself about your interests. Find a club that suits timings you can make and just go along.

Also, join local area Facebook groups - there are loads of people on there with diverse interests.

But trying to shoehorn in a specific interest into a couple of specific hours a week may take a bit of time.

also came to recommend meetup.com I've met loads of new friends through both social and hobby groups on there. It takes a bit of effort to start with but is absolutely worth it.

Join in! Post on local Facebook site asking what activities are around that might suit 40 year old. You'll be surprised - rural areas often have more going on than cities as they need to make their own entertainment.
Theatre Groups, Craft Groups, Sports Groups, Book Clubs, Volunteer Groups and the pub might do things too. You've got to put yourself out there!

I’ve made a few really good friends at various gyms.
Does the local pub have a quiz night? Could you join the village association and tell them you’d only have an hour or two a month but you’d like to help?
How about Women’s Institute?

Also Gardening Clubs, Church Groups - depends where your interest lie

Choirs are good places for meeting people.

Ok whereabouts in South east roughly? There is so much going on and you are very capable of making friends, you just have to go for it.

Neighbours are a good source. They might be sixty or seventy but they can still be friends - even if they don't want to go night -clubbing. The good thing about slightly older neighbours is that most don't work. Ours are forever popping in for a chat. It's nice. Once a few neighbours know your kettle works, you'll find they invite you back to things and you meet other people who might well be younger - sons and daughters etc.

Book clubs are useful and don't generally require a huge time commitment but help forge friendships locally. Some are more serious about their literature and some are just for a gossip really. Ask you local village shop or vicar as they tend to know what's going on in smaller communities. I do two book clubs - one is ages about 35 to 65 (28 members) and the other 50-60 (ten members). If there isn't one set one up.

Outdoor swimming is very friendly on the south coast. Most coastal towns and villages have a group of welcoming assorted shapes and ages of (mainly) women who either swim fully wet-suited and tow floated or who splash around a bit and eat cake.

Go for something else you've never tried. Learn a new craft - do a course and keep in touch.

Join Borrow my dog and walk someone else's dog. Saves problems of allergies, makes friends with owner (who may introduce you to others) and people talk to you when you are out with a dog.

Don't do a class at the gym, invariably the friendships are a bit limited from those. Try maybe a group lesson of some sort - tennis and golf are both very sociable and a group lesson means yo have to talk to others and can arrange out of lesson practice

If you don't have time for yourself, gym or any hobbies then you'll really struggle.

I made a bunch of new friends in my 30s through joining a sort of gym that only runs classes (rather than a 'normal' gym where you do your own thing).

meetup usually has a few things on, even if it's just people meeting up and going for food and drinks etc.

One thought, though, is that if even finding time for a new hobby is obviously going to be a stretch will you actually have the time to nurture a new friendship?
Do you long to meet new people and discover what they're all about or do you miss the easy intimacy of old friends?
Please don't think I am being rude, you sound fantastic and like you'd be great fun to be friends with. You also sound incredibly busy!
This situation of being in our 40's and our old friends are in different parts of the world/country and the other circumstances you mention are incredibly common. Even before the pandemic, loneliness was a very real and growing issue and it effects people of all ages. So even though your colleagues and neighbours are not immediately the demographic you think of as being friends could you maybe start there? I read that having multi generational friends is actually very good for us.
The old advice of hobbies, night class etc still stands but you've already explained that at the moment they are difficult to commit to. So, what about the modern day equivalent and joining some groups on Facebook? It's not something I have personal experience of but I know one work colleague who met his wife that way - they both had joined an FB group for quite a niche interest. I think these groups are also geographically close otherwise it's just the same as the friends you have on here!
Finally, how about either placing an ad (I can hear people cringing 😁 but stick with it a minute please!) It really could work and I guarantee there are many many people in the same boat!
No one blinks an eye at OLD, well I know there's plenty of things wrong with the men, but the actual principal is a good one. It's really hard to make new friends.
I don't know what type of rural idyll you live in but if there's a village or two in reasonable distance could you start a group? Like a pp suggested book clubs are good, supper club or dessert club or you could have a clothes swap party, a woman's group, an art group, a friendship group for professional women who work long hours live almost in the middle of nowhere and are looking for some new friends with no drama!😁

You do sound as if it would be difficult for you to fit in friendships unless they were with people whose schedule matched yours — I know the feeling.

Are you committed to remaining living where you are? I ask because I was miserably lonely living in a village in the midlands for eight years — there were just none of my tribe around at all, despite having a primary school child and putting in time volunteering despite also working FT in a demanding job etc. I moved countries in 2020 and despite lockdown and working exclusively from home, I’ve already made far more friends here than in eight years in our last home. My DS’s friends’ parents, but also people I’ve met in an art gallery and in a restaurant.

Sometimes a person and a place aren’t a good match.

Well the honest answer is one of the reasons I’m not choosing to move area, when I could have a much bigger house elsewhere is so I don’t lose my friendship group! I think you’re right it’s very difficult to make friends in your situation. Was moving compulsory?

Do you do sport? Even 1hr a week doing tennis, cricket, netball means you’ll meet new people

I made lots of new friends through sport, especially team sports, even as a low key member

We moved to be closer to my husband’s parents (mine passed away), they are getting older, few health issues so it was a right thing to do. We have more space where we are now too. However, the lack of social activities and isolation is sucking the life out of me. I used to regularly go to the gym before the lockdown and the house move, but now exercise at home with a fitness app (no gym nearby and the new job which is more demanding and much longer hours than the old one).
There are so few opportunities to meet people organically and even when it happens to get into the establishment friendship circles. Hubby plays golf with a couple of people, I met the wives once or twice, but their kids are different ages (ours older, theirs still toddlers), so the dynamics were very different. I miss the old friends that we made when our kids were young and all the things we used to do with other families.