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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report a close family member to Social Services

77 replies

Morgandetoi · 01/08/2021 20:45

Not sure if this is the right thread but I could really use some impartial advice.

A very close family member has 5 children under 8, is only 25 she is married to a man 13 years older. Social services took the children away 2 years ago and they lived with their Nanny for 8 months. We have only heard information second hand as to why the kids were taken away. Supposedly the nursery reported them as one of the children told them worker that the parents were hitting them. I have never seen evidence of this, but I have always wondered if there was more to the story, as the action SS took seemed extreme for one report.

They had to attend visitation sessions which were quite frequently missed, she also had a baby during this time which was immediately taken away,but she was allowed under supervision to feed the baby at night, again this was frequently missed. They got the children back and everything seemed to be a lot more settled.

Recently the mother has gone off the rails. Staying out all night drinking, taking drugs and from what we hear sleeping around. The father is staying home with the children but is bringing “unsavoury” people into the house in the evening and when the mother gets back at 6 am they argue and fight in front of the children, which I think at times has got physical.

I know that she has drunk drove with the kids in the car and I am absolutely terrified that something is going to happen to the children.

If the children were taken away again their nana absolutely could not take of them. Unfortunately we have a extremely sick family member who has takes up the majority of her time with constant hospital visits. The only option would be foster care.

The only things I have see first hand is a complete lack of home cooked food, they only seem to eat sausage rolls, the kids only tried blueberries for the first when we visited last as my daughter had some. The youngest baby being strapped in the pram all day, being extremely behind with crawling sitting up and walking. She has a major flat head. Lack of car seats, rotting teeth, the 4 year old had almost all his teeth removed. The toddlers are very whiney and clingy. The older ones are starting to become aggressive. The children escaping from an open back door and the parents not realising till a stranger bought them back from a very busy main road. We do not spend a lot of time directly with the children or the mother as we don’t live in the same area.

Would I be wrong to report them just on second hand information. Are children better off with their parents or foster care?

OP posts:

gogohm · 01/08/2021 22:04

The kids need help if your second hand information is correct, an assessment by social services is urgently required. The only thing to note is they are likely to be split up unless a family member can step in - as a family member you can still receive the fostering allowance if you negotiate it so lack of money needn't be the reason

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2021 22:29

That’s horrific!

PollyPepper · 01/08/2021 22:47

Fucking hell

Person23 · 01/08/2021 23:01

Definitely report, from experience social services are unlikely to do anything (although in your case hopefully they'll be more likely to because of their prior involvement) but the more reports there have been the more likely they will be to step in.

Social services are criminally negligent from what I've seen, I understand the services are severely underfunded but to see multiple reports go totally ignored is absolutely heartbreaking.

I hope you have a better outcome!

Nannyamc · 01/08/2021 23:06

I am aware of a family like this. 6 kids now came from the same situation. Awful life for the poor kids. They are living with parents yet continuing using drugs. Poor kids should be in care. Mum 31 eldest 14.

Dina0 · 02/08/2021 00:22

Such a hard situation. Foster care may be a better option but they could possibly be split up. I would see if anyone in the family would be willing to take them before actioning anything just so if they are taken a plan is in place.

DingDongThongs · 02/08/2021 06:33

Children die in social/foster care. A baby in Barrow was found dead and it's foster carers arrested. Prior to that a little girl in Wales was murdered by a foster parent.

It sounds an awful situation. Dad is trying and if he's there that's a positive. Could you not help?

tothelakes · 02/08/2021 06:44

God, people spout such bollocks on social services threads. Often dangerous bollocks.

Some of it is based on personal experience but from a narrow perspective which is unhelpful but that's not the whole picture.
Discouraging people from reporting concerns by ranting about failings and foster carers killing children is dangerous.

My advice to the OP is to ignore all the scaremongering and just report this urgently.

Floralcoral · 02/08/2021 06:45

@Morgandetoi

Thank you for your reply and mentioning the fact it’s third information as that’s the reason I was hesitant.

Yes but the effects on the children as you describe them are enough to report, even if you're only going by third hand info.

tothelakes · 02/08/2021 06:50

@Chickenyhead

In my experience they won't be on any radars.

SS have a year on child protection to decide whether to remove the children permanently or return them.

After that the case becomes child in need. Which is entirely voluntary and can be refused by parents.

This isn't true.

tothelakes · 02/08/2021 06:51

@Dina0

Social care would do this. No delays to reporting.

Longtalljosie · 02/08/2021 06:57

Report and tell no one in your family it was you. Possibly not even your husband. Just do it for the children and act surprised if anything happens. You don’t owe your sibling (I’m guessing) any honesty over this. Your conscience should be clear.

sarahc336 · 02/08/2021 07:01

Report. Google your local care line immediately. X

TeenMinusTests · 02/08/2021 07:02

Just a comment re splitting children up.
Many are talking as if splitting the children up would be a terrible thing.
But actually in a large family where there has been neglect or other abuse, unhealthy dynamics between the children can be set up, and it can be better for the children to be split. It also of course can help ensure that each individual child gets the time and attention they need. Being in separate placements also doesn't mean the children won't have contact with each other.

Seasidemumma77 · 02/08/2021 07:02

Phone and speak to the Duty Social Worker.

Soontobe60 · 02/08/2021 07:18

@Panickingpavlova

Shit, by accident I know through fiends /family of two different Foster carers and they do the absolute bare minimum..

They have their own family around, push fostered child out, do the absolute bare minimum, don't take them anywhere or do anything special and yet they get an absolute fortune for fostering!!

I'm absolutely sure there are really invested caring ones out there but for many it's an income and they do the bare minimum.

If you know this to be the case, then why haven’t you reported them? We all have a responsibility to ensure every could is safe, which means that if we suspect even one child is not safe, we must report report report.

It seems like you're having a dig at foster carers but aren’t prepared to help the child. Oh, and BTW, foster carers DO NOT get paid a fortune. Most of them don't have other jobs, their job IS being a FC. Believe me, being in it for the money isn't most FCs motive. An average pay of £400 pw for a 24/7 job equates to £2.38 an hour. Most FCs would have to live in a bigger house than they’d have to if they weren’t FCs so that each child can have their own bedroom, they’d probably need a bigger car, food costs are higher, days out / meals out are higher and thats before the added emotional pressure of taking care of a child who may be significantly affected by trauma.
secure.manchester.gov.uk/download/downloads/id/28040/fostering_allowance_policy_202122.pdf

cleocleo16 · 02/08/2021 07:29

@Morgandetoi

Why are you attacking me? I asked for some impartial advice, i only found this all out last night as my niece has cancer so all family conversation has been understandably about her. I have never seen any first hand and only heard this from a different family member, who has heard through others.

They must be already known to SS. Why are they not being monitored? Why are SS not aware of this? If they have had dcs taken away before surely they should be having regular visits and support. It's shocking this has been allowed to continue.

cleocleo16 · 02/08/2021 07:54

Is it possible for you to take any of them ? Perhaps until the grandma is more able to take them.

milkieway · 02/08/2021 08:17

You need to act in the best interests of the children not the adults involved. Even if it is "second hand" you need to report it. You have also witnessed several concerning things first hand. You don't want to be left holding onto information if it could have saved a child. Lots of the serious case reviews where tragic things happened to children sadly revealed that lots of people involved knew little bits of information that they didn't share. It's the social workers job to take the information you have given and investigate and make a decision. Your decision is the easy one - always pass on any concerns you have about a child.

milkieway · 02/08/2021 08:22

it isn't your decision about foster care - the main thing is to pass on information to the person who can have the full picture as to what is going on to protect those children (the social worker).
It may be the family just need more support again but you don't know at the moment what is really going on - but you are clearly concerned for the children and need to act on that concern

Tiana4 · 02/08/2021 08:35

You don't need to worry about what action will be taken and whether foster care is better or not.

Safeguarding is everyone's business and this information has come to you (via a relative who has seen it first hand?)
You report it to the local children services exactly as you said- that it is 3rd hand but you are concerned about the DCs

CSD (children's services dept) will investigate
If it's true, then you are protecting those children.

rainbowdashsneeze · 02/08/2021 08:40

@ShitPoetryClub

Foster carers are highly trained, vetted, childcare professionals. Foster placements are also closely monitored by a SW. Of course the children would be better off in Foster care, it beats me why Foster care has such a poor reputation.

Because it is proven that outcomes for children in foster care are worse than if they were to stay in the abusive parents care. Crazy I know but it's true.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 02/08/2021 08:45

I agree with reporting your concerns, but being honest about the fact that you have heard a lot of the information from other people and only seen a few things for yourself.

tothelakes · 02/08/2021 09:11

@rainbowdashsneeze the outcomes aren't worse because the care is poor, there are complex reasons for this and is always a consideration when taking a child into care.

MrsRockAndRoll · 02/08/2021 12:52

I'm horrified that the people seeing this first hand are speaking to you/others and not Social Services.

Please make the call to SS urgently as they are not

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