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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking the fact I haven't met his family is a red flag

47 replies

tokyolit · 01/08/2021 18:22

DP and I met 6 months ago, whilst I'm aware it's still early days we see each other a lot and it's been wonderful so far. We currently live separately but have spoken about the future a lot and how we see one another in it. He has his own property whereas I am renting so he has suggested me moving in later on this year. Socially he's met and been out with my friends as a group and they all love him. I have met a couple of DP's friends already and there are upcoming plans to meet some others who are further away. We don't live in the UK and most of my family are either in a different country or a very long journey away, however, I've spoken about how I'd love for him to come and visit my home country to meet my parents as soon as we're able to travel there.

Meanwhile DP has a huge family who he is incredibly close with and the majority of them live nearby, so sees and speaks to them often. Family have visited his house, he's been to various family gatherings over the summer and there hasn't been a single mention of me being invited. I previously assumed perhaps it was too early days in his mind, but we're now at the stage where he's told me he loves me, sees a future and wants me to love in with him, so this doesn't match up.

Today he has called to say he is going to have to cancel our plans for all of next weekend as his brother is throwing a party to celebrate his wedding anniversary and he's going to drive there and will stay for the whole weekend (it's not a long journey - in reality he could have easily stayed just for 1 night so he still could have seen me on the Sunday for instance).

I don't want to cause problems but I'm starting to feel a bit hurt and concerned about why he doesn't seem willing to introduce me to his family. I know for sure that at least some of them know about me as I've heard him speak about me on the phone to them when I've been staying with him. AIBU for feeling concerned at this point in time and wanting to raise it, or is it still too early to expect an introduction?

OP posts:
MiaRoma · 01/08/2021 18:24

I'd ask him if you could go along as you would love to meet his family. See what he says.

RedMarauder · 01/08/2021 18:26

Tell him how you feel.

If he is planning a future with you he should have no problem mentioning you to at least some members of his family.

SpringRainbow · 01/08/2021 18:29

Have you ever spoken to him about meeting his family?

BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 18:29

Bit odd but I agree, nothing wrong with asking. From how you say your relationship is going it would almost be weirder for you not to ask.

Iwonder08 · 01/08/2021 18:32

6 months is really not that long. It is also not a great idea to get introduce to the entire extended family all together, perhaps he is a private person in general and doesn't want to introduce you until there is a reason to do so. Why are you so in hurry to meet them?

SpeedRunParent · 01/08/2021 18:32

I'd ask him why. It doesn't have to be accusatory, just a simple question.
Maybe he is ashamed if his family for some reason, or thinks you will not get with them because of cultural differences. Perhaps he just feels that if he introduces you to the family they will overwhelm him and interfere, not letting him build the relationship in his own way at his own speed. Who knows. You may as well ask rather than wonder / worry. Be prepared to hear an answer you may not like though, if he has kept you away from them so far it might not be comfortable for him to be questioned about it.

Hilda40 · 01/08/2021 18:33

Are you from a differently culture, religion or ethnicity?

Hegartyhell · 01/08/2021 18:35

Either he is embarrassed by them or he comes from a very rich family and wants to make sure you love him for who he is. Could this be it?

Original poster
tokyolit · 01/08/2021 18:37

are you from a differently culture, religion or ethnicity?

Yes we are, which is probably why I'm a bit more concerned.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 18:37

I'd also ask if I could tag along. It seems strange to mention you moving in but not to take you to a family party.

Aprilshowers91 · 01/08/2021 18:38

Maybe he’s still trying to make a good impression and is worried family will burst the balloon?

I didn’t meet my boyfriends Mother for a year and thought it was suspicious. When I finally did she was really strange, lots of over sharing, embarrassing stories and emotional outbursts. My boyfriend was visibly uncomfortable the entire evening. I realised he’d been hiding her from me, rather than the other way around!!!

Original poster
tokyolit · 01/08/2021 18:40

Either he is embarrassed by them or he comes from a very rich family and wants to make sure you love him for who he is. Could this be it?

He thinks very highly of his family, he speaks very openly about them and I don't believe it would be this. Him and his family have money but I already know this and I'm successful in my own right.

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 01/08/2021 18:45

180 days you've known him. He isn't a darling partner. He's dating you. You might be getting ahead of yourself here.

FairFuming · 01/08/2021 18:46

Thats very odd but none of us can tell you why he's not introduced you yet.

You're going to have to talk to him, hopefully it's nothing that serious and he just hasn't got round to it yet.

Peace43 · 01/08/2021 18:46

Have you mentioned meeting his family? I’d expect him to at least be able to discuss it with you. I wouldn’t move in with a guy who hadn’t introduced me to his folks and vis-a-versa.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 01/08/2021 18:49

I'd think he is either ashamed in some way of his family, ashamed of me or he's lied about something and worries about being rumbled.

WildBurd · 01/08/2021 18:56

I think 6 months is very early in a relationship! It's practically still dating/getting to know each other territory.

I didn't introduce my DP to family until we had been together over a year.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 01/08/2021 19:27

@tokyolit

are you from a differently culture, religion or ethnicity?

Yes we are, which is probably why I'm a bit more concerned.

Well then you know the reason so?
Pebbledashery · 01/08/2021 19:41

Maybe he's treading carefully due to an ex partner he's not told you about.

sandragreen · 01/08/2021 19:45

I would imagine his family are dreadful racists then Sad

Is your name obviously from a different culture/ethnicity from theirs OP?

sopositivelynegative · 01/08/2021 19:50

I wouldn't bring you either - it's his brother's celebration, and it's a huge gathering. I would introduce you to a couple of people at a time, so it would be less intimidating for everyone!

In your shoes, I'd be inclined to wish him a good time but to casually mention you'd love to meet his brother some other time when there's a bit less going on, and see how he reacts.

FunMcCool · 01/08/2021 19:52

Hmm I’d be upset by this.

2bazookas · 01/08/2021 19:52

I wouldn't move in with him until you've met the family.

As you're from another country, maybe some of his family members are xenophobes . If that's the case, I'd want to know before committing to a life and possibly children together.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/08/2021 19:54

I think it’s too early too, six months is barely anything.

2bazookas · 01/08/2021 19:55

@Noshowwithoutpunch

I'd think he is either ashamed in some way of his family, ashamed of me or he's lied about something and worries about being rumbled.
Don't even think of moving in while you still have those kinds of doubts and suspicions.