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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DD to sleepover with family?

46 replies

WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 14:17

We are visiting MIL and FIL this weekend and staying with them. I love them dearly and they are great with our two DC. My eldest DD is 8.

SIL and BIL are also stopping by. SIL and I are very different people and there’s a lot of back story from pre and post DC. We maintain contact through the family WhatsApp group and all is civil there but we have not had face to face contact for over a year (by choice).

We both have DDs, three years apart , hers being the eldest at 11 and mine being 8.

SIL has on multiple occasions in the past undermined my parenting. If I have said no to something for my DD, she has done it anyway and told my DD “mummy can’t say no if she’s not here…” or “we will buy you that toy if mummy won’t…” etc . It is annoying but I don’t say anything as to not cause a stir.

SIL has also made it very clear that she simply tolerates me and all of my attempts to be friends previously have been fruitless. The DC are not particularly close and only see each other a few times per year.

SIL and BIL have asked to take my DD with their DD to an event nearby tomorrow. I’ve said DD can go as it’s only for a few hours.

SIL has now asked if my DD can stay over at their house afterwards. I really don’t want this! DD has only ever stayed over with MIL and FIL.

But I know my DD would be disappointed not to stay over. I just do not feel comfortable with it at all. We parent very differently and we have different opinions on what is and is not appropriate for DC etc.

WIBU to say no? Or should I allow DD to go? I can’t work out if I’m being rational or letting my past experiences cloud my judgement.

OP posts:
Cocomade · 01/08/2021 14:28

Id let her go

Mindymomo · 01/08/2021 14:28

If you say no, then your SIL would probably say to DD that you won’t let her stay over. Does your DD want to stay over, if she does, then I’d let her, but if not, then no. I used to hate my children having sleepovers, as I knew other peoples ideas of parenting were not the same as mine, but let them if they wanted to go. Are you nearby, if she wants to come back.

Toty · 01/08/2021 14:36

Depends. If the difference in parenting means she's likely to do something like let your dd watch inappropriate content online for example, then I'd say no, if it's just a case of too many treats then I'd let her.

pinkcircustop · 01/08/2021 14:46

No, I wouldn’t let her. She doesn’t respect you as a parent so I wouldn’t trust her to look after your DC.

Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 14:47

I wouldn’t mind too many treats; it’s part of the fun.

It’s alien to me to allow my DD to stay over with someone I haven’t seen face to face in over a year; and with someone who really doesn’t like me and vice versa.

I need to put my feelings aside for my DD of course, I just need to override that tiger mom instinct Grin .

OP posts:
Elpheba · 01/08/2021 14:50

I don’t think I would at 8. It would be very hard for her to be insistent that she wanted to go home at that age if she felt uncomfortable, especially if your SIL was unapproachable in her eyes. Like a pp says, your dd can’t have a close relationship if they barely see each other.
Caveat- my eldest is only 5 and has only ever stayed overnight with my parents so I’m prepared to be told I’m overprotective!

ShoppingBasket · 01/08/2021 14:51

If the child wants to stay let her go. Unless there is a massive back story? Everyone parents differently just like her school friends parents do too, would you let her stay at a friends.

Cocolapew · 01/08/2021 14:55

If your DD isnt close to their DD would she even want to stay?

a8mint · 01/08/2021 15:08

I think this is about your dislike of your sister in law, than any genuine comcern for your kid's wellbeing.

MrsMiddleMother · 01/08/2021 15:13

I wouldn't let her sleepover.

Sirzy · 01/08/2021 15:16

What’s their fathers view on it?

If she wants to go then I would let her. It’s lovely that she is able to build a relationship with her extended family and it would be wrong to allow your mutual dislike of each other to impact that

Fullofglee · 01/08/2021 15:19

It sounds rather trivial , my niece was up and she had a sleepover we got treats in and it part of the food was good for dd and dn, I think the fact you don't like her. Is good enough for her to take her on a day out but not a sleepover.

SueSaid · 01/08/2021 15:19

Does your dd like them, will she enjoy herself? If yes then I'd let her go. We all have different parenting styles but one thing we all tend to have in common is safety and well being, so I'm sure your dd will be fine.

You and your sil don't like each other but they are yours dd's auntie and uncle so let her have a relationship with them even if you don't.

Mamamia7962 · 01/08/2021 15:21

I would let her go. Your SIL may not get on well with you but she obviously likes your daughter, plus your daughter wants to stay.

Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:23

@ShoppingBasket She has only ever stayed with MIL and FIL; she has never stayed with my parents either as they also do not respect my parenting albeit they don’t really ask for DD to stay.

If one of her friends were to ask, some I would say yes (I know the parents well) and others no, because I don’t know the parents well in spite of them being friends throughout nursery school.

@a8mint that is the situation I’m trying to avoid. @ShoppingBasket has asked me whether I would allow her to stay with other friends and my answer is much the same as it is with SIL , so I don’t think it’s entirely to do with my dislike for her. I have allowed DD to go on a day trip with them too.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:25

@Mamamia7962 SIL doesn’t really know my DD; we do not live close by . The outing tomorrow is the first time my SIL has ever taken my DD out .

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/08/2021 15:29

Why not just say yes provisionally and then say you will meet up at 6pm and have her stuff and make the final decision then based on her views.

What does her father think?

Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:31

@JaniieJones my DD has no relationship with her aunt and uncle at all; but she has enjoyed the company of her cousin when they’ve both been at MIL’s , maybe a few times per year.

My main reservation is that I myself have no relationship with them and I would apply the same reservation to any of DD’s friends. I feel though because it’s family, I should be more willing to allow her to go.

It’s jarring because I know they will disregard anything I ask them to consider. However, DD will probably have a lovely time so I think I’ll be allowing her to go if she wants to.

I really wanted opinions on whether others would allow it too. Smile

OP posts:
SueSaid · 01/08/2021 15:32

'She has only ever stayed with MIL and FIL; she has never stayed with my parents either as they also do not respect my parenting albeit they don’t really ask for DD to stay.'

What don't people 'respect', are you very fussy with diet and routines for example?

Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:33

@Sirzy her DF feels the same as me; he isn’t overly thrilled about the prospect but will do what DD wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:36

@JaniieJones When the DC were babies I will admit I was slightly over protective Blush but not now . I’ve never been fussy with diet or routines though.

My parents wouldn’t think twice about leaving my DDs with their friends (who we don’t know) and they think I’m ridiculous for not smacking my DDs when they’re naughty. That kind of thing.

OP posts:
SueSaid · 01/08/2021 15:36

'My main reservation is that I myself have no relationship with them and I would apply the same reservation to any of DD’s friends'

Does your dh though, if they are his ds or db? Because many families are like this tbh. Barring actual falling outs can't you just grin and bear the situation and let your dd go if she wishes?

FunTimes2020 · 01/08/2021 15:36

I'd let her stay over if the day trip goes well and the girls are getting on.

Original poster
WoeBetideTheSeaside · 01/08/2021 15:38

@JaniieJones we may have cross posted; I’ve decided to grin and bear it Grin

I just wanted opinions on what others would do.

OP posts:
SueSaid · 01/08/2021 15:38

'My parents wouldn’t think twice about leaving my DDs with their friends (who we don’t know) and they think I’m ridiculous for not smacking my DDs when they’re naughty'

Oh well yes with your parents I completely understand. Leave your dd with their friends?! that is odd.