Would this bother you?

[HaroldTheHare]

Like lots of couples over the past 18mths or so DH & I have had very little time Just as a couple. We've been incredibly busy trying to work from home in stressful jobs & we have a teen who hasn't been able to get out as much as would be normal in non pandemic times.

Teen is nocturnal & in the house a LOT so very little private / couple time for us.

I've started to really really feel it over the past couple of months & feel We're drifting along but no real spark or excitement. I've spoken to dh about it & he's reassuring that it's just because of the circumstances & that we're fine & he still feels the same etc

Today we have a RARE afternoon & night alone as teen has gone out overnight. We dropped them off & took a lovely scenic route home, stopping for dinner along the way & a walk in a beautiful location. The sun was shining & it was so lovely ambling along holding hands etc

I had told dh earlier that I was really missing 'romance' in our lives & that I'd been having dreams about it. Not sex but the frisson, excitement of early days, feeling that desire to be near someone. We joked about it on the drive & he made several jokey references about the day being romantic.
We planned having a glass of wine & putting on a movie & lying on the bed to watch it once we got home & I was thinking at last....some time alone without the teen being there - happy days!

Anyway on the way home he saw a missed call from his mum. She's really useless at staying in contact & it's 99% of the time initiated by him. He messaged to make sure all was ok & she said it was, she'd was just ringing for a chat. Nothing urgent. I asked him if he could call her back in the morning in that case

We get home & he pours a beer & immediately goes to call her & he's on the call for 45 mins to an hour. Talking shite, just chit chat. I'm waiting around to see if we're going to watch a movie or not.
After 45 mins I bustle about in the next room next door to remind him I'm waiting

He gets off the call & is cranky & says I'm controlling & that he'd never try to tell me when to end a call to my folks. I said true but I wouldn't have made a call to my parents on the ONE night we have the house to ourselves & as we'd been having such a lovely day. He's still cranky & has gone downstairs to watch some shite on his laptop & I'm on my own in the bedroom. I feel utterly pissed off & fed up now.

Was I controlling? Did it matter that he disappeared for an hour at 10pm on our rare rare evening together? I feel quite fragile right now & that's v unlike me. I don't feel as connected to him as I used to & I've tried explaining & it feels like he's just not getting it. Jesus.

I really wanted him to seduce me. Actually really v properly concentrate on ME, not me as co-parent, co-worker, house sharer etc etc I'm feeling tearful now & I don't even know why. Ffs. I feel stupid for even thinking this way. I'm nearly 50 for fucks sake not some star struck teen

I know I'm going to be told I'm being unreasonable but I feel so miserable right now

Oh op I’d be just as sad.

Thank you all for answering. I totally get it, having expectations of prescribed sex is awful & doesn't do it for me either as it feels weird & forced. I really do!

On the other hand we have close to zero time alone at the moment through noone's fault, we spend a lot of time together but pretty much always in work mode or with a teen in the house....

Maybe i built it up too much in my head that we'd have the afternoon & night alone & it's a Saturday so no work etc

I have been feeling a bit weird about us recently. I feel like I'm going through the motions but the passion is gone. On both sides. I've spoken to dh about this several to times, in a non arguing way. More that I was worried about us (a couple of weeks ago ). Last night I had a dream about feeling that spark with someone which I barely remember now but I woke feeling so low & invisible & flat. I spoke to dh when we were driving after dropping teen off.

I said that I really missed us & how we used do be. He said we were still us & always would be but that life was just hard & pressured at the moment.

We had a lovely happy afternoon & evening until we got home.

He's asleep in the other room now & I feel so odd. It was a stupid argument that blew up out of nowhere but I feel like now i don't know how to fix this.

@Livingintheclouds that's it exactly & I am worried about how easily it became a thing & how we didn't find our way back from the minor annoyance.

I think the pressures of life at the moment are really taking their toll on us no matter how much we say we're ok
It doesn't feel ok to me tonight
I feel so very sad . And lonely

Thank you all for the replies x

@HaroldTheHare,
He said he doesn’t like the mattress on your bed?, so why don’t you buy a new one and see what he says.
But let’s be honest that sounds like a excuse to not share a bed but only you know .

He's been a tool. But I hope wherever he's sleeping, you've slipped into him and give him a massive cuddle.

Fuck this pandemic and what it's doing to everyone. Show him massive love despite the disappointment, and talk it out tomorrow. If it persists, then you may have bigger problems.

So I think your expectations were one thing and something happened to interrupt it and you've made your annoyance known and he felt defensive and the next thing you are snipping at each other. I don't think intentionally did anything. But maybe there's more going on here if you both get so resentful of each other this quickly that it ruins the evening.

I was very much nodding along with this.

I said that I really missed us & how we used do be. He said we were still us & always would be but that life was just hard & pressured at the moment.

This is normal,

We had a lovely happy afternoon & evening until we got home.

And then - sorry - you ruined it by over-reacting to a known trigger. You know his family are an issue. You were doing a bit of a ‘you must choose’ thing and he ‘proved you right’ by feeding your insecurity. Yes, he was wrong but so were you by rising to it, making it A Thing.

He's asleep in the other room now & I feel so odd. It was a stupid argument that blew up out of nowhere but I feel like now i don't know how to fix this.

Fix it by having sex in the spare room.

It sounds like you need him to apologise, but really what you need more is connection and that’s achieved by letting this go and snuggling up and forgiving him. Early morning sex works wonders.

Also, if he hates your mattress why is it still on your shared bed?

I’d be annoyed if I hated my own mattress! It’s a priority item, surely?

I’d be upset too. It was thoughtless at best of him. You don’t sound controlling to me, and he was clearly defensive about his behaviour when he accused you of that.

Good morning op.

Hope you have a lovely morning together.
And get a new mattresses.
A weekend away would probably be wonderful if you can manage it.🌻🌈

To be honest I can see both sides, relationships are give and take, and all this “I want to be seduced” is all a bit fairy tale in my view. He talked to his mother, it’s not a big deal, you could just habe chilled and continued when he came off the call. He then reacted badly too. But extremely so, which feels like there is more behind it.

Maybe he felt too much pressure and you were being a bit needy, maybe there is someone else, maybe he was looking for an excuse to sleep in the spare room. None of us can tell. But I’d say the relationship is really not well at the moment. The more you try to pull him to you the more he is pulling away.

Thank you all so very much for your replies. It's all been very helpful. Teen is still away until this evening & we had a long & very honest conversation about how we're both feeling the moment. Turns out we feel very similar & both felt lonely. I cried but it felt so bloody good to properly talk it all out. It was hard at times to hear what we each had to say but we love each other so much.

Life has just beaten us up a bit & we let each other go a bit instead of keeping each other close.

Anyway after a long long uninterrupted talk & a cry we had incredible sex!

We've vowed to keep talking & to really pay attention to each other. I think we both feel a million times better. Harmony is restored!

Some of the observation here have given me a lot to think about & I'm very grateful to all. Thanks

@HaroldTheHare

Thank you all so very much for your replies. It's all been very helpful. Teen is still away until this evening & we had a long & very honest conversation about how we're both feeling the moment. Turns out we feel very similar & both felt lonely. I cried but it felt so bloody good to properly talk it all out. It was hard at times to hear what we each had to say but we love each other so much.

Life has just beaten us up a bit & we let each other go a bit instead of keeping each other close.

Anyway after a long long uninterrupted talk & a cry we had incredible sex!

We've vowed to keep talking & to really pay attention to each other. I think we both feel a million times better. Harmony is restored!

Some of the observation here have given me a lot to think about & I'm very grateful to all. Thanks

I love a happy ending!

I'm so glad you sorted it. Talking is so, so important and so many couples forget that.

Ah well done op. I love a happy ending