How regularly do you message people back. Aibu and anti social

[Goldenfan]

Hi

Just that really. Trying to see if I'm just an anti social person.

I have a friend who can be a bit of a CF. She pretty much arranged for me to do her a favor costing me time and money without asking me and sent a message along the lines of "arranged with x for you to pick up my stuff at lunchtime then drop it here, hope thats ok much appreciated" I was thinking wtf as 1 im busy at that time and 2 I never knew about or agreed to do this. So I just didn't text back.

This is not the first time.

Friend has mentioned in the past that I will go days without communicating and she gets a bit upset. She will send text after text until I do reply. Often 10+texts in a row.

Shes not the only one though. I have other friends who regularly message me and I don't reply maybe for a day or two and they might message inbetween asking if I'm ok etc

I'm fine. I'm just really busy with life. I have 2 (soon 3) children. I work and I'm renovating a house. I like to spend my free time reading or seeing my mum. Or seeing people face to face so ul Mesa or ring to arrange that. I don't like to stare at my phone constantly especially when with my children. I mumsnet occasionally but don't have any social media. I'm not interested.

Maybe I'm awful for this.

I do have another friend with 3 children who can go days even weeks without replying and thats fine with me. Two friends mentioned above have 1 child and one is child free. Perhaps that's why as I'm sure they have more free time.

I'm questioning if it's normal to not need to be in constant contact with friends. Do you lot text friends each day or reply straight away. Will I end up lonely and friendless. Aibu and a ignorant recluse.

I reply to friends within the hour usually.

That person is a major CF though so cut her off and never reply to her again. She'll just keep draining you.

I think there’s a mid ground between going days or weeks ans responding immediately. Of course your friend was cheeky, so ignoring her is fine, but generally I find it rude not to reply to someone. I’m sure you can find time once a day to check your messages and respond.

Your friends are really weird.

I can reply to people immediately or a month later. It’s no bearing on the friendship. It just depends on what’s going on.

Of course you’re not awful. And someone who arranges for you to do her a quite a big favour without asking you isn’t much of a friend. Especially when you’ve got 2 kids and another on the way!

@Bluntness100 I might try make time each day to do this. I just find that if I reply it turns into a text conversation and I don't have the time or energy.

I do see people face to face. I have a hobby I go to once a week with a group of like minded people. I meet friends. I'd just rather send a couple of messages arranging a time and date and speak when we are face to face about anything else.

The first person you mentioned is a CF, and I'd have ignored that text too.

For normal "how you doing, what's been happening" type texts, I'll try and reply ASAP. Most times that'll be within the hour, or a few hours later. My friends are all the same as me. If I've seen the text it plays on my mind until I reply, and if i don't do it that day I think it warrants an apology.

Saying that, neither me nor my friends would send 10+ texts in a row until someone replies. That is way too much. I had a friend like that years ago, and we weren't compatible in terms of contact levels, so are no longer friends. I think, as Bluntness says, there's a middle ground.

I reply to people quickly, because I’m awful for reading a message, getting distracted and then not responding for a while because I’ve forgotten (in my head it’s done because I’ve looked at it). But also I don’t see responding to messages as something to spend time on like reading/seeing family/hobbies - I do it whilst cooking, waiting for the kettle to boil, waiting for the bus/on the bus etc.

Your friend who made arrangements for you is cheeky af, so yanbu there. Your friend who texts a lot sounds a bit needy, but again it’s her emotions that need controlling and that’s not your responsibility. Can you message her and say something like “hi x, sorry if you feel a bit ignored but I’m so knackered from pregnancy and doing the house up, life is busy! Let’s catch up on x date” (if you want to make arrangements with her) and set a boundary that way.

Two separate issues here which you are conflating. The “friend” is a total CF and you ought not to pander to her.

On the other thing about not replying, as someone said upthread there is a middle ground between replying immediately and leaving it months.

I totally get that you are busy, have other priorities and want not to be glued to your phone. But I do think it’s fairly rude to just leave close friends hanging. A text or WhatsApp can take 20 seconds and can easily be done after your kids are in bed.

I think people slightly over-dramatise this. It’s just common sense: no need to feel you have to be “always on” but not a huge deal to do it later in front of the tv.

I reply same day.
I am busy, have a full time job, the kids, I can't let things pile up, it makes my own life easier to reply on the day.

No one is that busy that they can't reply, they just chose not to.

Weeks between "chat"? It's fine, they are just not that interested, but if it's just inane and random nonsense, they have a good reason .

The other extreme of expecting a reply within the hour? That's ridiculous.

Now expecting you to do a favour without even asking? That's bloody rude. I would make myself unavailable and reply in the evening: oh sorry, was out, just got message now! That's how I tend to deal with CF, they get the message, it's their time they are wasting, not mine.

I dont try and reply to anything ASAP I reply when I feel like it. That might be later that day or a month later. I dont keep friends who have a problem with this.

I wouldn't care at all if someone took a couple of days to respond to me, so I tend to give that lenience to myself as well.

Obviously if it's urgent I'll respond straight away. But really, if someone doesn't like the way I communicate, we don't have to be friends.

I couldn't cope with a friend as needy/ demanding as yours sounds, I would find it very draining and tbh they probably wouldn't be my friend for long!

I can go weeks without relying so I wouldn't worry about it. I'm not at the beck and call of a square brick of tech.

But I do have MH issues so there's that, pre covid I would make sure to see my friend in person atleast once a month so I could focus all my attention on them and that's how I show them that I care even if I drop off the radar for weeks if not months at a time.

I think there’s a mid ground between going days or weeks ans responding immediately. Of course your friend was cheeky, so ignoring her is fine, but generally I find it rude not to reply to someone. I’m sure you can find time once a day to check your messages and respond.

Yes this.

I try to reply as quickly as I can when people message me unless I'm in the middle of something or it's late. I do know what you mean though about text conversations being stressful OP. I feel that way too.

Anyway your friend is a CF and I don't blame you for ignoring her in this instance.

I don’t agree this is anti social it’s rude.
If you are aware you have a msg, it takes seconds to reply and there’s no need to get into a chat, just say I’m busy must go if it’s getting lengthy.
Nobody is that busy that they don’t have 5 mins to check their phone each day.

Leaving aside the ridiculously demanding , unreasonable friend, it might be worth being explicit with other friends.

Tell them, 'Sorry, I'm not a text chatter. It might be weeks before I reply to you, unless we're arranging something specific'.

I have a friend like you. She treats both texts and emails like letters and will reply weeks later. I've got used to it, and know to put THIS NEEDS A REPLY at the start of a message arranging to meet up.

You’re being pretty rude to be honest and I’m surprised your friends still try. (Friend 1 is a CF though and no chance I’d be picking anything up).

I’m busy, really busy- but I’d always reply same day even just to say ‘sorry it’s taken me a while to respond, really hectic here- hope you’re all good, can I give you a call next week to catch up properly?’ Or similar… save you getting drawn into a long chat

I normally do same day myself, but I have other friends who can take a few days. I think you get to know someone’s ‘style’ of messaging and frequency is part of that, so you know if Sally takes a few days then she’ll get back to you eventually, or Rachel will probably come back within a few hours as she’s on her phone more.

Also I know sometimes people miss a message, or they read it and think they’ve replied when they haven’t. It happens! I think I’d only be concerned if someone hadn’t got back to me for a while outside of their normal frequency. And even then if it happened once I’d probably shrug it off. I suppose you know what’s ‘normal’ for your friends and it’s only when they deviate from that when you might wonder why.

I have one friend in a group chat who doesn’t check her phone for a few days but will do a marathon catch up, it’s become a bit of a joke in that chat. She’ll be silent and then 3 days later suddenly respond/react to everything that was said in her absence which can be quite amusing. It’s just how she does things.

Maybe you could just let your friends know that you can take a while sometimes but it’s not a reflection on them, just how often you go on the phone etc.

I don't keep friends who are rubbish a communication, don't respond to messages or initiate sometimes. I understand not everyone wants to look at their phone a lot. But waiting weeks / months to open and respond to a message (if ever!) doesn't show the friendship to be any kind of priority or have any value to them, so I let it go. Different expectations.

That said, I'd never send more than one or two messages. 10 is a bit crazy! And the friend you describe is a CF.

A few hours or days to reply is fine. Weeks or ignoring a direct question all together is not, if you want to maintain a friendship.

I will reply the same day to conversations - but I admit I often let it drop with people who just seem to want inane chit chat through the day, I don't have time for that, like I did when I was a teenager.

I don’t usually feel pressure to reply to messages straight away unless they’re obviously urgent. If a few have built up I tend to find a bit of time to blitz them all at once.
The 10 texts in a row thing sounds way too much. I’d be wanting to break that expectation.

I think your friend expecting you to collect stuff for her without asking is weird.

But apart from that, I always reply to messages fairly quickly unless I genuinely haven't seen them. Well, I reply to people who I care about and want to speak to, like friends and family.

I would text a friend to ask if they were OK if they had read my message and not replied within a day.

What makes it such a minefield is that people have such wide differences in message etiquette. I have friends who are permanently on WhatsApp and others who avoid electronic communication like the plague.

I am on several WhatsApp chat threads where you can easily get tens of messages back and forth in the course of a day and I simply don't have time to get stuck into these. Some people will think its odd if you haven't followed the whole thread. At the other end of the scale I have a friend who hates any kind of phone-based communication and if you are trying to arrange anything with her you know you have to phone.

I think it is worth being clear with people what your "tempo" is like. If you know you can't check your phone within work hours and can't engage with a long thread just say so.

On the other hand leaving it three weeks to respond to a text is just rude, no-one is so busy they can't find time to do this.

I'd hate to have friends as demanding as yours. In saying that, I do usually reply within a day or two to messages and the speed depends on what I'm doing and the urgency of the message but I don't expect the same back and certainly wouldn't get in a tizz about someone not replying straight away.

The first friend you talked of is a complete CF and so presumptuous!

@BrilliantBetty

I don't keep friends who are rubbish a communication, don't respond to messages or initiate sometimes. I understand not everyone wants to look at their phone a lot. But waiting weeks / months to open and respond to a message (if ever!) doesn't show the friendship to be any kind of priority or have any value to them, so I let it go. Different expectations.

That said, I'd never send more than one or two messages. 10 is a bit crazy! And the friend you describe is a CF.

A few hours or days to reply is fine. Weeks or ignoring a direct question all together is not, if you want to maintain a friendship.

Yes I agree, especially re not even opening the message. That is worst than reading and not replying for me.

I find people who don't respond to messages for weeks a bit rude. If i hadn't heard back within 2 days max then I'd just not bother with them again. If they didn't reply I wouldn't text them another 10 times, I'd simply just forget the If it was a frequent occurrence