Is anyone regularly happy/loving their life or is it a fantasy?

[gingercatpat]

I come from a somewhat dysfunctional family so I don't really know what life is like for others. Yes I have friends and extended family but everyone tends to portray their lives as happy and perfect when I'm confident the reality is far from that.

I just wondered, are there people out there who are genuinely happy with life, perhaps even love their life, or maybe just content and at peace with whatever their life may be? Or is that just a fantasy and the reality is that most people are unhappy and just getting through each day?

I also ask because I guess I've been unhappy with life for sometime but I'm unsure if what I'm trying to achieve isn't even achievable as one of my parents constantly makes it clear to me that life is really just quite the slog and you get on with it

Some people aren’t trying to curate their like. I only post the nice stuff. Kids, holidays, nights out with mates. I have a lot of horrible stuff in my life too. Estranged from father for example. I am not trying to project a perfect image I just don’t feel the need to tell the world about it. People that post about that kind of stuff make me cringe.
It comes across as attention seeking to me.

I just see social media for what it is. A bit of a photo album of the fun bits of your life.

I’m happy, I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful DC with another on the way. We have the home we always dreamt of and I feel like I’m truly able to be myself. I had an awful childhood but I’ve managed to work through that with therapy and I now have a great relationship with my family. It’s took a lot of hard work to get here and get out of my comfort zone, there were lots of times when I wouldn’t let myself be happy because I was so used to feeling depressed and that was safe to me. But I am so glad I stuck at it.

Life is a slog but that’s only part of it. Yes, the cleaning needs to be done, we need to work, we need to make sure our children are taken care of but that’s balanced with fun and relaxation too.
My happiness comes from striving for those occasions.
I’m only happy if I can have a balance of being productive, having a clean(ish) house, eating well, going out and experiencing new places.
I can post pics of all the things we’ve done this holiday and it would look like a wonderful fun life but the other side of the coin is work, cleaning, nagging, feeling resentful when others aren’t doing what they’re supposed to, suddenly having to pay out a massive bill and so on.
Those are the things that just need to get done so I can enjoy the happier occasions.

I did a lot of work on self esteem and boundaries a few years ago and i think that contributes to my current happiness. I have a wellbeing inside my head that I've never had before. I've also realised that happiness isn't a destination. Life obviously isn't perfect tho!!

There's things i want but overall I'm content. I am grateful to have my lovely dh and 2 dc. I am also happy i am getting abit more sleep now and appreciate all the small things in life. I absolutely adore my dc and i'm thankful for our home and life.

Yes, quite happy.

That doesn't mean there aren't good days and bad days, but I don't dread getting up in the morning. I like my job. I love my family. I have fulfilling hobbies and enough time & resources to pursue them. On balance, it's enough to outweigh the problems that arise and avoid feeling like the "slog" is all there is to it.

one of my parents constantly makes it clear to me that life is really just quite the slog and you get on with it

I think the "slog" exists for everyone. I'll never be gleeful when mopping the kitchen floor or doing the 356th trip to the shops or being the DC's private taxi, but for me, the rest of it more than makes up for it.

I'm genuinely happy but it wasn't always this way (was chronically depressed until my mid-30s). I agree that a lot of people are unhappy underneath at all, and a lot of other people just don't believe in happiness as a goal to begin with.

OP my advice to you, if you are feeling unhappy, is to figure out why that might be and see if you can improve things. I would absolutely not listen to your parent who says life is just meant to be a slog. I have parents like this and it was incredibly damaging, my life really improved when I distanced myself and realised not everyone lives like this.

Do you feel like talking about what's wrong? Maybe some of us who have come out the other side might have some advice.

I constantly think of this OP.

I've been unhappy in my marriage for a very long time. Things got better recently (and unexpectedly) but I still feel meh.

I have this idea of how I'd like to feel when I wake up in the morning. Instead, as soon as I open my eyes a sombre feeling invades me. But I don't know if what I expect is a fantasy or not?

@HoboSexualOnslow

I love my life, but it is normal to have days you're unhappy for whatever reason or no reason at all!

I agree with this, there are always down days but the majority of the time I'm very happy. It is unrealistic, in my opinion, to expect that life will be fun 100 per cent of the time and you're setting yourself up for failure if that is the case. However OP, I don't think you should be feeling bad the majority of the time so I don't think your parents are right in their opinion.

I have a good life, a lovely DH who is quite possibly the most laid back person ever and puts me and my happiness first, two adult sons that are self sufficient and happy in their lives post Uni and two young daughters that are the best of friends and rarely if ever feel the need to misbehave. I’m a sahm with a lovely small group of friends and my family who I adore live locally.

There is nothing that I would wish to change (although I do buy a lottery ticket on occasion as you just never know 😉)

I’ve been homeless, penniless, unable to feed myself, in a violent horrible marriage. Left with nothing.

I now have a job that pays my bills, feeds me and allows me to have some luxuries, I have a safe stable home that is warm and dry and food in my cupboards, I have an amazing support network. I appreciate the little things- the beautiful views, the fact that I am still alive. That I made it out. I have my health and I am in a good place. My life is far far from perfect and there’s still so much more I would like but I am grateful tor all that I do have.

@dreamingbohemian Thanks for asking. I think I know what my main issues are, it's the relationships in my life. A cold critical Mother followed up with a very unkind husband who cannot communicate well at all. I am going to distance myself from my Mother (which isn't easy as means I will have to reduce seeing my Dad), but I feel stuck with my husband. We have a one year old and I am struggling with the thought of shared custody as he isn't warm to our child as it is.

I feel that if I were to leave my husband, I would have less stress and arguments in my life which would improve my mental well-being and I could pursue some hobbies etc instead of feeling down and fatigued by all our issues. Then I wonder if this is just a fantasy and life isn't going to be so rosey if I leave him? Then I think about the impact on my child and how he is going to suffer childhood trauma at the hands of a very aggressive father. I feel stuck and I just don't know if there is better out there for me in life or is what I'm experiencing all just a part of life and you get on with it?

I'm pretty content probably 80%+ of the time. Had a really off week this week, with stuff getting me down.

While in many ways lockdown has been really good for me, workwise it has been disastrous. I'm self employed and have had no work since mid July. So that was getting me down this week. But that's unusual, I'm usually pretty resilient. And I don't need others to make me happy, which I think helps a lot. I'm content to be doing my own thing in my own time. So when I see friends and family it's a bonus, rather than a need

I'd say my baseline is general happiness / contentedness, with things going on in my life that make me unhappy some of the time, if that makes sense? If I had a magic wand I would change some of my circumstances, but not my actual life as such.

Cross post.

Personally, I think you can and would do better on your own, based on what you've said. Would you husband be looking for joint custody? If he's not s warm father, he might not be in your child's life as much as you think. But the flip side is he might use the child as a means to try to control you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was in a very bad relationship for a long time, but thankfully he was a reasonable father, the majority of the time. Leaving him was so freeing and gave me my life back. It wasn't always easy, but it was 100% worth going through the tough stuff. But my children were older than yours, and that made it easier.

I think there may well come a time when you realise staying is no longer an option. And you'll get through it and move on to better times ahead

Yes, I'm pretty happy with my life at the moment, despite a fairly awful year and a half (two wedding cancellations and finding out we can't conceive naturally hasn't been easy)

I know it's a cliche but there really is a lot to be said for acceptance and the lens that you are looking at things through.

I find mindfulness really does help, but it's hard when you have a lot going on that is going to bring you down. Have you thought about counselling?

@ComtesseDeSpair

I love my life, there’s very little I’d change. I’ve struck gold, really. Some things are slightly unorthodox, and it’s not what the teenage me would ever have imagined adult life looking like, but it’s wonderful.

I also don't care at all what strangers or society at large think about my lifestyle, appearance, belongings or choices. And I think that’s absolutely linked to being happy with life.

There's a lot to be said for that point when you stop caring what others think. Good for you.

@gingercatpat

I've always felt happiest when I've had the most agency in my life and control. So I'm married but it's a good supportive relationship, it's not always been easy but we've generally had each other's back.

We have money, I have independence, and we like each other.

We also have just had a terrible bereavement, a long illness, are going through a house renovation but generally speaking are happy.

I think your circumstances are such that fear of not being happy are making you like at life and think 'this is shit but it looks just as bad out there away from this shit'.

Whereas with independence it could be better.

@IamAporcupine we appear to feel similarly, and one thing I have noticed in many of the replies is how happy people are in their relationships. I'm now thinking that our intimate relationships probably make us or break us. And that's what this is all about really. Is it even possible to be happy in life if you're unhappy in your marriage?

OP I would definitely consider leaving your husband

It's not a fantasy that life can be happy, but often we must make tough choices in order for it to happen. It sounds fairly clear that your life would be happier without him.

I understand your concern about your son, but presumably he will better off living with you most of the time and having less contact with his father. Is he just unkind or actively abusive?

It is actually because of your son that you should not just think, well this is just how life is. He deserves a happier life than that.

I'm divorced, single, no kids, live alone and I am the happiest I've ever been.

I am very grateful for everything I have.

It's all about managing your expectations. Don't expect to be ecstatic every day and find joy in the smaller things in life, be comfortable with your lot as it is not not some unspecified future date, then you will be content.

Is it even possible to be happy in life if you're unhappy in your marriage

I had things in my life that made me happy. But they were, without exception, things that I did outside the home and without my ex.

I don't think it's possible to be fully content if things aren't good in the place you call home.

I also think that it's impossible to be fully happy/content 100% of the time. Things happen. People get sick. Stuff breaks. Work gets frustrating. But it's possible to get a high percentage a lot of the time.

@BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush it's always been the same for me regarding agency and control too. I know relationships aren't going to always be happy, but I'm tolerating lies and criticism and negativity. Yes he has good points too, but surely life isn't about tolerating this kind of stuff? Or is it? Divorce rates are high.. does marriage even work? I would absolutely hate to have reduced access to my son only to find out the grass isn't greener. All I know is my mental health has never been worse since being with my husband. I've done a lot of work on myself whilst in this marriage and I see it was my low self esteem that landed me in this situation in the first place. I'm just scared to leave only to find out what I was hoping for is a fantasy as per my parents

Is it even possible to be happy in life if you're unhappy in your marriage?

Personally I would say no. I know it's possible to just get on with things and build a life outside your marriage but I don't know anyone (including myself, in a long-term relationship years ago) who is fundamentally happy and peaceful within a bad marriage. It corrodes the heart of everything.