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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother you?

40 replies

HaroldTheHare · 31/07/2021 23:15

Like lots of couples over the past 18mths or so DH & I have had very little time Just as a couple. We've been incredibly busy trying to work from home in stressful jobs & we have a teen who hasn't been able to get out as much as would be normal in non pandemic times.

Teen is nocturnal & in the house a LOT so very little private / couple time for us.

I've started to really really feel it over the past couple of months & feel We're drifting along but no real spark or excitement. I've spoken to dh about it & he's reassuring that it's just because of the circumstances & that we're fine & he still feels the same etc

Today we have a RARE afternoon & night alone as teen has gone out overnight. We dropped them off & took a lovely scenic route home, stopping for dinner along the way & a walk in a beautiful location. The sun was shining & it was so lovely ambling along holding hands etc

I had told dh earlier that I was really missing 'romance' in our lives & that I'd been having dreams about it. Not sex but the frisson, excitement of early days, feeling that desire to be near someone. We joked about it on the drive & he made several jokey references about the day being romantic.
We planned having a glass of wine & putting on a movie & lying on the bed to watch it once we got home & I was thinking at last....some time alone without the teen being there - happy days!

Anyway on the way home he saw a missed call from his mum. She's really useless at staying in contact & it's 99% of the time initiated by him. He messaged to make sure all was ok & she said it was, she'd was just ringing for a chat. Nothing urgent. I asked him if he could call her back in the morning in that case

We get home & he pours a beer & immediately goes to call her & he's on the call for 45 mins to an hour. Talking shite, just chit chat. I'm waiting around to see if we're going to watch a movie or not.
After 45 mins I bustle about in the next room next door to remind him I'm waiting

He gets off the call & is cranky & says I'm controlling & that he'd never try to tell me when to end a call to my folks. I said true but I wouldn't have made a call to my parents on the ONE night we have the house to ourselves & as we'd been having such a lovely day. He's still cranky & has gone downstairs to watch some shite on his laptop & I'm on my own in the bedroom. I feel utterly pissed off & fed up now.

Was I controlling? Did it matter that he disappeared for an hour at 10pm on our rare rare evening together? I feel quite fragile right now & that's v unlike me. I don't feel as connected to him as I used to & I've tried explaining & it feels like he's just not getting it. Jesus.

I really wanted him to seduce me. Actually really v properly concentrate on ME, not me as co-parent, co-worker, house sharer etc etc I'm feeling tearful now & I don't even know why. Ffs. I feel stupid for even thinking this way. I'm nearly 50 for fucks sake not some star struck teen

I know I'm going to be told I'm being unreasonable but I feel so miserable right now

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2021 23:18

Yes it would bother me and his reaction is a slap in the face really. Sorry OP. You weren’t controlling at all.

RJnomore1 · 31/07/2021 23:23

No I’d be really upset too. 😟

Original poster
HaroldTheHare · 31/07/2021 23:24

Thank you. I feel a little lost to be honest
He's watching tv downstairs & I'm tearful up here.
The mood is well & truly broken for me now no matter what happens now

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2021 23:24

YANBU at all. Do you think he bottled it for some reason and sabotaged your night on purpose then made it seem like it was your fault?

He said he’d talk to her tomorrow. Nothing was up. Why the fuck did he spend 45 minutes chatting shit instead of enjoying a drink/movie/shag with his lovely wife?!

I’d be hurt, disappointed and very fucked off at being called controlling for wondering why he’d bailed on your planned exciting evening. Don’t put up with that. He’s being an absolute dick. How dare he make any of this your fault.

Chickenyhead · 31/07/2021 23:24

I think his sulking is a bit extra tbh. And to call you controlling over this one incident.

At first I thought he was a little thoughtless, but his sulking hints at something bigger.

Is he worried about being intimate and causing an issue to avoid it?

AlmostSummer21 · 31/07/2021 23:26

Yeah, I'd be upset too

Liveandforget · 31/07/2021 23:32

He didn't need to be chatting for that long, he could have made it a 5 minute call. That seems deliberate.

Mil a cckblocker. Or maybe even dh himself is the cckblocker.

Yanbu to be upset.

Original poster
HaroldTheHare · 31/07/2021 23:33

I don't know the answer to that
His family are not the easiest of people & they never keep contact with him at all. As in months & months go by without him hearing from any of them unless he rings them. He does have form for making calls to them at the worst time- just as I'm about to serve dinner or before we plan to do something & I have in the past called to him that dinner was ready or if we're waiting to go / do something I'll say it's time.
He takes this as me trying to control his calls. Ive given up making huge effort with them over the years for many many legitimate reasons which he is 100% aware of & understands why
.
I don't know why he HAD to make that call at that time but it certainly has made me feel weird now

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 31/07/2021 23:38

I could have written this post but from your DH's point of view.
I hate the building expectation of a romantic occasion and have frequently sabotaged valentines and anniversary meals. I can't help myself and I regret it afterwards.
I believe your DH feels he will not live up to your high expectations of tonight.

ChunkySloth · 31/07/2021 23:43

I think you overreacted tbh. What difference does it make if he seduces you at 10pm or 11pm.

Original poster
HaroldTheHare · 31/07/2021 23:44

Thank you @LocalHobo that's interesting..
I know it's all so strange being so cooped up together for so long & it's a bit relentless at times.
I hate scheduled sex / intimacy / connection myself but the rest of the After noon had been so relaxed & lovely & we laughed a lot & even if sex never happened I was looking forward to just cuddling & watching a film
As it is I'm now watching virgin river on the bed & he's downstairs & the teen might as well be next door as usual...

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/07/2021 23:58

@ChunkySloth

I think you overreacted tbh. What difference does it make if he seduces you at 10pm or 11pm.
1 hour of shagging, perhaps?

Who calls their mum when they're on a promise? Such odd behaviour.

ChocolateCookies123 · 01/08/2021 00:00

Could he be anxious that he won’t get another call from her for ages if he doesn’t take this one? Or worried what the call might be about and just needed to know so that he could relax again?

ChocolateCookies123 · 01/08/2021 00:01

Yanbu to be upset either way though!

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 01/08/2021 00:04

If they don't caontact eachother frequently and it's out of the norm for mum to call, personally would have left him to it and then just asked afterwards "everything ok?" As I'd be concerned about the random initiation of contact and why if you see what I mean.

RedHelenB · 01/08/2021 00:11

I'm erring on yabu. You didn't have to make an issue of it, you said it's rare she phones him. I do see though that it would have been nicer to be interruption free.

Zombiemum1946 · 01/08/2021 00:25

Talk to him as calmly as you can. We bought noise cancelling headphones for the teenage hermit in the room next door. Best money we've spent since he turned 15.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 00:30

He sabotaged the night on purpose, any idiot can see that.

Nope. This wouldn't work for me.

Original poster
HaroldTheHare · 01/08/2021 00:31

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I'm reading them all & listening to all you have to say.
I'm ok now. Just feel sad that the evening went the way it did. He's still downstairs & I haven't seen him since.
The phone call in itself probably wasn't the thing that ruined the mood, the argument afterwards is.
He'll likely sleep in the spare room as he says he hates the mattress on our bed.
Tomorrow is another day

OP posts:
Zombiemum1946 · 01/08/2021 00:33

I don't know if you'll need to wait till tomorrow, but just do what you can to let him open up. My dh normally needs a good 30 mins on the PlayStation/pc till he's able to talk about what his family have phoned about (usually money). I don't think you're really being unreasonable, but just hurt by the rapid change in the mood.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 00:51

Tomorrow is another day

It certainly is. A day to decide you're not going to live like this anymore. Refuse to be second place.

ChunkySloth · 01/08/2021 01:17

@HaroldTheHare

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I'm reading them all & listening to all you have to say. I'm ok now. Just feel sad that the evening went the way it did. He's still downstairs & I haven't seen him since. The phone call in itself probably wasn't the thing that ruined the mood, the argument afterwards is. He'll likely sleep in the spare room as he says he hates the mattress on our bed. Tomorrow is another day
I think you've got bigger problems than you imagine, op.
lightlysparkling · 01/08/2021 01:38

Sounds like he's just not invested anymore op. You don't have to put up with it.

twinningatlife · 01/08/2021 02:04

OP - my husband is sulking because he made it clear he wanted sex this evening and I rang my mum for a chat and was an hour late coming to bed

MN - he's controlling, abusive and you should LTB

🤷‍♀️

That's what the response would be if the roles were reversed in this scenario?

I think you've over reacted to be honest and you are sulking just as much as he is. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood - he's allowed not to be without you throwing a strop because you didn't get the night of passion you wanted?
IME men don't like proscribed/planned nights like this - it places too much pressure on the whole thing

Livingintheclouds · 01/08/2021 02:09

I think it would be interesting to hear his take on the day. He may think you had a lovely day and dinner and whatever too, then his mum calls out if the blue and it may be niggling at him despite her 'everything is fine, as it's unusual. So he calls to suss it out. He may have also thought you were going to have a cosy end to the evening but for goodness sakes an hour is not making much difference- you've been together all day after all.
So I think your expectations were one thing and something happened to interrupt it and you've made your annoyance known and he felt defensive and the next thing you are snipping at each other. I don't think intentionally did anything. But maybe there's more going on here if you both get so resentful of each other this quickly that it ruins the evening.

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