... to ask if you were ever totally surprised by married couple splitting up?

[20Past3]

Over the years I've had friends and family that have been separated or divorced, and I've typically not been surprised. All were the obvious reasons like asshole/abusive/lazy DH, affairs, alcohol, etc. Typically the writing was on the wall, and I was never surprised when it finally happened. In fact, I was in one such situation! Nobody was at all surprised.

Over the last months, I've been totally shocked by one of my best friends divorce, and now by DSis separation. These just seem out of the blue, no forewarning, I'd consider them great couples with so much going for them (both in early 50s). Really makes me sad thinking about it.

AIBU, to ask if you've ever been totally surprised? It's new for me :(

Yes, but only really once (and I'm mid 50s so obviously known quite a few couples go their separate ways over the decades). More often than not, you can sort of see it coming, sadly.

Yes, heard of a few breaks ups and divorces which have surprised me as the couples seemed fairly happy. Goes to show that nobody knows what goes on in a marriage or relationship deep down.

I used to until it occurred to me that you actually never really know what goes on behind closed doors. One of my closest friends and her partner separated and I was completely shocked, when she explained what had been going on I was completely surprised. They managed to 'keep up appearances' I suppose until they no longer could.

Only one, when it was a person of esteemed religious leadership within the community, who was vocal about sexual morality. Turned out they weren't all that sexually moral themself.

Yes. My cousin and his wife spilling up shocked everyone, though it later emerged they’d been having problems and arguing for a while. Also another couple I know who’d been together since they were teens the husband had an affair with a work colleague and the wife chucked him out. He was the last person on earth you’d expect to have an affair.

I've know couples I thought were never a good match, another friend married what I'd call a player, another controlling personality with betting problem. I could see coming in advance if you know the people well. But this often happens in the early years of relationships.

There is often things going on behind the scene that are private and very few people will know. My DB and wife split in their 50s. I was surprised, but much to my amazement DB had been waiting and planning this until their kids finished in college. There were indeed reasons, I was totally unaware of the background though.

Things are not always what they seem, even with couples you think are close to you.

It's always a bit of a shock when any couple splits (IMO.) But it's a bit more shocking when they are in their 50s or older, and have been together 30+ years.

That said, there has been a rise over the past decade, in couples splitting up in their 50s or 60s, after being together 30-40 years. (A few are even older and have been together even longer...)

I know personally of 3 women - all 52 to 58 years old, who have left their husband in the last 5 years, after 30 to 35 years or so of marriage.

They seemed fairly happy and solid, and it was a shock. The one couple I'd known for 25 years. She said she had been with her (ex) husband, for 33 years, but had never been in love with him. Just dated him as her best friend was dating his best mate, and somehow ended up marrying him and having 2 kids together. But she has never loved him.

I wonder how many others there are like this?

There were some friends of my parents that appeared to be the perfect couple. They were always perfectly turned out, lovely house always seemed happy. They split up after nearly 20 years. It turned out only one of the couple liked the show home lifestyle the other found it stifling. Their new partner was much more laid back, had pets etc.

Having gone through my own divorce to a 'nice guy (he wasn't, totally emotionally unavailable, manipulative and emotionally and financially abusive) and the grief I got from other people about it, I now view others marriage breakups with a neutral eye. I think some folk present a facade to the world. I certainly felt very uncomfortable letting other people know what was going on. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Street angel, house devil everywhere.

Also, it might be more common today than in the past when couples could solider on. When you hit 55 you might ask yourself, life is short, do I want another 20 years of this?

For my DB mentioned above, it was very specific issue. I only learned this later. Ex-SIL menopause, libido, etc. DB (says he!) remained faithful and waited until the youngest finished in college, and they separated that summer. Luckily they are both comfortable financially. DB has settled into a new relationship. Ex-SIL is bitter beyond belief, but it is early days yet and hope both find their feet.

Only once. But it came as much to a shock to my dear friend as to everyone else. Her DH had felt “trapped” by the birth of their child so after 15 years together he walked out on their LO first birthday. It’s like a switch flipped, he was always lovely in the years I knew him but these days, on the few occasions I’ve been in touch with him, he’s a bit standoffish.

@MargieMo

There is often things going on behind the scene that are private and very few people will know. My DB and wife split in their 50s. I was surprised, but much to my amazement DB had been waiting and planning this until their kids finished in college.

This puts me in mind of my friend who had 2 kids with her husband, (married in 1989, had 2 kids 1993, and 1995.) She said just recently, that she had not been happy with him since the kids were around 6 and 8. She planned on leaving him when they were grown.

Then they grew up, but she said that she needed to wait for them to both leave uni, then for them to both leave home. They left in 2017 and 2018. She was 55 by then, and said that sadly, it was too late for her to start over. She said she left it too late, and the only thing on offer now would be men who were desperate, men who just wanted a shag, and (older) men who wanted a carer. She says she regrets not leaving sooner.

I guess it's debateable if 55 is too old to start over for a woman, but she said it definitely was.

Yes - 3 lots of couples that had all been together years that all surprised me. Others have surprised me by staying together!

Yes. DH’s best mate and his wife. They’d been together 25 years with teen children and seemed like one of those couples who had a great balance - seemed to do a lot together as a family and as a couple, both had good careers and separate hobbies/social lives, always seemed to be off on holiday or up to something fun and both really lovely, sunny personalities. Also had a lovely lifestyle, nice house, very social and always having bbqs and parties with friends. They just seemed lovely and easy and affectionate with each other.

She had an affair with a much younger colleague. I think DH’s friend would’ve forgiven her and given their marriage a chance, but she left him (not for the OM, she also dumped him). So, she wasn’t very happy after all I guess.

I was really, genuinely shocked by it. It’s true that you really don’t ever know what goes on in a relationship.

Only one couple really surprised me. My cousin and his wife. They'd been together since they were 16 (bar a couple of years when they started uni and decided to explore). Married at 26. Had been married for ten years and always thought they were a really together couple. One day she just walked out. Turned out she'd been having an affair with her boss for six years.

Thankfully hes just remarried a lovely woman and thry seen so happy.

Tbh there's been more couples I thought would seperate that never did then the other way round

I worked with a guy whose wife up and left for a woman just months after they had adopted two children (at her insistence )to add to their biological family. I was very shocked. They were in their 30s childhood sweethearts, both community orientated and strictly religious . He got custody and she and as far as I know never sees the kids.

Yes, I've been surprised, but then not surprised when I found out the details, it makes some sense afterwards.

My DB was a total surprise for me, but it turned out he'd been having an affair with a (married) woman he shared a hobby with. It had been going for a few years. That woman is still married, and still sees my DB!

Going back many many years, in my first job I was working closely with a colleague who started the same week week as me (2 women, about 10 guys) so we ended up being close friends. She was so much fun! Especially after a few drinks :) She had moved to England for this job, but was from a very conservative catholic background. She met someone, seemed a great match, and they got married after 2 years and had 3 kids over 5 years, she also left the work force and we lost contact.

Much to my surprise, she re-joined us a few years later, and we rekindled our relationship. She had separated and over time I got to know more details and then it wasn't a surprise what happened (it was ultra conservative stuff, sex was for procreation only, it was not fun, didn't believe me that women could orgasm, etc.). I still see her from time to time working in the same location, and she seems very happy and has not remarried.

No never. I'm more surprised when people are still married.

Yep twice. Both couples were my role models for good relationships. Because I'm shit at relationships. Was totally thrown by both.
Years ago now. I'm an old cynic now - can't think anyone would surprise me.

yes been surprised sometimes.
Usually it seems a lot more obvious afterwards.

People met my parents post-divorce & said couldn't imagine them being together -- yet I can remember clearly when my parents were very happy together and jelled well.

Only one has truly shocked me at that was only because of their ages. My parents were very close to a couple from before I was even born, and I grew up with their kids. Their marriage always had issues and the husband could be a massive prick - my parents both encouraged the wife many, many times to leave him but she wouldn't. Then lo and behold, she left him when she was 65 after 42 years of marriage. We were all stunned.

She's 80 now, and has been very happily remarried for 10+ years.

One couple who had a baby in their twenties, seemed very happy. They lived in Scotland, but his family was in Cornwall. When the baby was still small he went to visit his Mum and Dad and never came back.
It was devastating for his wife.

This reads like a whole pile of sheudenfreud. Let’s gloat about those so called perfect marriages which ended

No but I know a number of couples I thought wouldn't last 5 years who are still married 25 plus years later and happy in as much as outsider can tell.

My friend called time on her marriage, she had been married 50 years.