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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accept if they offer?

32 replies

Treezan82 · 02/08/2021 07:54

Dd birthday lunch - we invited both sets of grandparents plus my sister and her son. That is 10 people in total - 2 kids meals and 8 adult meals. Obviously was going to be our treat and I chose a restaurant that does 50% off food with Taste Card to make it affordable for us.

Since then, PIL have asked to bring their grandson (our nephew) as they are looking after him that day - absolutely fine. Sister's husband I thought wasn't coming as I assumed he'd be at work - turns out he is off so he is coming too. Also fine of course.

Guess what - the restaurant no longer accepts Taste Card. So we have gone for 10 half price meals to 12 full price meals (10 adult, 2 kids).

The only kid friendly restaurants who do Tastecard near us for more than 2 people have no availability. So we are sticking with this place.

Now of course it is what it is and we will still pay. BUT dh has pointed out that my parents, his parents and my sister will 100% offer to pay for their own. He thinks we pay but if they offer we let them chip in. I feel like that is a bit awkward and we should just insist on paying.

YABU - let them chip in if they offer
YANBU - insist on paying it all

OP posts:

daisymill · 02/08/2021 07:56

Definitely let them chip in.

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 07:57

If they offer I'd let them pay. Not sure why your DH is 100% sure they will so I'd be prepared to pay for all of it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 02/08/2021 07:59

I think you should pay for both sets of GP or neither. Would be quite awkward to pay for your folks and let the inlaws get their own.

gingerbiscuit19 · 02/08/2021 07:59

Defo accept. I wouldn't expect to not pay for myself if I was attending.

LawnFever · 02/08/2021 07:59

Let them pay, in our family everyone would’ve expected to pay for themselves anyway.

Original poster

Treezan82 · 02/08/2021 08:01

I think he's right they'll offer - they are all fight for the bill type people.
But yes, will just pay if not - would be so awkward otherwise!!

OP posts:

ReeseWitherfork · 02/08/2021 08:01

I'd never expect someone else to pick up the bill for my meal, shocked anyone would. Definitely let them chip in, most people don't offer just to be polite, they actually expect to pay (surely?). They'll be there for the company, not the free food.

Manista · 02/08/2021 08:04

In my family we'd do a rough sum so that everyone paid for themselves. Some can afford to treat everyone, some can't and that avoids embarrassment. It means that nobody would hesitate to set up a meet and meal because they can't afford to treat everyone.

Holly60 · 02/08/2021 08:10

Better to let everyone pay for themselves for sure. I’d never expect anything else!

kurtney · 02/08/2021 08:11

@ReeseWitherfork

It depends. If someone had me asked to attend a birthday meal and said that it was their treat, then I wouldn't insist I pay for myself. That's also rude and a bit weird.

It all depends on what OP said when she doing the inviting.

Original poster

Treezan82 · 02/08/2021 08:17

I didn't mention paying either way - just would you like to come for lunch for dd birthday, this time this place. All said yeah great. I just feel like if you invite people you should pay (as it is our dd birthday). Relieved to hear majority are on dh's side though!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2021 08:19

I think if you can afford it you should pay, but if you can’t then accept if they offer, it’s not ideal though, but is what it is.

LadyCatStark · 02/08/2021 08:24

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

I think you should pay for both sets of GP or neither. Would be quite awkward to pay for your folks and let the inlaws get their own.

Where did the OP say that she would pay for her parents and not her DH’s??

I would graciously accept if they offer and make sure you bring a really nice cake for dessert.

HalloHello · 02/08/2021 08:30

I would never expect someone else to pay for my meal. In my family, we would all chip is according to how many adults were in each family. Someone may offer to pay the bill and would likely insist, but I'd never expect it.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 02/08/2021 08:56

If they offer why don't you just accept half, then you'd be paying what you planned on spending (other than the two extra meals, that is)?

FinallyHere · 02/08/2021 09:13

How does it usually work in your families?

DH's used to split the bill scrupulously amongst those attending and cover the birthday girl/boy's. In my family the birthday girl/boy chooses what to and pays.

Over the years we have all morphed towards our family's way of doing things. I like to think that they have realised that it is no more expensive over time and, indeed, it means that the person paying gets to choose what sort of budget is required.

The important thing IMO is not to wait until the bill is presented before having the discussion.

Assuming that you can trust everyone involved, could you have a quiet chat with everyone individually if necessary in advance so that you know who will be involved in paying. Let them know what their share is as soon as the bill arrives and let them transfer the amount to your account.

I do hate having a fuss when the bill actually arrives.

TalkingOutYerArse · 02/08/2021 09:19

If I was attending a birthday meal, I'd expect to pay for myself anyway. Let them chip in.

Manista · 02/08/2021 09:20

Some in my family wouldn't be able to afford to pay for everyone, and I'd hate for that to put them off inviting us all out for eats. It honestly wouldn't occur to us that the person inviting would pay for us all. It might "balance out" for some eventually, but it would take a long time... and if one or two didn't do inviting then they'd never pay. Madness.
We tend to go somewhere that does good food with reasonable choice on a fixed price menu. Everyone orders and pays for their own drinks as some like a few beers and others will just drink water and juice.

Candleabra · 02/08/2021 09:22

I'd expect to pay for myself for a birthday meal in a restaurant.

The only occasion I've ever had a meal paid for me is a wedding.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 09:30

@HalloHello

when you are invited, you don't expect anything, you know you've been invited!

If I invite someone, I fully intend to pay for their meal. Different if you arrange to go to a restaurant together...

Candleabra · 02/08/2021 09:35

If I invite someone, I fully intend to pay for their meal. Different if you arrange to go to a restaurant together...

So what's the difference between agreeing to go to a restaurant for someone's birthday and feeling that you've been invited? I would ask friends if they fancied going out for a meal to celebrate, I wouldn't expect to pay for them.
Is this a thing that's expected within different social circles? (Not mine, obviously!).

Genuine question, by the way. I'm not being funny.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 09:44

It's in the phrasing and the way you invite people around.

And the waiter won't bring the bill to the table! You deal with it on the side.

You wouldn't say " I am inviting you to x restaurant" and then expect them to pay anymore than you'd expect people to pay when you invite them at your home.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 02/08/2021 09:46

I don't think she did say that? I offered an opinion on the situation

Candleabra · 02/08/2021 10:06

Well unless I got a written invitation, or someone specifically said it's my treat, I still would expect to pay for my own meal.

Ilikeknitting · 02/08/2021 10:07

we invited both sets of grandparents plus my sister and her son

You invited people, I think you’d be bloody rude to expect anyone else to pay!

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