To think you can never escape childhood trauma

[NewFlav]

I think I'm just having a bad day today. Most days I'm absolutely fine and just get on with life. Sometimes I wake up and I'm absolutely crippled with flashbacks and horrible memories.

I took DS to nursery today and this triggered a bad memory from when I was his age. I've called in sick to work and I'm just lying here in bed replaying all the crap that I experienced as a child. I keep looking at how small and helpless my son is and the thought of him experiencing the same absolutely breaks me.

Has anyone ever been able to move past the pain from their childhood? Is it even possible? How do you live with it?

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Have you ever spoken to anyone, not sure if psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor is the better option.

There are techniques you can practice to bring yourself out of the flashbacks, reminding yourself that it's not happening and what you're experiencing now isn't real.

I'm so sorry that you are having a bad day

I have found that therapy helps but I am not sure that there is a cure. Over time and with therapy you can find ways to live a happy and fulfilled life however.

Having a DC can be a massive trigger, the same happened with me. I take great strength and comfort however from knowing that my DS is having a completely different childhood.

Definitely reach out to your GP and ask for a referral to therapy. For me it isn't about removing the pain as I don't think that can be done but I can learn to live with it and not let it define me. I find more joy in life now than pain.

Have you gone NC with those who abused you? I couldn't begin to heal until I had done that.

It might never leave you, but it can improve. I've learnt the patterns to most of my flashbacks, and have learnt to realise very early on that a flashback is happening, remove myself from the trigger, and do a range of grounding techniques. Flashbacks are rarer and much less disabling for me now. Takes practice though, and a bit of experimentation about what works best for you.

This technique, and some of the pages linked at the bottom, was helpful to me.
www.dis-sos.com/stopp-flashbacks/

It's also important to grieve what happened - get the flashbacks under control, but still acknowledge what you went through and be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. Climbing into bed and retreating for a while is absolutely what you need at times

Childhood trauma survivor here too. Psychotherapy was the way forward for me. When you're carrying so much pain with you, trying to just crack on with life will only get you so far. It's like waking up every morning with a splitting headache, and relying on paracetamol to get you through. At some point, you need to look much deeper into the source of that pain. Professional support was absolutely invaluable in that process. It took time, and was intensely painful and exhausting, but it gave me my life back

Take it easy for today, and well done for recognising that it's what you need at the moment

Sorry realise I assumed that your trauma was the result of abuse when it could be another type of trauma! Ignore my NC comment if that is the case.

I agree that it never leaves you but there are ways you can make it much easier to live with.

There is psychoeducation, EMDR (personally I find this brilliant, almost magical), and self care strategies such as having a good support system (if your family is hopeless which is likely if you endured a traumatic childhood, you probably need long-term therapy, maybe even a psychiatric assessment), and to treat yourself as well as your child ie be particular about nutrition, sleep, exercise and having at least one thing that you get to do regularly that you really enjoy.
A lot of traumatised people also use medication to dilute the horror.

There are still days, however, when you may need to hide under the covers and it can be helpful to accept that's how it is rather than fighting it.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time.

I really understand where you're coming from - I was almost blindsided by how much came back to me when I had a child, especially when he was very young.
I didn't do any of the suggestions that pp have given you on this thread, instead I have generated enough material to write a book about all the worst ways to deal with childhood trauma and hurt yourself a bit more!
It's only now in my mid 40's that I am actively seeking to address and heal the traumatic mess that was my childhood. So, it's really never too late. I only mention my own experience to urge you not to do likewise, as scary as it can be, dragging it all into the light is the only way to handle it.
If you are in a financial position to do so I think finding a therapist who specialises in the relevant area is a good starting point, but if you don't feel like she or he are the right person for you I think it's important to look for someone else.
The resources mentioned on your thread look interesting and I will be checking them out too.
I have heard fantastic things about EMDR therapy especially for the type of PTSD flashbacks you talk about.
Finally, your instincts to nurture yourself, to shower yourself with love and care, to re parent yourself by having a duvet day when you need to are spot on. At all times possible treat your self gently or how you look after your own little one.
I do believe that things can get a lot better and that childhood trauma doesn't have to call the shots. I know it gets tiring to have to be so resilient but it sounds like you are already being an excellent mum to your child and also to yourself ( if that makes any sense!)

Yes you can! EMDR is incredible!

I had therapy which really helped but it was a charity which closed down. It is shocking that there isn't general therapy available at a low cost. (I had tried the 6 week nhs things in the past but didn't "get anywhere.")

I think it is really common after having a child to start to revisit childhood trauma. Each stage my child goes through (now at starting secondary) I have both seen my self at that stage and both reexperienced the events/fear as well as wondered "how/why would anyone treat a child like that". It has helped to see I was just a child, but brought back all the sadness.

My confidence and ability to do well/function is so damaged.

Long term therapy and a "good support system" aren't things you can easily access... but I agree and have known I've needed for a long time. It is really unfair that when family have been abusive you also then don't have family to look to for support.

Can somebody describe a session of EMDR? I go to a therapist and I'm wondering if I should ask her to try this on me.

When I research it myself it seems to be something about blinking and I don't understand.

I can't cope with my family at all at the moment so I'm seeing a therapist every second week, more affordable. I was upfront from the start that I couldn't really afford to go every week. But once a fortnight is more affordable.

I have 2 books which I think look fantastic that I've hoped to read over the summer. My concentration span is so shot though! I am better with small doses.

Complext PTSD - from surviving to thriving. Pete Walker
Self Compassion - Kristen Neff

I have had psychotherapy, counselling, trauma informed therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR, lots of meds, psychiatric and psychologist support, attempted suicide, as well as studying the shit out of psychology and systemic family therapy. I have self medicated with alcohol and illegal drugs. Done yoga, mindfulness, running, walking up mountains, sobriety and all the other lifestyle changes. None of them have got me 'over' it. I have got to 42 and accepted that I will always remember, get flashbacks and have bad days. And that is okay. I can now sit in the shittyness and think 'Urgh this is awful but it isn't my fault and it will pass' and it does. My DD is coming up to 11 when the worst 'event' happened so I get how you feel OP.

I hope you are okay, talk to us. You have posted, which is great. I think discussing with others who get it, is probably the most powerful help out there

I've just found this website too - and love this distinction between victim/surviving/thriving. I'm currently "suriving" ish.

www.havoca.org/survivors/

Op I haven't had the experience you have but I have just recently finished emdr sessions. I found them to be really useful.
I just wanted to offer a hand hold and send you love and strength.

Thank you for all your kind words

I have had counselling in the past and it did help me understand why the abuse happened and that it wasn't my fault. Having a child has definitely been a massive trigger for me. I watch my child reach milestones and I'm constantly met with flashbacks of myself at that age. I know that I'm safe now and these people are no longer in my life but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think I probably need to look into some long term therapy. I just wish there was a magic switch that would help me forget it all so I could move on with my life.

That sounds so tough. Well done you for addressing it. I found having my daughter brought up lots of things in my childhood that I hadn't properly processed, and I'm having to do it now.

I've been listening to a podcast by Annaliese Barbieri from the Guardian who interviews a psychiatrist/psychotherapist
on the impact of trauma
which you might also find worth listening to - pod.link/1567190358

@NewFlav

Thank you for all your kind words

I have had counselling in the past and it did help me understand why the abuse happened and that it wasn't my fault. Having a child has definitely been a massive trigger for me. I watch my child reach milestones and I'm constantly met with flashbacks of myself at that age. I know that I'm safe now and these people are no longer in my life but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think I probably need to look into some long term therapy. I just wish there was a magic switch that would help me forget it all so I could move on with my life.

It sounds like therapy was useful for you but that you could do with a lot more support. Triggers are so painful. Though I have to say that I think that fact you are able to recognise when you are triggered and the impact on you shows that you have good self awareness. I had to literally be taught that.

Keep talking in here if it helps and keep prioritising youe well-being. The best thing you can do for your child is to take very good care of yourself, you are worth it.

@pearlfriday I believe the counsellor has to be specifically trained for emdr.
In my sessions I use buzzers while having the therapy. You can also use tapping.

@PearlFriday

Can somebody describe a session of EMDR? I go to a therapist and I'm wondering if I should ask her to try this on me.

When I research it myself it seems to be something about blinking and I don't understand.

I can't cope with my family at all at the moment so I'm seeing a therapist every second week, more affordable. I was upfront from the start that I couldn't really afford to go every week. But once a fortnight is more affordable.

Not all therapists do EMDR but if yours doesn't, they'll surely be able to point you to someone who does.

Basically you talk through a part of a trauma while the therapist directs your eye movements. My psychiatrist moves her finger back and forth. Seriously, that was it. And the effect was as if someone had hopped into my brain and organised everything tidily so I could access memories when I chose rather than having them tumble out uninvited.

You might find this helpful

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability/up-next?language=en

I still struggle when my parents aren't interested at all in my children's lives (although they would say they are.) I want to share end of term reports/ music exams/etc and they aren't interested. I've learnt not to share with my dad but my mum is unpredictable (Mh issues and goes in waves.) I was all ready to share news with her and pop in on her and she has decided that she wants a "10 day retreat" and no contact :(. I would like to reestablish what contact I want. Each time this happens I say I will try not to re-emesh with her and yet I do. She's my mum... and I want that relationship. I also feel sorry for her as so aware her life is difficult - but I need to somehow learn how to build up my own boundaries. I so could do with other support!

@GiantToadstool

I have the same experience. I always have to remind myself - my child is not me, they don’t have the same trauma, they aren’t living the same life.

I think it is really common after having a child to start to revisit childhood trauma. Each stage my child goes through (now at starting secondary) I have both seen my self at that stage and both reexperienced the events/fear as well as wondered "how/why would anyone treat a child like that". It has helped to see I was just a child, but brought back all the sadness.

Agreed that having a child can make you revisit — some longterm therapy is a good idea. I’m finding it helpful, and am considering exploring EMDR again, too. I was sexually abused as a child and found being pregnant and giving birth triggered horrifying flashbacks, though I thought I’d come to terms with things. My therapist is very good at helping me re-ground myself in the ‘now’.

YANBU. Anyone who "escapes" from their childhood trauma didn't have a particularly bad childhood. It's impossible for someone who truly suffered to ever recover. I don't say this to alarm you, if anything it should be a comfort because it means you don't have to blame yourself or feel like you've failed because you can't move on.

It's normal, you're normal.

I do think recovery is possible. I just don't think it will ever be as if it never happened/the scars wont be there.

I really like the list on the above site about the move from victim to survivor to thriving in life. I would love to move to thriving and really do think it is possible.