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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking the fact I haven't met his family is a red flag

47 replies

tokyolit · 01/08/2021 18:22

DP and I met 6 months ago, whilst I'm aware it's still early days we see each other a lot and it's been wonderful so far. We currently live separately but have spoken about the future a lot and how we see one another in it. He has his own property whereas I am renting so he has suggested me moving in later on this year. Socially he's met and been out with my friends as a group and they all love him. I have met a couple of DP's friends already and there are upcoming plans to meet some others who are further away. We don't live in the UK and most of my family are either in a different country or a very long journey away, however, I've spoken about how I'd love for him to come and visit my home country to meet my parents as soon as we're able to travel there.

Meanwhile DP has a huge family who he is incredibly close with and the majority of them live nearby, so sees and speaks to them often. Family have visited his house, he's been to various family gatherings over the summer and there hasn't been a single mention of me being invited. I previously assumed perhaps it was too early days in his mind, but we're now at the stage where he's told me he loves me, sees a future and wants me to love in with him, so this doesn't match up.

Today he has called to say he is going to have to cancel our plans for all of next weekend as his brother is throwing a party to celebrate his wedding anniversary and he's going to drive there and will stay for the whole weekend (it's not a long journey - in reality he could have easily stayed just for 1 night so he still could have seen me on the Sunday for instance).

I don't want to cause problems but I'm starting to feel a bit hurt and concerned about why he doesn't seem willing to introduce me to his family. I know for sure that at least some of them know about me as I've heard him speak about me on the phone to them when I've been staying with him. AIBU for feeling concerned at this point in time and wanting to raise it, or is it still too early to expect an introduction?

OP posts:

FastFood · 01/08/2021 19:56

I think it took me more than 2 years to introduce my partner to my mum.

I've never been introduced to his, fine by me, different culture and honestly I can deal without having in laws.
For me it's just the best, I don't like to mix my love life with family.

Guavafish · 01/08/2021 20:00

Give it more time.

You sound like your getting serious if your moving in together. I’m sure you’ll meet them soon and I suspect you’ll be seeing a lot more of them that you would like. I won’t worry and enjoy dating/time together.

Standrewsschool · 01/08/2021 20:02

Why don’t you invite them over. Suggest a barbecue or a meal out. Be proactive. Maybe not meeting them all at once, but a couple at a time.

LemonLymanDotCom · 01/08/2021 20:11

Six months is way too early to be stressing about this. Golly, I didn’t introduce my OH to DM for 18 months. He still hasn’t met DF. I like keeping my personal life out of the interfering clutches of family members.

My DBs OH was stressing about not meeting the family after 6 months. Seemed odd to me. Like she felt she had to ‘meet the family’ in order to validate their relationship or something.

H8theW8 · 01/08/2021 20:15

I'd find this a bit strange too OP. If you haven't already, tell him you'd like to meet his family as he's spoken so highly of them and they sound lovely. If he makes excuses or dismisses the idea outright then I'd be very dubious.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 20:21

Your relationship is still very new, and you need to believe his actions, not his words. He is clearly not ready for you to meet his family. If he were, you would have already.

user1471457751 · 01/08/2021 20:27

@sandragreen do you always jump to the most extreme, offensive conclusions? Absolutely nothing has been said to indicate his family are massive racists. Stop trying to stir trouble.

Dancedancedancedancedance · 01/08/2021 20:29

It’s possibly somewhat early but... yes I can see you’re mystified.

Just ask him!

AuntieStella · 01/08/2021 20:39

I think meeting local family at about the six month point if it's all looking promising sounds reasonable.

So next time he talks about seeing some of them, say 'that sounds fun, when will I get to meet them?' and see what he says.

It could be as simple with this one that he feels awkward about bringing an extra person to someone else's party, even when it's family.

AlternativePerspective · 01/08/2021 20:41

It’s all very well saying they’ve only been together for 6 months so it’s too soon, but this isn’t casual dating we’re talking about here, they’re talking about moving in together soon, and still he hasn’t introduced the OP to his family, cancels plans with the OP to go and see his family while she’s not invited.

How is that going to work if they’re living together then? Will he expect the OP to stay home in their joint house while he sees his family? Will he even tell them that they now live together?

There is absolutely no way I would move in with him if I hadn’t met his family. But tbh the talk of moving in together, things being serious etc while keeping you at arms length wrt his family life strikes me as lovebombing and I would back off slightly because IMO it’s only a matter of time until he runs cold.

Apeirogon · 01/08/2021 20:43

I wouldn't be too worried at six months, but I would hope it would be on the cards pretty soon. Maybe ask him?

BelleClapper · 01/08/2021 20:43

This made me laugh because my brother has been with his Gf for nearly a year and we’ve never met her. It’s not you, it’s them 🤣 We are huge, loud, political and probably arseholes. He is very private and doesn't want to inflict us on her.

Tell him you want to meet them!

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 20:45

@AlternativePerspective

How is that going to work if they’re living together then? Will he expect the OP to stay home in their joint house while he sees his family? Will he even tell them that they now live together?

I agree, and that's why I advised the op to believe his actions, not his words. He may very well just be saying what he thinks the op wants to hear.

Dancedancedancedancedance · 01/08/2021 20:46

THIS

yellowrosette · 01/08/2021 20:52

That's really unkind and shows a little more about your thinking than anything else. Why would you make someone feel self conscious about their name , as if that's a marker OP should now be wary of using in society.

yellowrosette · 01/08/2021 20:53

Argh, to the comment earlier about "they're probably awful racists/ is your name from a different culture".

Treacle200 · 01/08/2021 21:16

4 years down the line and not met my bf's family. He has met mine. Bf is a very private person. We had a conversation at around the 9 month mark where I asked him why I hadn't met them. He spent a couple of days thinking about it and then offered to arrange for us to go out for dinner. I was happy to leave it at that stage, knowing he would sort it if it bothered me was good enough. They know of my existence, and occasionally ask after me.

I hear all the drama in bf's family, I think he just wants to keep me out of it.

I guess initially I was concerned it meant a lack of commitment. I now understand that it's actually just for an easier life.

BackforGood · 01/08/2021 21:23

I think over the last 18months, the length of time you've been 'seeing' one another is a bit skewed. Obviously I don't know what country you are in, and what the regulations have been there, but I live in England, and we were mostly locked down from January to March. Even after March there were a lot of restrictions.
I don't think it is that strange that people haven't necessarily introduced new gf / bfs to families. My dd had been going out with (and living with - as they are students in the same flat) her new bf for 6 or 7 months before she even mentioned him to us.

OTOH, if his family live locally and tend to be around his house and he theirs, I'm surprised your paths haven't crossed even in a casual "I'm just stopping off at my brother's to borrow a XYZ" sort of way.

As other posters, I'd want to have met them before considering doing anything rash like moving in though - what's the rush ?

WimpoleHat · 01/08/2021 21:28

Does seem a bit odd to me; surely if his brother throws a party and he’s cancelling your weekend plans, surely the most natural thing is to ask you to come along? Doesn’t have to be as “here’s my new life partner”, but just “this is my friend tokyolit”.

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2021 21:38

One of my friends never told her family about boyfriends even the one she eventually lived with (she lied and said she loved in house share with a girl as family were quite a drive away). She explained as soon as she introduced a boyfriend to the family there would be the expectation for them to get engaged and married asap. She wanted some breathing room and to decided what she wanted without pressure.

Tlems · 01/08/2021 21:44

I think if this was further down the relationship it would be a worry, but it is still a very early relationship, I'd ask him, it might be to do with the length of time rather than to do with different culture.

Itsbeen84yearss · 01/08/2021 22:04

Can’t believe people are telling you to ask if you can tag along! Nope. He’s cancelled you. You’re not a priority. It’s his brother’s anniversary? Come on… Men who cancel plans, don’t bring you into their ‘world’ quite quickly don’t see you as a long term prospect. You’re ‘ok for now’ but going by his behaviour this weekend I’d say he’s embarked on a slow fade already.

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