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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more support from my in-laws?

31 replies

Journeylikenomother · 01/08/2021 20:40

This weekend marked 6 months since our baby was stillborn. Not one of my in-laws have remembered and instead we've had a constant stream of them all on holidays and having fun all weekend.

Due to Covid, we haven't seen any of my husband's family since before I was pregnant (we live abroad). They occasionally call my husband but mostly the communication is up to him. He rarely complains but I know it bothers him they make such little effort. Until our baby died, I had a lovely friendship with two of my sisters in law but since they have distanced themselves...there was the odd text message but no one has ever picked up the phone to chat or check-in. I totally get babyloss is such unknown ground for them but AIBU to expect more from family?

As we live abroad, DH and I make sure to make a big effort with birthdays - always a gift, card and a phone call for adults and kids. My birthday last week and a card from parents in law but that was it, despite one of the kids having a birthday the day before mine (so should have been easy to remember). This upset DH more than me!

We are hoping to travel to see everyone in September but I just don't know how I'll be able to hold it together around them when they've been so shit.

AIBU to expect more from them?

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 01/08/2021 20:43

Alot of people don't know what to say when it comes to someone losing a baby who was stillborn, I think the fact you leave abroad makes it more harder than in person.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/08/2021 20:46

It sounds like they are a bit poor at communication generally.

In the gentlest possible way (and also speaking as a bereaved mother) I don't think they should be expected to mark the 6 month anniversary of your darling baby. A year, definitely, but 6 month really isn't in most people's radar. (I am so sorry for your loss ). It really isn't uncommon for people to pull away when you're grieving your child, often they don't know what to say, so think nothing is better. It's not great, but it's really common unfortunately.

With regards to the rest of it, you should probably put in equal effort for their birthdays as they do with you.

takealettermsjones · 01/08/2021 20:48

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I think it's normal for them not to be thinking of it as much as you are. Put them out of your mind as much as you can, and consider dropping your own effort levels down to match theirs.

Notaroadrunner · 01/08/2021 21:05

So sorry for your loss @Journeylikenomother . I agree that they won't necessarily be counting the months and therefore won't be thinking of a 6 month anniversary - I have also been through this and wouldn't have expected it. However the lack of communication from them is shit and that would upset me - That and the lack of thought for your birthday. If I were you I would just stop sending cards and gifts to them now - let Dh send a text if he wants to acknowledge their birthday.

While they may find it difficult to know how to react to you both after losing your precious baby, there are many support groups that they could contact in order to find tips on ways to support you, even from abroad. I'd be very reluctant to travel to see them tbh and I'd tell them why. Look after yourselves and your mental health - that's your priority.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 01/08/2021 21:15

I'm so sorry for your loss, but yes, expecting them to remember the 6 month anniversary of your child's birth is unreasonable, their actual birthday yes, I'd expect them to remember that though. I'm sorry.

Hyppogriff · 01/08/2021 21:21

So sorry for your loss - how awful.
Trying to be objective and gentle but i don’t think you can expect them to realise it’s 6 months - a year possibly but most people dont recognise 6 months after things and you are being oversensitive (understandably of course in the circumstances).
Also re your birthday sounds like you got a card if I read that right - that should be enough I think!

FrankButchersDickieBow · 01/08/2021 21:21

So sorry for your loss OP. Might be a mixture of awkwardness and being a bit rubbish at communication.

I learned a long time ago, that my in-laws aren't interested in anything that doesn't affect them directly and I've learned to not be hurt by it, or even give it a second thought to be honest.

Think of yourselves as a separate family unit and look after yourselves 💐

Sceptre86 · 01/08/2021 21:26

If most of the communication is via your dh then you are being unreasonable for them to reach put to you personally. They may well mark the 1st anniversary, contact you at that point or they might not. From an outside perspective it is very handled to know how to approach someone who is grieving. I didn't mark any such dates when my sil had late miscarriages and wouldn't mention her lost babies unless she did. Not to hurt her on purpose but because I genuinely thought she wouldn't want to talk about them. As you live abroad they may feel detached from your grief as they haven't seen you crying or in pain, not an excuse of course just a possible explanation.

It is a shame they didn't get you a gift though when they do normally, yanbu to be hurt by that.

I am so very sorry for your loss and hope you find the support you need elsewhere.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 01/08/2021 21:26

I’m so sorry for your loss
So many people just don’t know how to talk to bereaved parents about the loss of their much wanted baby.
I wouldn’t expect them to acknowledge a 6 month milestone tough, in the same way that people wouldn’t acknowledge a 6 month milestone of a parent, grandparent or any other loved one.
They also have a physical distance so a case of out of sight out of mind.

My PIL never sent more than a birthday card & BIL & SIL didn’t ever send a card so I wouldn’t be upset about that - or are you saying they usually put more of an effort in? Maybe they thought you would prefer low key in the circumstances?

LawnFever · 01/08/2021 21:28

I’m so sorry for your loss, I really feel for you.

In the kindest possible way, I don’t think six months is an anniversary that other people will remember in the same way you will.

I’m truly sorry this has caused you more hurt, but I don’t think expecting them to mark six months is reasonable.

I really hope you and your husband are able to support each other, but I don’t think this specifically is something you should hold against his family.

Original poster

Journeylikenomother · 01/08/2021 21:36

Thank you all for such honest replies, especially about marking the 6 month milestone. I think it probably wouldn't have bothered me so much had the all round communication been better from them and had they not ignored my birthday this year.

I find it all so odd and most of all I am sad for my DH. I've loved being part of this family but since losing our baby I feel like they'd rather have nothing to do with me. as if it's more convenient to forget this sad branch of the family.

Thankfully, my family have been good and our friends have been simply wonderful. We are both very lucky there.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 21:36

@Fullofglee

Alot of people don't know what to say when it comes to someone losing a baby who was stillborn, I think the fact you leave abroad makes it more harder than in person.

This. When my second son was stillborn people crossed the street to avoid me because they were completely at a loss.

If you’re a long way away and you haven’t seen them in person, it’s even more difficult for them because they have no idea how you want them to treat you. Supporting someone in our position is very difficult because it’s just so sensitive and so individual. It’s definitely not because they don’t care.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially so far away from your family. I hope it’s a comfort to know it does get easier to bear and you won’t always feel the pain as acutely as you do now. 💐

Dillydollydingdong · 01/08/2021 21:42

They've moved away slightly because they don't know what to say, and they would prefer not to think about it, as it's hurtful. When you have another baby I'm sure they'll be delighted, and happy to celebrate with you.

Winwins · 01/08/2021 21:49

@Dillydollydingdong

That last bit was the part that p*ed me off mode when we lost our son. In-laws did nothing to support DH, didn’t remember the anniversary of our son’s birth or anything. They just didn’t want to know. Soon wanted to know when we had a living grandchild to offer though. Its been a long time but I still get angry at them when I think about it.

Antinerak · 01/08/2021 22:01

As much as it would be lovely of them to offer support for the milestone it's unlikely they would be thinking of it as you are. I lost a baby too and every Thursday I would remember how many weeks it had been. But no one else did because they didn't experience it as closely as me. It's really difficult to understand that the worst thing in your life isn't theirs, and that their life carries on as normal. They could be thinking of you often but don't know how to talk to you about it.

Have you sought any counselling or therapy to help you? Friends and family are excellent support but someone impartial may help you come to terms with your loss and how others experienced it too. A friend of mine spoke to Samaritans after she suffered a MC- she's not religious and wasn't suicidal but there was someone who could listen to her and let her vent and it really helped her get some perspective on it.

Taliskerskye · 01/08/2021 22:02

There is no way people remember 6 month anniversary’s.
I’m sorry for your loss, but you cannot rely on people to pick up random anniversary’s. If they have been generally shit then that’s a different matter.
My friends have in tough times checked in on me randomly. Which i appreciate more

But obvs this isn’t about 6 months.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 22:04

didn’t remember the anniversary of our son’s birth or anything

This illustrates perfectly how easy it is for those who love us to get it wrong. I’d have been beside myself if anyone had marked mine in any way. The last thing I wanted was other people remembering and rubbing salt in the wound of the first birthday we couldn’t celebrate.

alexdgr8 · 01/08/2021 22:08

so sorry for your loss.
but these in-laws sound like fair-weather friends basically.
don;t let them upset you.
all the best.

Guineapigbridge · 01/08/2021 22:23

I think sometimes if you want support you gave to ask for it. To not ask, then complain about it, is passive aggressive and unhelpful.
If you want to grieve with them, call them. There's this odd thing in psychology that people like you more when you ask them for help.

Shellfishblastard · 01/08/2021 22:26

YANBU to expect or seek out more support from family. You most likely know that you would offer them far more support if any of them were in the same horrendous situation that you are in.

However, I’ve sadly learned over the years that you just cannot control how other people behave, how they react or treat you.

It might help if you just lower your expectations of them - quite sad really but clearly you can’t really count on them

Notaroadrunner · 02/08/2021 15:14

@Dillydollydingdong

Wow, way to go to make the op feel better. Family will be delighted to support you when you have another baby, just not now when you've suffered a terrible loss

If my family had behaved like that I'd have told them to fuck right off.

Cadent · 02/08/2021 15:17

Stop getting the ungrateful twats presents.

Let DH get them a card but you step right out if it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. They may not be able to talk about baby loss but they are utter cunts for not getting you a gift on your birthday, it was a perfect excuse to do something extra for you.

Are the takers, OP? IME these people only want more and more and don't reciprocate.

CurbsideProphet · 02/08/2021 15:21

If your sister in laws were both friendly before your baby was still born it is very sad that they aren't even sending a little "just checking in" text. It's not the same I know, but when I had an early miscarriage the 1 friend I told would text every few days, then once a week literally "just checking in". She told me afterwards had googled and read advice on mumsnet for how to support me best. I was very touched that she was thinking of me.

I'm very glad your own family and friends have been supportive

Cameleongirl · 02/08/2021 15:21

It might help if you just lower your expectations of them - quite sad really but clearly you can’t really count on them.

This^^. I also had to accept that DH’s family aren’t really there for me ( they would be for DH) after my Mum died and they simply didn’t acknowledge it, literally avoided me for months. It’s hurtful, but you need to lower your expectations and rely on your own family and friends instead.
I’m so sorry for your loss.💐

CurbsideProphet · 02/08/2021 15:22

Oh I missed the part about them ignoring your birthday. That sounds hurtful, especially as you both always make an effort for everyone else

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