Opinions on this scenario.

[staryrainbows]

Obviously a back story to this but I just want opinions on this situation.

Parent A & B have a 2.5yr old.

Out for the day and toddler is playing up running off etc. Parent A insists toddler holds their hand, toddler has a huge meltdown and wants to hold parent Bs hand. Parent A says no, holds on to toddlers hand and the screaming crying continues. Parent B suggests toddler just hold their hand. Parent A says no.

Is parent A right that children do as they're told end of.

Is parent B right that it doesn't matter how you get to the end point as long as child is doing what's expected?

Or is there something in between.

Parent A was throwing their weight around. Does it matter as long as the toddler was safe?

Parent A sounds very controlling

Don't go into battle with a toddler, particularly a cross one. Just do what's needed. Parent A was unhelpfully stubborn in that instance.

As long as the child held someone's hand then I'd have been ok with it.
Insisting on holding A's hand was just causing unnecessary drama really.

Toddler needs to hold a hand to be safe, why does it matter which parents it was? Parent A should have just let the toddler hold parents B hand and have an end to the drama.

Parent A didn’t handle it well, but nor is it good for DC to dictate things/‘choose’ parents.

Pick your battles. Toddler could have held anyone’s hand as long as they were safe.

Parent A wants the child to do as they're told.

If the child had done what they were told in the first place they'd have been able to choose whose hand they held but they didn't.

Regardless of whether you agree, it's not helpful to question your partners parenting style in front of the child.

Best thing in the first place is to give the little one a choice.

The choice isn't "hold my hand or run off". The child needs to hold an adult's hand, full stop, but could have the option of Parent A or Parent B. Child is happy, child is also safe, so both parents happy. No need to make every little thing into a confrontation.

Or, of course, put the reins on them in the first place and avoid all this.

Parent A was wrong, did toddler want to hold mummy's hand?

Toddler should have been spoken to at eye level and told that they need hold parent a or bs hand.
Giving them a choice allows them some power but you are giving them the choices you are happy with.

In your situation parent b was undermining parent a and would never end well as toddler would learn from this, it causes tensions with parents and toddler has a melt down. No one is a winner

Parent A is wrong

Parent A is being ridiculous. There’s no point or need in adopting a stupid authoritarian approach with any child, but most especially a toddler.

Parent A sounds very controlling. Assuming that holding the hand of either parent was a safe and acceptable option then a two year old should be allowed to choose.

To me, holding B's rewards the meltdown. The original request was to hold A's hand so that it what needs to happen in spite of meltdown. No need for anger or drama. Calm insistence that that's what's happening. Parent B should have gone on ahead.

Parent A acted very rigidly. Why can't the toddler hold Parent B's hand if they want to?

Parent A a fool.

Interesting, seems most people think my husband was being unreasonable.
It happens all the time, I don't question him in front of the child, when I said just let him hold my hand child was kicking and screaming on the floor and I was discreet so I didn't challenge him in front of the child as such.

It's really playing on my mind. I could cry when I watch my toddler being pulled down the street kicking and screaming when he could just hold my hand. If it's vice versa and I'm putting boundaries in and the toddler says no I want daddy I don't care as long as he's doing what I want him to do.

I did speak to my husband later about it and said it's not worth the battle to hold his hand specifically if he's prepared to hold mine. As long as he's holding someone's hand it's fine.

We have very different approaches to parenting he's very much do as I say when I say it and shouts a lot. I hate shouting and would rather just give him a big hug until he calms and then give him options to chose. But when I try and say anything my husband will just say I've raised 2 other children and they're fine. (He had 2 before we met). I don't think I can bare to watch him parent our child anymore. This isn't how I want him to be raised.

That sounds very difficult OP

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dictator. I'm sure he doesn't see it that way but I would feel exactly the same as you do.

But when I try and say anything my husband will just say I've raised 2 other children and they're fine. (He had 2 before we met). I don't think I can bare to watch him parent our child anymore. This isn't how I want him to be raised.

This is the issue. Just because he's done it before doesn't mean his way is the right way.
Talk to him about that. Tell him how much of an arse it makes him.
You could make your child's upbringing much more pleasant if he's willing to change his outlook a little. Remind him you both share responsibility for this child and you have an equal say in the way they're raised.

@girlmom21

But when I try and say anything my husband will just say I've raised 2 other children and they're fine. (He had 2 before we met). I don't think I can bare to watch him parent our child anymore. This isn't how I want him to be raised.

This is the issue. Just because he's done it before doesn't mean his way is the right way.
Talk to him about that. Tell him how much of an arse it makes him.
You could make your child's upbringing much more pleasant if he's willing to change his outlook a little. Remind him you both share responsibility for this child and you have an equal say in the way they're raised.

I've tried, this is why I say I don't think I can bare to stand by and watch it. He says I get my ideas from text books and not real life parenting, my job is in children's behaviour I'm highly qualified in the field but apparently none of that is based on real life and actually parenting a child. Because he has a 'proven record' in parenting then he's right. I'm not saying I know it all, telling someone how they should manage a child and managing your own child are two very different things, and it's easy as a professional to say this is what you need to do but I know it's much harder in reality. I don't for one minute think I'm the perfect parent, I get things wrong as everyone does, my job doesn't make me any better than anyone else as being a parent. But I am conscious of the effects of his harsh parenting and it's just not the approach I want for my child

He’s sounds lovely unless you’re about to drip feed some incredibly redeeming dh behaviours I’d be making plans to leave

Your husband is the dictator type. Nothing but a bully - a dimwitted, abusive arsehole.

@Chunkymenrock

To me, holding B's rewards the meltdown. The original request was to hold A's hand so that it what needs to happen in spite of meltdown. No need for anger or drama. Calm insistence that that's what's happening. Parent B should have gone on ahead.

The original request should present two choices if there exist two that are acceptable. Then the child has a choice and nothing is rewarded. It's also perfectly fine to change your mind very early on if the child presents a valid argument to an initial no.

I think he backed himself into a corner by insisting on your little one holding his hand and probably didn’t want to ‘back down’ and let him ‘win’ by allowing him to hold yours. He needs to think about his requests in future to allow for situations to be resolved more easily.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about your expectations and how you both parent. The situation you described would break my heart too.