To not allow DD to sleepover with family?

[WoeBetideTheSeaside]

We are visiting MIL and FIL this weekend and staying with them. I love them dearly and they are great with our two DC. My eldest DD is 8.

SIL and BIL are also stopping by. SIL and I are very different people and there’s a lot of back story from pre and post DC. We maintain contact through the family WhatsApp group and all is civil there but we have not had face to face contact for over a year (by choice).

We both have DDs, three years apart , hers being the eldest at 11 and mine being 8.

SIL has on multiple occasions in the past undermined my parenting. If I have said no to something for my DD, she has done it anyway and told my DD “mummy can’t say no if she’s not here…” or “we will buy you that toy if mummy won’t…” etc . It is annoying but I don’t say anything as to not cause a stir.

SIL has also made it very clear that she simply tolerates me and all of my attempts to be friends previously have been fruitless. The DC are not particularly close and only see each other a few times per year.

SIL and BIL have asked to take my DD with their DD to an event nearby tomorrow. I’ve said DD can go as it’s only for a few hours.

SIL has now asked if my DD can stay over at their house afterwards. I really don’t want this! DD has only ever stayed over with MIL and FIL.

But I know my DD would be disappointed not to stay over. I just do not feel comfortable with it at all. We parent very differently and we have different opinions on what is and is not appropriate for DC etc.

WIBU to say no? Or should I allow DD to go? I can’t work out if I’m being rational or letting my past experiences cloud my judgement.

@JaniieJones when my youngest DD was a toddler, my parents asked to watch her for the day. My DM then decided she needed to go shopping for a random item so left my DD with her friend . I didn’t know until DM let it slip and then was surprised that I was upset

[quote WoeBetideTheSeaside]@JaniieJones when my youngest DD was a toddler, my parents asked to watch her for the day. My DM then decided she needed to go shopping for a random item so left my DD with her friend . I didn’t know until DM let it slip and then was surprised that I was upset [/quote]
That is staggering. Honestly I'm not surprised you don't have much confidence in other people looking after your dd.

Aaah, let your Dd have a sleepover with her cousin.

Cousin relationships can be special.

Relationships and family = more important than different attitudes to treats, toys etc.

It takes a village, and all that, and each villager has their own individual relationship with the child.

Relax a bit.

There is no way I would allow it. I wouldn't want my dd to be with someone who may be feeding her with negative remarks about me. You need to go with your gut.

What do you think they might do? What are you specifically concerned about?

No chance.
My DP utterly detested one of their siblings. I can well understand but remain distantly civil towards that in law. Some of our children our very close in ages and interests but there wouldn't have been a chance in hell of a sleep over at either end.
Do not let that loon have any kind of responsibility for your child.
"No, not now,not ever" should do the trick

In my experience, 8 is very young for random sleepovers.

My DD did a couple at that age and we always got a call to come and collect her.

It isn't a random sleepover though, it is with her cousin. I understand she doesn't see them often but then my DS would be the same. I don't particularly have a relationship with my sister in law because we live far away. We have different parenting styles but would be happy for him to go stay with his cousin.
OP hasn't said what the Aunt disregards when coming to parenting, I thought it might be a diet thing but OP has said that she doesn't mind treats. If you are happy to leave her off for the day then your parenting is going to be disregarded anyway. Sounds like your sister in law is trying to extend an olive branch and trying to build a relationship with her niece. Also,cousins can be lots of fun
As pp said meet up after day out you might find daughter has had enough of her cousin anyway but I'm sure she will want to stay over.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I'd let her go. Don't let small issues spoil things for your daughter, it's nice to stay over with aunt and uncle and cousins (I never did!), how your daughter gets on with them is what counts. Your sister in law is not going to hurt her and she knows who her mum and dad are.

When she comes home, don't question her except for," Did you have a nice time?".

I would allow it. Me and SIL have different parenting approaches but ultimately what it comes down to is that she loves and cares for my DC and she would get in touch if she needed.

The cousins in this family love sleepovers, one of which we only see about 4 times a year .

Does your dd want to stay over? I know my dd at that age wouldn't want to.

I'd be inclined to allow it but my opinion may change depending on what the concerns are. Could you be specific what you're worried about?

I'd let her .

@TidyDancer it’s mainly that relations got so bad between us that I’ve gone very low contact. SIL and BIL have used my DD as a pawn in a spat before and I just don’t trust them not to be negative about me to my DD. I don’t think it would happen but my gut just feels very uneasy about it.

They don’t respect privacy or boundaries and also seem to take comfort in our misfortunes (of which there have been a lot!) as well as telling all and sundry our private business.

I know things could be said during the day but the less time DD spends with them , the better . I’ve allowed the day trip as it would be unfair on DD to miss out but I feel a sleepover is too far.

However, I am very much considering allowing it if DD wishes .

Apart from parenting differently, is your DD at risk of harm?
If not, let her go

Your DD can sleepovers when she is older with people YOU also comfortable with. She is at an impressionable age and it sounds like your SIL will try and pry info about what's going on in your lives out of her.

The day out is fine but I don't think you should allow an 8 year old to make the decision whether to stay over or not.

I'd let her spend time with her cousin if she wants to. I think it's unfair that she misses out because of your personal differences.

Based in everything you've said I don't think I'd let her sleep over. Apart from anything else, 8 is quite young to stay with people she doesn't know well and hasn't seen for a year and she may feel uncomfortable if not used to staying at others' houses. I think a day out is enough.

If she wants to go let her go. You’re projecting.

Given they're "hosting" the day out why don't you offer to host your 11 yr old niece for the night at your in laws? See what response you get... cousin relationships can be really special despite the conflict between their parents.