Frustrated people don’t understand

[QueensGambit10]

NC, thanks in advance for reading if you make it through this, it’s mental health related but also AIBU.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for over 10 years now, I’m mid 20s and in recent years I’ve used drugs and alcohol more than ever. It’s definitely an issue but no one can really tell it’s an issue beyond I ‘go out too much instead of focusing on other things’. My life is a mess and long story short I’ve been suicidal for years, attempted twice.

Here’s my Aibu. I understand that I can’t be wrapped in cotton wool and let off for everything I do self destructive/hurting others for the rest of my life. But I feel no one ever cuts me slack for how difficult everything is for me, holding a job, relationships etc. But if I were to actually have a successful attempt would they wish they had gone easier on me? No one seems to care at all and they never ever think to say ‘I know xyz is hard for you’ instead of ‘you’ve messed xyz up again’.

I sound entitled but I just wish my mental illnesses were taken seriously because I can’t function as a normal adult would and I get that I seem to only make things difficult for myself but any other illness wouldn’t be thought of this way. AIBU?

I think that saying you can't function like other adults is tricky - I've worked with a large number of people with a range of MH and neurodisability issues and I have very rarely met someone who couldn't function and needed fulltime care. I have met lots of people who had to work twice as hard as others to function, and lots of people who had their lives limited by their illness or disability. I wonder if this is closer to what you mean?

The (possibly slightly harsh) reality is that there is no mh disorder that causes you to hurt others. There are difficulties that make emotions harder to manage, certainly, but it remains your responsibly not to hurt the people around you.

I think the pps advice to find a therapist you gel with is really good.

My daughter has a mental health issue. She is hard to live with and yes we spark off each other sometimes as a result. I try to help... the only acceptable help seems to be sitting with her, holding her and agreeing with her. Numbers 1 and 2 I have no problem with ... agreeing... not so much, but either have to choose enabling or disagreeing , followed with subsequent melt downs.

You need to realise no one has a manual to any of this stuff... People make mistakes, no one is "in charge" all the time. You have to tell people what you need them to do to help, but be aware they might not be able to... or even want to.

we sought help as a family the day that I was sitting on the floor waiting for an ambulance (heart attack) and she was sitting beside me, and I was comforting her and talking her down from a meltdown because my physical health issue was causing her mental health issues.

I just felt there and then "it's not always about you, my love, if you can't think about your mum when the ambulance is coming, we need help"

I hope you are getting the help you need, things have got much better here as a result of a very good counsellor.

I used to think that I was the only one who was depressed, the only one suffering from crippling social anxiety, and I would look around and be jealous of everyone else who was "normal" and obviously couldn't understand what I was feeling, and how everyone else just flitted through life so easily and how unfair it all was.

This was of course massively incorrect and very self-centered.

I sought therapy, finally, when I started imagining solving my problem by crashing my car into a tree, and was medicated and learned that despite my issues, I am responsible for how I deal with me, and EVERYONE ELSE has their own unique difficulties, even those who don't appear to. Also that in order to overcome things, you have to get out of your personal rut and have the courage to change.

Or as my very wise brother in law says, "If you want to change, then you have to change." In other words, you have put in the effort; it can't be done for you.

In order to get better, you will of course need to stop "self-medicating" as that makes it all much worse, you need to take the initiative of making mental health appointments and taking responsibility for you, and stop assuming like I did that everyone else has it easier than you do.

Even for you to think "oh, will people finally be sorrier for me if I do kill myself" is twisted thinking, to be honest, and certainly not how to go about having people finally feel sorry for you.

It's up to you if you want to get better.

Call someone Monday to get an appointment. Or keep feeling sorry for yourself and do nothing and continue to feel miserable.

It's up to you.

If you are already being treated and you are self-medicating, does your doctor know you're doing this?

@beigebrownblue

Yes obviously.

The OP just reminded me of this and I think it's relevant. May you're not quite bright enough to see that though?

So I'll spell if out.

Expecting other people to change their actions or behaviour or to work harder to make changes to suit the OP.

It's hard OP. It's the same for people with a physical health condition though. If it's long term then people just get used to it 'oh they're always ill' and lots of people are, as human nature, selfish and think of the impact on themselves first.

But its hard to say whether you're being unreasonable without knowing how you act and the extent of how your behaviour affects other people, who also have their own shit going on and might not have the capacity to provide the support you want or need on top. And you've not said what support you want.

I can see for example if your colleagues are picking up extra work regularly because you have to have lots of time off, and they see you going out drinking a lot, that their sympathy might be limited both because you're doing something that is making you worse and that impacts negatively on them

And me unlocking all of my issues and intentionally trying to improve my mental health and behaviour by addressing past trauma has been the best investment I have ever made.

Brava @fantastaballs You have such guts to do this.

I used to work with someone who was probably bipolar or a cyclical depressive, but they were in deep denial about their condition, and always had an excuse for not being able to do their job. The times we had to cover for them! They were not in therapy, kept changing their medication, or not taking them, and would not face up to the realities of living with a debilitating condition though talking therapy or occupational therapy. We grew gradually less & less sympathetic sadly.

Expecting everybody to alter their behaviour/expectations of you to allow you to behave as you please is not reasonable and will not make you better. There's no future in using drugs and alcohol as therapy. You need to decide if you want to take steps to make yourself better or to continue to treat people around you badly and expect them to still want to be around you. I lived with an alcoholic with complex MH issues for years and it is utterly, exhaustingly shit. The people you rely on need almost as much support as you do. Do not use MH issues as a reason to treat people who love and care about you badly. And do not, ever, use the threat of suicide to test them to show you how much they care.

I seem to only make things difficult for myself but any other illness wouldn’t be thought of this way. AIBU?

Actually, there are plenty of illnesses where people would very quickly lose patience and sympathy. An asthmatic who smokes and then moans about that they can't breathe. A type 1 diabetic who keeps eating chocolate and moans about their blood sugars being too high and all the repercussions of that. Someone who is morbidly obese who eats and eats and moans about how much their weight impacts their life. There are so many other illnesses that would cause people to just reach the point where they say, so what are doing about it to help yourself, no one else can do it for you?

I'm sorry it's so hard for you but it's really really tough for a lot of people. Maybe we all need to be a bit more understanding. I don't think people are very understanding of age-related difficulties at all. Or Aspergers, or people in chronic pain. Or people living under threat.

Most of us are just looking out for ourselves, trying to get through the day.

I'm sorry it's rough on you but how forgiving are you of others?

We seem to be in a state where we want everyone to make allowances for us but if our kid's teacher or the Dr receptionsit or the young girl on the till at Tesco says something we don't like we're out for blood. If we can't turn up for something because of our problems (and mental health is both a real reason and an excuse at the moment) we want "understanding" but if the plumber doesn't pitch up when he said he would or the restaurant we're eating lunch at is short-staffed and we have to wait for our food it's "leave a bad review - that'll teach them!"

So no OP YANBU - and I can see you're struggling. I hope people do make allowances. But I hope we all start to do better at that.

Like most people I struggle with my MH and appreciate when someone sometimes gives me a bit of allowance for it eg if I need to not go to an event like a meal out I hope they’re not going to have a go at me too much etc.

But I have a family member who struggles with their MH and there’s only so much she can use it as an excuse. Sometimes she is just difficult and using the MH card as an excuse to do/not do certain things.
In recent years a few of us have had to take a step back from her and let her make her own mistakes.

It’s difficult as I don’t know your situation but I would say there needs to be a balance. Yes people should make some allowances but you should also remember that most people suffer with MH issues and don’t hurt people.

I've just 'broken up' for want of a better term with a friend of 20 years because I got so fed up of the attitude that 'I have mental health issues and everything is so difficult and when I fuck up, everyone should understand cos MH issues'.

She wallows in self pity, fluctuates between self destructive and damaging behaviour when she doesn't want to do something, yet seems to manage the things she enjoys. She gets drunk or high and self harms or overdoses when someone isn't giving her the attention she thinks she's entitled to. I hate her partner but actually feel quite sorry for him.

I've been her friend for 20 years and I am devastated to have to walk away but there is nothing I can do to help her as she refuses to help herself.

Maybe people around you feel the same as me. I told myself I would stay with a romantic partner with those type of issues and have distanced myself from a family member with those issues. The only people I would still support unconditionally is my dcs.

Your mental health is your responsibility to manage as much as you can. If people think you are not doing all you can to keep yourself healthy, they are entitled to walk away or withdraw friendship and support.

IME, people don't have a lot of sympathy with others if they don't feel they make any effort to help themselves. I'm not passing judgement on whether that's right or wrong - it's just an observation.

This. If you won’t do anything to help yourself then I understand why nobody would cut you any slack.

I also don’t think people should be cutting you slack if you’re hurting them, because regardless of your issues that’s never okay.

I understand. I too have mental health issues and still struggle with people who seem to think I just need to pull myself together. A lot of people on here fe asking what you to do to help yourself, I find this intriguing as my experience is that when my MH is bad, I simply cannot help myself as I’m too unwell. So it’s about support networks and sadly MH support is woeful due to lack of funding. Do you have a care coordinator through your CMHT?

I think by help yourself people mean medication and therapy.

I've spent 18 years having different types of therapy and trying different medications. It took me a long time to find the correct medication.

But I know several people who don't even want to try medication or don't take it properly.

@Scutterbug

I understand. I too have mental health issues and still struggle with people who seem to think I just need to pull myself together. A lot of people on here fe asking what you to do to help yourself, I find this intriguing as my experience is that when my MH is bad, I simply cannot help myself as I’m too unwell. So it’s about support networks and sadly MH support is woeful due to lack of funding. Do you have a care coordinator through your CMHT?

But what do you do for yourself when you're not too unwell to help yourself? Do you never recognise that you need to seek help longer-term for your MH issues? Why do you find it intriguing that people who have shared their experiences of loving and living with people with MH issues have asked what the OP is doing to help herself? Unless sectioned, the only person who can help OP is herself. Nobody can, nor should be expected to, do it for her.

I mean it depends on what you’re expecting from people really.

Are you selfish and uncaring towards others and then blame it on mental health? Do you think you shouldn’t have to work and expect others and/or the state to keep you because you have mental health problems and therefore shouldn’t be expected to work?

There’s a mental health crisis ongoing and more people than ever are struggling, but you need to help yourself, stop the drugs and alcohol, live well and seek help. The first step has to be yours.

Well personally I have had CBT multiple times with no success. Had hypnotherapy but again, no success. I have tried sertraline, olanzapine, mirtazapine, quetiapine, risperidone, diazepam and each one has given me side effects that have meant I’ve had to stop. My CMHT have refused me therapy due to being too unstable. I’ve been sectioned several times. I can’t afford private therapy. Under my CMHT I have had 7 or 8 psychiatrists in less than two years. 4 care coordinators. Staff turnover is high, sickness levels are high, waiting lists are long. There’s no funding for many services required (for example our local day hospital has had to close). The services run erratically. So currently I am under the CMHT for the psychiatrist. I have to see my GP to collect the prescriptions (psych emails him to tell him what I need). I’m open to the home treatment team as I’m awaiting a hospital bed. The hospital bed however, is allocated by the bed management team, unnecessarily complicated.

Actually even with physical illnesses people don't have sympathy for long. I've had to support very close family members having cancer treatment and also longer term illnesses like MS and in ALL cases their friends and even most of our family were super helpful and understanding for about 2 minutes. Then they got bored and moved on.

People have their own lives and, in most cases, don't have a lot of time and energy to give others. And most people really do have a lot of shit going on that you don't know about. Life is pretty fucking hard work for most of us.

@ActonSquirrel

How much abuse do you think people should be willing to tolerate from you?

Quite. You sound as though you put yourself first middle and last and are frustrated with people for not understanding your endless problems whilst you treat them like dirt.

Most people do manage work and relationships without abusing relatives and needing someone to hold their fucking hand.

Genuine mental illness doesn't make someone a bitch to be around. They do that on their own.

Wow, that sounds very unsympathetic

www.gov.uk/when-mental-health-condition-becomes-disability

@puffalicious a mental health disorder can indeed be a disability.

Though it's unclear from this thread whether that applies to the OP or not.

@Puffalicious

beigebrownblue with all respect, MH problems are not a disability. MH problems do not make you neurodiverse. The OP may be neurodiverse or haveva disability as well, but haven't mentioned it and we don't know that.

My DS has ASD, ADHD and epilepsy: he is neurodiverse and has a disability but doesn't have a MH issue, they are completely distinct situations and it is offensive to many if you suggest otherwise.

Correction. Actually if you check the legislation and ask the nationwide charity Mind. They are.

If a person has a condition for a number of years it is a disability.

check your facts.

[quote PyjamaFan]@beigebrownblue

Yes obviously.

The OP just reminded me of this and I think it's relevant. May you're not quite bright enough to see that though?

So I'll spell if out.

Expecting other people to change their actions or behaviour or to work harder to make changes to suit the OP.[/quote]
Not quite sure what you are trying to say love.

It is not clear from your comments.

I count myself as fairly bright, actually.

People with disabilities often are (surprise, surprise)

And yes, I do think that lots of people need to work harder to understand people with disabilities.

Despite the rhetoric.

We are often discriminated against.

another reason why organisations like Mind exist. Make sense?