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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DDs boyfriend to stay with us

41 replies

flustra · 31/07/2021 16:12

DD is 17, she'll be 18 in a couple of weeks, she's been in a relationship with a boy for a few months. They were previously friends so I knew him etc and he's very nice. He lives with his grandparents as his parents aren't in his life and he didn't have a good childhood. He has mental health issues and he tells DD that he wants to die alot etc. I've also noticed self harm on him but I've never said anything to his grandparents as he is an adult (almost 19).

He stays over sometimes and he is very respectful. Today, DD has asked if he can stay with us as his grandparents are making his mental health worse and they don't care about him. I told her that I'm not sure and I'll speak to DH.

But I don't want him to stay as I'm worried about DD and I don't want her to think she has to 'save' him.

Aibu? I'm happy to be told I am

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 16:13

Totally your call. Your dd can have whomever she likes in her home once she has her own place.

Until then...no he can't stay!

TooWicked · 31/07/2021 16:13

That would be a flat out 'no' from me.

Bopahula · 31/07/2021 16:15

YANBU. It can be really difficult in a relationship like this to get any space. She needs to have her space without him.

I'd say no, I would maybe allow him to stay a couple of nights a week, but that would be it.

Still1nLove · 31/07/2021 16:16

Definitely a no from me.

MaMelon · 31/07/2021 16:16

Nope - YANBU. His mental health is not your responsibility, neither is it your DDs. He needs to seek help from trained professionals, not land everything at your door.

Still1nLove · 31/07/2021 16:16

I doubt I would let my 17dd have boys sleep over

sonjadog · 31/07/2021 16:17

No. Not with such a new relationship.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 16:18

What do you mean stay with you, do you mean live with you permanently? If so then that’s your call but would be a no from me.

MrsEko · 31/07/2021 16:18

No. I’ve a 17 year old and I wouldn’t want to do anything to encourage or enable a serious relationship like this. It’s too much too soon.

Yousexybugger · 31/07/2021 16:20

Poor lad. Your family sound lovely but I agree with a PP that your DD needs to maintain her boundaries here and not get to the point where she feels responsible for his wellbeing. Can you frame it as 'yes, Sam can stay here 2 nights a week but there isn't room for another person here full time' rather than a flat 'no'? You're definitely not being unreasonable.

Beamur · 31/07/2021 16:20

No. I would say he can stay as a guest but he can't move in. Plus how often that means.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/07/2021 16:21

That would be a no from me too, and I have mental health issues.

She is too young to offer him the support he needs. They haven't been together long enough to offer this level of support. It's your home, it will come at a cost to you to, and I don't mean financial, its not something you may feel able to do.

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 16:21

It's worrying that Dd is casting herself into the role of Rescuer - & doubly worrying that this boy makes suicide threats. You don;t need that for yourself, & I'm certain you don't want to enable DD to take on any more emotional load than she already has.

A tough one, as you also don;t want to alienate her ...
I think I'd be going no holds barred, & explaining to her that people who like to control others with sob stories & threats of suicide are not good friendship material, let alone romantic partners.

That sounds horribly harsh, but your job is to protect DD & her MH - not this boy's. If you allow him to move in, how will she ever unmesh herself from him & this unhealthy dynamic?

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/07/2021 16:21

It would be a no from me also.

Yousexybugger · 31/07/2021 16:22

Sorry, I'd phrase that as he can stay 2 nights as her guest.
I don't know but wonder if she might be asking so you say 'no' to him living there full time and take that responsibility off her.

AhNowTed · 31/07/2021 16:22

No I don't think I'd be happy with that.

You'll end up being responsible for him, and your daughter may end up being trapped in a relationship she doesn't want and can't end.

Mamamia7962 · 31/07/2021 16:22

No definitely not. Your daughter is too young for this kind of responsibility and he shouldn't be this reliant on her. He needs professional help for his mental health problems.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/07/2021 16:22

I'd be looking at what he is entitled to support wise, does he have a social worker or a psychiatrist? If so, they need to know.

DancesWithTortoises · 31/07/2021 16:22

No. Just no.

Wolframhart · 31/07/2021 16:24

100% no.

Please protect your daughter. She would be in a committed relationship and feel responsible for him. At 17 she should be able to break up with a boyfriend with no consequences, moving him on takes that away from her.

Galassia · 31/07/2021 16:25

No way. What if they split up and he’s there living under your roof?

Not fair on him or you.

He needs to get a place of his own.

littlebilliie · 31/07/2021 16:46

I agree no, if they want to make a life together that's a good option but not with you

Wriggleon · 31/07/2021 16:50

No way, she is much too young for this. It's a shame for the boy but it's not your daughter's place to rescue him, try and encourage her to see that he needs professional help not her

BumbleMug · 31/07/2021 16:50

No. It’s too young for your DD to be having to save her BF.

ButterflyCat2028 · 31/07/2021 16:55

No, and I'd caution your daughter, as lovely and kind hearted as she sounds. I was very much a 'rescuer' like her and it did not end well, it rarely does. If this boy has been living with grandparents since childhood without issue with them... how much of his talk is mental health related, how much is teen angst and how much is real... and why does your daughter have to be the only person he talks to.