Frustrated people don’t understand

[QueensGambit10]

NC, thanks in advance for reading if you make it through this, it’s mental health related but also AIBU.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for over 10 years now, I’m mid 20s and in recent years I’ve used drugs and alcohol more than ever. It’s definitely an issue but no one can really tell it’s an issue beyond I ‘go out too much instead of focusing on other things’. My life is a mess and long story short I’ve been suicidal for years, attempted twice.

Here’s my Aibu. I understand that I can’t be wrapped in cotton wool and let off for everything I do self destructive/hurting others for the rest of my life. But I feel no one ever cuts me slack for how difficult everything is for me, holding a job, relationships etc. But if I were to actually have a successful attempt would they wish they had gone easier on me? No one seems to care at all and they never ever think to say ‘I know xyz is hard for you’ instead of ‘you’ve messed xyz up again’.

I sound entitled but I just wish my mental illnesses were taken seriously because I can’t function as a normal adult would and I get that I seem to only make things difficult for myself but any other illness wouldn’t be thought of this way. AIBU?

Sorry to hear you struggle with your mental health. What do you do to alleviate that other than self-medicate?

IME, people don't have a lot of sympathy with others if they don't feel they make any effort to help themselves. I'm not passing judgement on whether that's right or wrong - it's just an observation.

Also it's easy not to put yourself in someone else's shoes. People look at other people's lives and think 'well, my life is just as difficult in that I've suffered bereavement/break ups/poverty etc. and I'm managing to cope so why can't they?

People are judged on their responses to life events. If yours aren't seen as any more troubling than 'just life' you won't necessarily get any sympathy.

Also there's not necessarily a connection between mental health problems and a lack of competence. Some of the most stoical people I know have terrible mental health problems.

I understand that I can’t be wrapped in cotton wool and let off for everything I do self destructive/hurting others for the rest of my life

This jumped out at me. Being unwell doesn't mean you hurt others.

Do you have a personality disorder that makes you hard to be around?

I'm so, so sorry you're experiencing poor mental health. I don't think people need to 'cut you some slack' I think you need to get the help you need so that you can be the person you want to be and then noone needs to cut anyone slack.

What exactly do you mean by cut you some slack anyway? You need to be specific.

Idon't think people need to 'cut you some slack' I think you need to get the help you need so that you can be the person you want to be and then noone needs to cut anyone slack.

I agree with this, before my sister was sectioned she was very challenging to live with. We all tried to empathise, but it's hard for several people to revolve their life around one. Thankfully she received the support she needed, and although things aren't easy by any means for her, they are a lot better. I think its hard for them to fully understand things from your perspective, but also probably hard to comprehend theirs from your end. Please do reach out for support, it will be more effective than self medicating.

who do you mean though? family, friends or employers?

Can you give a little more detail about what you mean?

Your post reminded me of someone I used to work with who kept moaning 'why don't they understand I'm a single parent?'

By this she meant that she wanted to leave school (both teachers) at 3 30 to pick up her child and expected the rest of us to cover her work as well as ours, to be excused from staff meetings and any after school events.

You can't expect others to be constantly inconvenienced/work harder/ put up with bad behaviour even if you do have a mental health problem.

Sorry up this sounds harsh but you are asking for opinions!!

I should imagine people want you to behave differently because they don't like seeing you hurt yourself or hurt them.

You find behaving differently difficult so instead want them to make allowances for you.

Like Puffalicious I think the key to this is you getting the proper help you need.

What are you doing for help? Do you have a diagnosis?

I don’t allow anyone to treat me poorly regardless of mental health difficulties. I don’t treat people poorly in spite of my own.

If you aren’t actively seeking help and doing the things you need to to improve your situation then YABU.

What are you doing to take responsibility for your behaviours and your medical treatment? Taking drugs and drinking certainly isn't helping.

I understand that I can’t be wrapped in cotton wool and let off for everything I do self destructive/hurting others for the rest of my life. But I feel no one ever cuts me slack for how difficult everything is for me, holding a job, relationships etc.

How much abuse do you think people should be willing to tolerate from you?

also, please be mindful everyone else may well be going through their own issues, they might be good at hiding it. you never really know....so cutting YOU some slack might be hard when thats all they also want for themselves

Dear OP,

Mental illness is so hard. Some people will never understand what you are going through and why you act in ways, that to them, are anything from irritating to downright offensive.

If you want advice? The best thing you can do, and I've got about 20 years on you, is get a good therapist that you gel with. Someone that doesn't take any nonsense from you but who supports you and helps you to see what's going on outside of your fears and obsessions. Who, hopefully, likes you and shows you your good points and how valuable you are. Advocate for yourself but don't be difficult with Drs etc, it's not personal and they are mostly doing their best under difficult circumstances. My Psychiatrist has admitted to me before that they are often just flinging stuff with good intentions and hope something sticks, they wish they knew more about mental illness. With this in mind then I understand why lay-people, family/ friends etc struggle to deal with mental illness.

You have a lifetime of this ahead, so get tough, establish your boundaries and control yourself. Dont let anyone make you feel shitty and be a person you are proud of. Care for yourself. If you have a (diagnosed) condition then you are probably in for a wild ride so learn to enjoy the good times and to batten down the hatches in the bad times. Be personally responsible but cut yourself some slack, be realistic about your capabilities and enjoy yourself. NEVER victimise yourself. Yes, it's hard to keep all the plates spinning, harder for you than others, but do it - and take pride in that. Don't place expectations on others, they'll likely let you down so trust yourself, do what's right for you and manage your reactions. Drama of any kind is your enemy.

Just some stuff I've learned
I wish you all the best xx

It sounds like you’re fighting a daily battle that is invisible to others and that you want kindness and recognition from your loved ones, for how much effort you put into your days. You should be proud that you’re intelligent enough to have worked out what some of the big issues in your life are and to decide to actively seek solutions. There are people who give in to their addictions, or problems and wait for someone to save them.
In your case, you’re taking responsibility by questioning what you need to overcome and what you need to achieve that. To me that sounds like a big victory in itself.
I read recently that one mistake we make as humans, is to expect our nearest and dearest to be able to read our minds, as in “they should know that”, when of course none of us can. Maybe tell them of your difficulties and list the things you’re proud of achieving. Remind yourself daily of all of your successes, however minor they seem, so that you’re not totally reliant on someone else to build you up. Make fair, but direct requests of your loved ones, to get the support that you need. Keep taking responsibility for yourself and vocalising what you need and it seems to me that as long as you’re doing that, you’re moving towards your goal of a better life.

Do you have a diagnosis? It can be so helpful to enable you to understand why you behave the way you do and for others to understand you to, I'd really recommend it if you don't already have a diagnosis.

Once you get a diagnosis then you can also hopefully get the correct support or medication to help you rather self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I think you desperately need counselling to help you feel listened to and understood. I think you also have to remember that as much as you're struggling, the people who appear not to care are probably also struggling - they may have no idea how to help you.

Perhaps you could tell them what you are going to do to try to help yourself in a positive way and what they could do to help and support you in a positive way .

@PyjamaFan

Can you give a little more detail about what you mean?

Your post reminded me of someone I used to work with who kept moaning 'why don't they understand I'm a single parent?'

By this she meant that she wanted to leave school (both teachers) at 3 30 to pick up her child and expected the rest of us to cover her work as well as ours, to be excused from staff meetings and any after school events.

You can't expect others to be constantly inconvenienced/work harder/ put up with bad behaviour even if you do have a mental health problem.

Sorry up this sounds harsh but you are asking for opinions!!

Being a single parent is not the same as having a mental health problem.

Obviously.

With respect OP, as someone who lived with a person with MH issues for many, many years, it's extremely hard to support someone they way they need to be supported and always be in a state of sympathy. I think you probably know that, by nature, depression and stress can sometimes go hand in hand with being unpleasant to others, or being selfish and when someone puts up with that day after day it gets very hard to not actually take on some different tacts towards them. I found in supporting the person with MH issues, they at no point had any regard for my MH issues that arose from being a pillar of support. There is a really fine line between sympathy and enabling, IMO. I don't know what the solution is - MH support (for both sufferers and their support network) is woefully inadequate and it's often like the blind leading the blind. There's no easy answer, sorry

IME if you give someone with certain mental health issues an inch they'll take a mile.

Some people use their own struggles as an excuse to be selfish, abusive, etc.

Do you have a diagnosis? I think it's really important to understand what's going on yourself before you can expect others to.
Once you understand your own illness, you can learn to manage it and balance it along with your doctor, and can explain to people why you know your behaviour isn't quite 'right' but why it happens and what you're doing to help yourself.

It's really easy to blame others for not cutting you some slack, but there's a very good chance they're battling things you don't know about either.

OP I kind of know what you mean in terms of 'cutting some slack'.

Nowadays people talk a lot about neurodiversity.

It may well be that your brain just works differently than some other peoples.

You have a disabilty, and although it can be difficult for people to accept, if you have had it for a while, then according to the law you should be entitled to 'reasonable adjustments'. Which may mean you have the space to do things a little differently.

It doesn't mean you achieve less than other people just that with the right conditions you can be the best you can be.

Some people don't get disabilities and some don't get mental health issues, despite all the talk there is around them nowadays.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you really can’t live your life thinking ‘Well, they’d be sorry if I did end it all, and wish they’d gone easier on me!’

You’ve been dealt some tough stuff, but you’re ultimately responsible for getting the help you need to become someone who is no longer self-destructive or who hurts others — who will, don’t forget, have their own stuff to deal with. It’s not you with MH issues vs the rest of the world with none. Do the people around you know your diagnosis, for instance?

But I feel no one ever cuts me slack for how difficult everything is for me, holding a job, relationships etc

What are you doing to help yourself manage to deal with ordinary normal life?

If you are over-indulging in alcohol & drugs, why don't you try to cut back or stop, and get proper help? Alcoholics Anonymous might help?

You need to seek proper assistance to work out why normal life is not possible for you. People aren't likely to cut you slack or consider your situation sympathetically unless you try to do something to help heal yourself.

Do you know the cause of your mental illness? Is it organic (eg bipolar), or was it precipitated by trauma? (Many people with a mental illness are actually victims of abuse in childhood).

What have you done that has hurt other people?

What mental illnesses do you have?

And are you having therapy/being medicated/seeking help for your illnesses?

beigebrownblue with all respect, MH problems are not a disability. MH problems do not make you neurodiverse. The OP may be neurodiverse or haveva disability as well, but haven't mentioned it and we don't know that.

My DS has ASD, ADHD and epilepsy: he is neurodiverse and has a disability but doesn't have a MH issue, they are completely distinct situations and it is offensive to many if you suggest otherwise.

How much abuse do you think people should be willing to tolerate from you?

Quite. You sound as though you put yourself first middle and last and are frustrated with people for not understanding your endless problems whilst you treat them like dirt.

Most people do manage work and relationships without abusing relatives and needing someone to hold their fucking hand.

Genuine mental illness doesn't make someone a bitch to be around. They do that on their own.

You might get more sympathy and understanding if you share what is actually wrong with you. Just saying you struggle with your mental health is very vague. If I just said I struggle with my physical health I could mean anything between I have untreatable terminal cancer to I have an ingrowing toenail.

I am bipolar. I have worked INCREDIBLY hard through intensive counselling and psychotherapy to get to the place I am now. My bipolar is most certainly caused by complex trauma from my childhood. And me unlocking all of my issues and intentionally trying to improve my mental health and behaviour by addressing past trauma has been the best investment I have ever made.

My daughter has emotional unstable personality disorder. No doubt due to the erratic parenting from before I tried to heal myself. But also from sexual abuse she was subjected to by a friend parent as a young girl. She is not ready or doesn't want to even take the first step on the sort of journey that I undertook. Because it's hard work. Because it's going to take ages. But mostly because you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Yes my past was absolutely shit. But I can choose to try and act differently. Yes I fuck up. Then I pick myself up and brush myself off, apologises to people I've hurt and try again. My daughter can't even say sorry. And she is such hard work. Everything is a drama. Everything is terrible and nothing is her fault. She's a total bitch at times and lashed out and tries to make people hurt as much as she is going. It is EXHAUSTING . So no. I don't make excuses for her terrible behaviour. The simple truth is that she doesn't WANT to get better because it's bloody hard. It's actually much much easier for her to stay the way she is.

Ask yourself honestly op. Are you like me? Or like her?