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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is fine?

54 replies

Money213 · 31/07/2021 18:36

To say to someone who you know you have hurt 'If something bothers you, I am always open to speak if anything bothers you going forward.'

OP posts:
Original poster
Money213 · 31/07/2021 19:26

I did say sorry though Hmm

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 19:27

@Money213

I also told them they meant a lot to me and that I trusted them. Does that not count for anything?
No. Because they're just words and you haven't given them a proper apology. There's no sincerity, no personalisation, no taking responsibility.
YoBeaches · 31/07/2021 19:34

No you said 'sorry if..'

You should have said 'I'm sorry I know what I said hurt you, that wasn't my intention'

Own it, don't push it onto them.

Knackeredmommy · 31/07/2021 19:35

That's not an apology, "I'm sorry IF", sounds like it's their fault. That text would just piss me off more tbh

Knackeredmommy · 31/07/2021 19:37

"Im sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you" is an apology

Waspsarearseholes · 31/07/2021 19:45

This is no better than, "I'm sorry you were offended because what I said came out wrong". As though it happened to you, that you weren't in control of something that came out of your mouth and the words you said. You didn't apologise for saying something hurtful, more like you said something hurtful in a really blunt way.
The bit about 'going forwards' or whatever is how I would expect the HR manager at work to speak to a colleague if something was bothering them.
This is a complete non-apology and a weirdly formal way of speaking to a friend.

impressivelycunty · 31/07/2021 19:49

The phrase you're looking for is: "I'm sorry that I upset you and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again". "If" is passive aggressive.

BlossomOnTrees · 31/07/2021 20:31

It's fine. I don't see the issue with it at all. Hmm
A nice text saying that the friend means a lot to them and are trusted, a sorry and an invitation to speak in the future if anything bothers them.
Maybe a bit formal but nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Surprised at this thread and the responses. Not like a 'sorry you feel that way' text which I have had before (Yes, those exact words too.)

AngryWhompingWillow · 31/07/2021 20:39

@Money213 I agree with other posters. It's passive aggressive and doesn't seem like much of an apology. It sounds a bit naff actually, like a middle manager at work would say, when they have upset someone, but they don't want to apologise - so they make it sound like an apology when it isn't........

Also, you asked if YABU, and most people are saying 'yes YABU' and you're like 'no I'm not!' Hmm

Why ask if YABU, if you don't think you are? Confused

Original poster
Money213 · 31/07/2021 20:43

Yes because middle managers always tell their staff 'You mean so much to me.'

OP posts:
atlastifoundit · 31/07/2021 21:08

Oh, so it is about work. Hmm In that case there's nothing wrong with it.

LentilShanklet · 31/07/2021 21:24

OP is English your first language?

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 21:43

@Tiddleztheelephant

Did you send this an apology to a friend? I'm not a fan tbh. It doesn't really take any responsibility and doesn't sound very heartfelt.

A simple "I didn't mean it to come out that way, I absolutely do trust you and I'm so sorry I hurt you"

Would sit better with me.

This is far more elegant, if you wish message to actually land.
Bbq1 · 31/07/2021 21:48

If it's an apology you would be better saying the actual apology first then adding (if it's appropriate) something along the lines of "if anything like that bothers you in the future, please let me know so we can sort it".

TrainspottingWelsh · 31/07/2021 21:52

It's the type of apology I give when I think the other person is an arse, but we need to have a civil relationship for practical reasons.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/07/2021 21:53

It doesn't sound very heartfelt to me.

Original poster
Money213 · 31/07/2021 21:54

For people saying it was too formal. How often do you tell someone that they mean so much to you? That is not something that is a formal statement.
No it was not work related.

OP posts:
nanbread · 31/07/2021 21:58

I'm sorry if what I said came out wrong. I trust you and you mean a lot to me. I am open to speak if anything bothers you moving forward

So I read a great article on apologies and how we generally hold our intent as having more importance than our impact on the other person.

This is quite a passive apology imo.

"If" what you said not "that"

"Came out wrong" rather than "I worded it badly"

No acknowledgement of the impact you had.

The bit about "open to speak if anything bothers you" sounds like you think you're being really magnanimous in tolerating them talking to you about something that bothers them, it doesn't sound welcoming and again sounds passive, there's no responsibility taken here.

So if I had to guess, yourt not actually sorry at all.

Maybeitstime2021 · 31/07/2021 22:03

Doesn’t sound like sorry to me.

Mydogsbetterthanyourdog · 31/07/2021 22:03

Why did you ask if YWBU op? You've been told you are but still not accepting it.
Did you want everyone to agree with you?

Original poster
Money213 · 31/07/2021 22:04

That's what I did @Bbq1 Hmm

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 31/07/2021 22:24

@Money213

That's what I did *@Bbq1* Hmm
You didn't say you said that though...
Original poster
Money213 · 31/07/2021 22:28

I did. Confused

OP posts:
Maybeitstime2021 · 31/07/2021 22:31
Hmm
HackAttack · 31/07/2021 22:33

Why overcomplicate so much, what is wrong with I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to? Also why ask if you planned to argue with everyone?