How do you make friends when you are a grown up?

[bluebellonthehill]

Posting for traffic and to pick your lovely brains, Mumsnetters.
I never struggled to make friends when I was younger, however, I am 40 now, I live thousands of miles from where I group up or went to Uni (still keep in touch with some of the old friends but on social media only due to distance).
In the last couple of years, we moved and I changed jobs, then lockdown struck. We live in a detached house semi-rurally (in the UK) so not many people around, all neighbours are older (in their 60-70s). My kids are teens so no longer any social interaction at the school gates or birthday parties to take them to where I can meet other parents. I work full time in a stressful job, not much free time for myself, gym or any hobbies. One hobby that I have is on the creative side and I do it on my own, there are no clubs or societies to meet like-minded people. My team at work are a lovely bunch but they are all in their 20s, young and free, spending their days partying, travelling and shopping, I literally have nothing in common with any of them. I am married to an introvert, my husband is happiest in his own company, he'd rather spend hours gardening, fishing or doing things in solitude than socialising with anyone. We don't frequent the local pub.
I've never felt lonelier in my entire life! How do you make friends once you left school/uni and have older kids whilst working full time in a new area? Or am I doomed for the lifetime of loneliness from now on? This has affected my mental health a great deal and I am normally a sociable, friendly and easy to talk person.
Any words of wisdom? (One of the kids have allergies so cannot get any pets to keep me company)

It doesn't sound like you've got time to make or keep friends.

When you do then you need to put yourself out there, join local groups, talk to people, make the effort. That's really the only way. I also wouldn't write people off based on age.

I think if it was me I’d try and make time to do an activity or two I enjoy each week and then if it leads to friendship it does and if not it will be positive for you to do something you enjoy. Your DH has time for golf.
Regarding the neighbours are there any you like? I’ve become friendly with two neighbours, one is 80 and the other has a four year old and is 12 years younger than me, both are at really different stages of life to me but I click with both of them.

What are your colleagues like? Any room for friendships there? Sometimes you've just got to be brave and ask someone you like for coffee although it can be hard.

I haven't made any new friends through my kids since they were babies/pre school as I've never been at the school gates much.
But I have made friends through work so that could be an Avenue.
My mum is retired but her friends are mostly from her last job or more recently through some volunteering she did. Good luck op

I work 40 hours in a high stress job. I don't have the energy for much beyond my family. I do prefer my own company though if i worked 60 hours I'd probably go home and straight to bed.

Cut your hours down and voila, time and energy for socialising.

Honestly it doesn't sound as if you are available for friendship. You work extremely long hours live rurally, prioritise family time on the weekend, and moved to be close to elderly relatives (who presumably need time and energy).

By all means join the WI or try Meet up, but bear in mind that anyone who is looking to make new friends may not gravitate towards someone who basically doesn't have much time for them.

Op I just realised your SE. I am also rural-ish SE. If you don't mind giving your nearest town I might be able to make some good suggestions if you're not far from me.

If your kids are at school why not get more involved with the PTA or equivalent? Do they do activities that you could get involved with (events, fundraising, organisation committee?). It’s noticeable that you find reasons to dismiss others suggestions of where you might find friends - it takes a lot of effort and you need to open yourself up to it rather than finding obstacles before you’ve even begun

I really think that your long working week doesn't leave you any time to foster friendships at the moment. Is it likely that such long hours are going to be a permanent feature?

If the only time you have available to do anything else is at the weekend, could you and your dh do something together? You could take up golf, for example. I have a friend who did this, and not only did she get to excercise and spend time with her dh, it also led to other friendships, becoming involved in a ladies golf group etc. Does your dh know how you are feeling?

If your not willing or able to free up time to do activities that will enable you to meet people and hang out with them then honestly suck it up. If your that bothered by it you would change things to make it happen. Its pretty simple.

@Dreamstate

If your not willing or able to free up time to do activities that will enable you to meet people and hang out with them then honestly suck it up. If your that bothered by it you would change things to make it happen. Its pretty simple.

Seems a bit harsh. Perhaps op needs the money from her job so can't free up time that way? She is asking for ideas on here so not sure suck it up helps her much. Sorry op, I didn't read in your first op that your colleagues are young- they can't all be though there must be managers or some workers closer to your age? Do you def need local friends? I mean, I have a few but many of my friends are from high school and uni and live all across the Uk- we try and meet up once every couple of months in an in between location.

I miss the old friends that we made when our kids were young and all the things we used to do with other families

It sounds to me like you are still in the mindset of thinking that your friends need to be "family friends" where you do activities together with your children.

Your children are teens - it's entirely possible that even with your old friends, they would be losing interest in hanging out as families regularly. They have their own friends and interests that are a product of their choices rather than their parents. That part of your life could well be behind you anyway.

You need to think about friendships for YOU and not for your family.

As others have said, it does require a time input. Your husband is able to play golf regularly - why can't you have the same amount of time off for your own interests?

Living rurally limits things a bit in terms of activities but cycling clubs are often quite social - coffee and cake stops are a key part of rides. horse riding - big yards are full of women and often quite social. Golf? Incredibly dull to me but is social.
Look for a informal outdoor swimming group near you - very women dominated and social.
Book clubs are a classic as well.
Pub quiz league?
WI?

It's not easy and it won't be quick. But if you really are miserable, it would be time and effort well spent.

Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling? Perhaps he could make an effort to accompany you to some things or use his own network to try and get some social connections made like through golf or his work or so on. Perhaps you feel you need his encouragement to go and spend some time not with him or your children?

But people have given ideas and then OP came back and said she doesn't have time qhatbwithbwork and then rest of time she spends with family...so its not harsh!

Its reality if your too busy and you csnt change what is taking up your time then you can't magic up friendships out of nothing building friendships requires time!

I have a couple of friends, known then for years but for past few years are always too busy, make plans and evidently cancel them. Never free, not surprising then that I now don't bother making an effort with them as much because why bother if they never have time 🤷‍♀️ just wasting time and energy that can go on people who do have time.

I went litter picking and they all just went with their friends, I was given an area to do on my own !

Join a choir or a book club? I'm in both and they are very sociable.