To expect more support from my in-laws?

[Journeylikenomother]

This weekend marked 6 months since our baby was stillborn. Not one of my in-laws have remembered and instead we've had a constant stream of them all on holidays and having fun all weekend.

Due to Covid, we haven't seen any of my husband's family since before I was pregnant (we live abroad). They occasionally call my husband but mostly the communication is up to him. He rarely complains but I know it bothers him they make such little effort. Until our baby died, I had a lovely friendship with two of my sisters in law but since they have distanced themselves...there was the odd text message but no one has ever picked up the phone to chat or check-in. I totally get babyloss is such unknown ground for them but AIBU to expect more from family?

As we live abroad, DH and I make sure to make a big effort with birthdays - always a gift, card and a phone call for adults and kids. My birthday last week and a card from parents in law but that was it, despite one of the kids having a birthday the day before mine (so should have been easy to remember). This upset DH more than me!

We are hoping to travel to see everyone in September but I just don't know how I'll be able to hold it together around them when they've been so shit.

AIBU to expect more from them?

I doubt they realised the 6 month anniversary, but they absolutely should be giving you more support, and in particular should be supporting their son and brother through his tragic bereavement.

I reluctantly voted YABU because I’m so sorry for your loss and you aren’t really being unreasonable but while they could have been better, they have not behaved terribly.

I wouldn’t expect them to note, remember or mark the 6 month anniversary and the distance and Covid also play a part.

So many people really don’t know what to do for the best and do nothing for fear of getting it wrong, and of course that is getting it wrong.

Can you feel rightly disappointed but choose to forgive on the basis that there is no evidence of malice?

Very few friends checked in with me when my youngest suffered catastrophic brain injury at birth and was facing serious disability and uncertainty as to survival. None of them were parents themselves and we were in our twenties. I lived some distance away and it was before social media. We are still friends. One of two expressed guilt many years later out if the blue.

they have not behaved terribly.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself accepting OP's thoughtfully sent presents and then not getting her a present is very bad behaviour.

So sorry OP.
Such a devastating loss.

Yes theybsound very poor.
Lowering your expectations will help.

Don't feel obligated to stay with them if you feel it would be easier not to.
Do whatever is easiest for you and your husband.

Visiting but having your own place to retreat to is great, if you can afford it.

The best advice I ever got was once from my father and once, several years later, from a very respected boss "If you have expectations, expect to be disappointed" True to this day!

@Winwins I agree with you there... I think I would find it very difficult if they suddenly reappeared to cheer on another pregnancy or child. Our lost children deserve to be cherished and remembered too.

I can't help but think that the fact none of them actually saw me pregnant, saw my bump, etc, probably makes it less real somehow for them.