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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can never escape childhood trauma

44 replies

NewFlav · 02/08/2021 10:10

I think I'm just having a bad day today. Most days I'm absolutely fine and just get on with life. Sometimes I wake up and I'm absolutely crippled with flashbacks and horrible memories.

I took DS to nursery today and this triggered a bad memory from when I was his age. I've called in sick to work and I'm just lying here in bed replaying all the crap that I experienced as a child. I keep looking at how small and helpless my son is and the thought of him experiencing the same absolutely breaks me.

Has anyone ever been able to move past the pain from their childhood? Is it even possible? How do you live with it?

OP posts:

BrieAndChilli · 02/08/2021 12:14

It will always be with you, trauma during childhood leaves a mark that cant be completely erased.

I found that having kids did bring back a lot of the emotion and memories, especially when they were at similar ages to when something significant happened tome in childhood.

On a positive note having kids has helped me process some of it finally and realise that it wasnt my fault/ i didn't do anything to deserve it. I also find comfort in being able to provide my kids with a family that I didnt have emotionally.

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2021 12:16

YANBU, and its completely normal to be triggered when your child reaches the same age or something similar. There are therapies and meds that can help, there will be times that are easier, but sometimes you will need extra support.

Try to remember to pat yourself on the back that you are not passing the trauma on to your own child, and focus on giving them a stable and happy childhood. And try to remember to let yourself enjoy their childhood.

emmetgirl · 02/08/2021 12:17

Have you had counselling/therapy? If not you should definitely consider it. You'll need someone very experienced and a childhood trauma specialist.
It can get better. It can take a long time though and some work. I'm 54 and still suffer as a result of my childhood but it's much less often now and I have to tools to manage it.
I do feel for you as it's very difficult xxx

nyoman · 02/08/2021 12:18

I don't quite agree with @ChainJane, I think you can recover enough to live a good life. There will always be things that remain, your reactions to certain situations, your expectations of the behaviour of others etc, but there are lots of ways to help you move on from the past.
I found that having children as @GiantToadstool says brings back many experiences to you, and you will spend so much time questioning what happened to you, when you are nurturing, loving, cherishing your own child and wondering how you could have been treated the way you were. I won't deny that is hard, and it is difficult to deal with and can be very painful.

I found that my children gave me strength though, to begin to come to terms with my childhood to create a far healthier, nurturing childhood for them (not perfect, but "normal" and healthy and a good start).

It may get worse before it gets better, but I wish you strength

Jobsharenightmare · 02/08/2021 12:20

Hi OP,

Oprah Winfrey and Carolyn Spring are two examples of women who have lived through and overcome horrendous childhood experiences. In case you haven't heard of the later, she has gone on to form a professional organisation to help others. With the right help you can be free of the emotional intensity of these awful trauma memories.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/08/2021 12:25

@Jobsharenightmare

Hi OP,

There is a difference though between becoming rich and famous, and overcoming trauma. On the surface I appear "successful" but generally we don't advertise our dark times. And so much depends on who supports us along the way. So many variables.

Love and luck to everyone

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2021 12:40

I think there's a difference between recovering well enough to be able to live and thrive; and being free of it.
For most people recovery is possible but lets not make people think they have failed if they aren't 'free' of the trauma. Nothing can fix it or make it go away. It happened. You learn to process it.

There's a problem with thinking you haven't succeeded unless you are free; 'relapse' or being triggered is completely normal.

If you do 'relapse' (I really need a better word) then the first thing to remember is - you survived the original event.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/08/2021 12:43

@Thelnebriati
I agree with that. A psychiatrist told me it would be reasonable to expect to experience periods of retraumatisation but to hold onto the knowledge that I've survived them previously and manage them much better than in the past.

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 13:00

@Thelnebrati Thankyou that's a really helpful way of putting it.

fantastaballs · 02/08/2021 13:03

Or course you can. I had a shitty child hood. Was sexually abused, raised by alcoholics, I'm the product of an affair. I was even told i was conceived in a Volvo estate. My mum abandoned me as a teenager and I ended up in a very violent relationship with a drug dealer. I got zero GCSEs.

Around age 21 ( with two kids) I made the choice to do an access course. I was struggling hugely with my mental health and was involved in drugs and drinking far too much. I met a lovely man. He treated me with respect and really opened my eyes to the fact that I had never known anything but trauma and abuse. I dropped out of uni . A few years later we were married with two more kids. I still struggled and lurched from disaster to disaster but he supported me regardless.

I had a total break down around 29-30 when a girl I used to baby sit for found me on fb. It sent me spiralling and I cheated on my husband while I was manic. She told me all about the horrific sexual abuse her stepdad subjected her to and that he was in prison. The same man has raped me many many times but my mum didn't believe me. I went to the police and then realised I couldn't carry on that way. I got an official diagnosis of bipolar (always knew I was). I signed up to a clinical trial and I was lucky enough to get 60 hours of intensive psychotherapy with a very well educated Dr. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

This totally transformed my life. I started reading about complex ptsd, mindfulness, mood disorders, trauma informed therapy and yoga. Within 2 years I was drug free and stable. I still am and I am now 42. My bipolar is still there and so I need a sedative for a weeks in the summer around the solstice. And I need to be careful in late December-early January not to sleep my life away.

But I am a much stronger, much happier person. I finished my degree. Got a masters. Raised 4 kids. And most importantly I own my own behaviour. Is it unfair that this all happened to me? Sure but it is what it is.

Do I still have bleak days? Of course but so does everybody. Am I bitter? Angry? Not at all. I don't even hold bad feelings towards the rapist or my parents. I have let it all go, healed myself and I feel wonderful for it.

fantastaballs · 02/08/2021 13:15

@Thelnebriati

I think there's a difference between recovering well enough to be able to live and thrive; and being free of it. For most people recovery is possible but lets not make people think they have failed if they aren't 'free' of the trauma. Nothing can fix it or make it go away. It happened. You learn to process it.

There's a problem with thinking you haven't succeeded unless you are free; 'relapse' or being triggered is completely normal.

If you do 'relapse' (I really need a better word) then the first thing to remember is - you survived the original event.

I agree with this totally. Occasionally I get overheated and will drink far too much and instead of beating myself up about it I accept it, Brush myself off and get back to trying to do my best. I have made a HUGE change to my life and have come on in leaps and bounds. I chose to focus on that instead of any "blips" and celebrate my journey and my own happiness.

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2021 13:19

@GiantToadstool I'm glad it helped.

My abusers stopped being terrifying monsters the day I realised - I was only a child, and they were adults.
They turned into sad, pathetic, sick bullies in my mind; people who couldn't think of anything better to do with the power they had.

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2021 13:21

@fantastaballs Yes you're right - they don't define you. The fact you have managed to achieve anything despite their best efforts to harm you is a victory!

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 13:33

Funily enough I had a similar turning point in counselling. Someone asked me whether he was really the type of person I respected the opinion of. I realised that although outwardly successful he was an abusive git and actually that made him "smaller" in my head.

Kanaloa · 02/08/2021 13:55

I don’t think you can ever really ‘escape’ it as in forget about it and live as if it never happened, it’s more about just learning to live along with it. It’s still hard though.

DarkHollowTree · 07/08/2021 01:00

Does anyone have any advice on how they talk themselves down when they feel themselves being kind of triggered? I have PTSD but never really had help and lockdowns been particularly shit. My DD hit the same age I was and I'm not sure I if this is silly or whether anyone else found having to do that fucking covid test thing beyond distressing to put it nicely. Shaking even thinking about it :(

DarkHollowTree · 07/08/2021 01:02

I mean the nose and throat swab test on my DD. Have no problems with that sort of thing on myself.

Anordinarymum · 07/08/2021 01:07

@NewFlav

Thank you for all your kind words

I have had counselling in the past and it did help me understand why the abuse happened and that it wasn't my fault. Having a child has definitely been a massive trigger for me. I watch my child reach milestones and I'm constantly met with flashbacks of myself at that age. I know that I'm safe now and these people are no longer in my life but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think I probably need to look into some long term therapy. I just wish there was a magic switch that would help me forget it all so I could move on with my life.

I think you shouldn't forget, and don't even try to forget because it won't work. What you can do is to find a way of living with trauma/grief etc.

I have. It's always there but I can look at it from a different perspective these days. That's not to say it does not hurt still but I have taken control of my feelings now and don't allow the pain to spoil my life.

If you continue to allow it to rule your life it will affect your decision making and stop you from ever being happy

earlydoors42 · 07/08/2021 07:39

My husband started having flashbacks and intrusive thoughts triggered by the death of his abusive step dad. He was diagnosed with complex PTSD. He had 5 sessions of EMDR and it worked completely and it all stopped.

I wouldn't say he is fine and unaffected by his childhood but that particular element never troubles him any more - it's been a few years.

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