... to ask if you were ever totally surprised by married couple splitting up?

[20Past3]

Over the years I've had friends and family that have been separated or divorced, and I've typically not been surprised. All were the obvious reasons like asshole/abusive/lazy DH, affairs, alcohol, etc. Typically the writing was on the wall, and I was never surprised when it finally happened. In fact, I was in one such situation! Nobody was at all surprised.

Over the last months, I've been totally shocked by one of my best friends divorce, and now by DSis separation. These just seem out of the blue, no forewarning, I'd consider them great couples with so much going for them (both in early 50s). Really makes me sad thinking about it.

AIBU, to ask if you've ever been totally surprised? It's new for me :(

My friend discovered her DH was having an affair which shocked everyone.
He was/is just so kind and nice to the point of being a bit dull.

Yes I have been recently surprised, particularly at the DHs behaviour.

For longer term stable relationships, where people come close to splitting in 40s or 50s, I can speak from experience. I was in a situation where kids were older, on one hand I had more time, but on the other have I was busy busy busy with work and a new hobby.

I did notice I was making less effort in the relationship, taking a lot of things for granted, often looking after number 1! When in fact my DH is a gem, we had a nice life, and so on. I deliberately chose to make more of an effort in the relationship, do things with/for DH, etc. I'm inclined very focused, and not the most empathetic person, so I think making that effort works foe me (us).

Equally I have been surprised by some who have lasted & what they have overlooked!

Some yrs ago my DH nearly died & it woke me up. We had small dc, he was working a lot etc & we were tired & nit picking at each other. It certainly made us more appreciative of each other.

A couple of friends of ours seemed solid - he was very much a hands on devoted dad to the dc and appeared to adore his wife.

One day he just upped and left, it seemed just as much of a shock to her as to everyone else. Turned out he had been seeing another woman for about 18 months and ended up marrying her, although they are now divorced.

Yes, quite recently in my extended family. Nobody saw it coming, not even the person whose spouse upped and left suddenly. They didn't have a clue.

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with men who just want a shag. Particularly if they don't expect breakfast.

In all honesty no. Of all the couples I know who've split it was pretty obvious there was issues or that they simply weren't compatible.
I know two couples who I'm surprised are still together though.

One of my friends split up with her husband in 2019 and I was shocked. They'd been together 15 years, been long distance, survived some really tough times. They'd just bought a big family house together and then suddenly it was over.

Turns out, she wanted kids and he didn't.
She thought for 15 years he would change his mind, but he was adamant.

Yes just once, my brother. She was having an affair. Totally blindsided by it because she was the most dependable person I've ever known and she has not only hurt my brother, but their three young children too. Never expected her to do something like that in a million years.

Yes but like pp, more surprised by those who've stayed together.

Agree with the earlier poster about being more surprised with some certain couples staying together, when externally I'd think they are incompatible. Surely the Trump family must be such an example.

A close friend and colleague of mine is an arranged marriage. I know there are are lots of issues, but they have no intention to separate. She would be in a very good situation financially too, since she works in tech, and they have no kids.

Just the once - a school friend and colleague who had met her DH at uni, had 5 kids with him, both successful in their careers, all kids in private school and a beautiful house they had just moved into. She caught him having an affair that had apparently been going on since she was pregnant with her fourth child, who was 8 at the time. Really sad for her, she only found out by chance (she had a meeting in London which finished early and was on her way home when she saw her DH kissing the woman at the station). Nobody would have guessed.

I guess it's debateable if 55 is too old to start over for a woman, but she said it definitely was.

That's assuming that a woman wants another relationship. Some women may be perfectly happy living on their own with good social network etc.

@Aquamarine1029

Only one has truly shocked me at that was only because of their ages. My parents were very close to a couple from before I was even born, and I grew up with their kids. Their marriage always had issues and the husband could be a massive prick - my parents both encouraged the wife many, many times to leave him but she wouldn't. Then lo and behold, she left him when she was 65 after 42 years of marriage. We were all stunned.

She's 80 now, and has been very happily remarried for 10+ years.

I'm glad the lady is happy now. But I can't fathom why, after 42 years of a seemingly miserable existence in the marriage to her ex husband, why she would want to get married again.

If me and DH split (married for over 25 years - together for 30 ..,) I would never and I mean NEVER get married again. Couldn't be arsed, seriously.

I mean we are happy, and have a decent marriage. It's had its ups and downs, but for the most part it's been good. But no way would I be getting married again at 50 to 60-odd (or 70 - like this lady you know did...)

I probably wouldn't even bother with another man again tbh. I would possibly consider having a male companion to go out with for meals and on daytrips/possible holidays, but platonic only. No intimate relationship, no living together, most definitely no commitment, and absolutely NO marriage...

In never surprised when the people who shout the loudest on social media about how much they love each other split up.

Only been surprised at one couple, an old neighbour, as they seemed like a lovely all-around family. As was similarly the case further up the thread, as soon as the kids went to uni the man was done and appeared to move on rather quickly with another woman.