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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DDs boyfriend to stay with us

41 replies

flustra · 31/07/2021 16:12

DD is 17, she'll be 18 in a couple of weeks, she's been in a relationship with a boy for a few months. They were previously friends so I knew him etc and he's very nice. He lives with his grandparents as his parents aren't in his life and he didn't have a good childhood. He has mental health issues and he tells DD that he wants to die alot etc. I've also noticed self harm on him but I've never said anything to his grandparents as he is an adult (almost 19).

He stays over sometimes and he is very respectful. Today, DD has asked if he can stay with us as his grandparents are making his mental health worse and they don't care about him. I told her that I'm not sure and I'll speak to DH.

But I don't want him to stay as I'm worried about DD and I don't want her to think she has to 'save' him.

Aibu? I'm happy to be told I am

OP posts:
smudgemylife · 31/07/2021 16:55

I was that girl - at 16 my boyfriend moved into our family home.
Truth be told I wished my parents would have put their foot down and said no. It was awful in the long run, we both didn't have the skills to be in a serious relationship.
I felt I couldn't voice my opinion as he had it 'so bad' but he absolutely ruined my mental health and it all ended incredibly badly.
For a long time I resented my parents for not actually 'parenting' and preventing the situation from happening in the first place.
She won't see it now but saying no - and sticking to it - will be the best thing you can do for her.

tara66 · 31/07/2021 16:55

I would say 'no'.

RaginaPhalange · 31/07/2021 16:56

Hard no from me. Mainly because of his mh issues I don't think that's fair for them to put that on you. He needs help from professionals.

However if you're happy to let him stay some nights a week then continue with it.

WildBurd · 31/07/2021 16:57

No way.

ShippingNews · 31/07/2021 16:57

Definitely a no from me. And I did it - well it was very similar, with the boy being my DS's friend rather than a romantic relationship.

I thought I was being helpful, giving him a safe home, away from his toxic parents. But in the end it was us who had a toxic home, because he was in it. He and DS fell out, but since he had no options of where to live , I was stuck with having him staying there. He used his mental health issues to manipulate everyone in the family, and it got to the stage where I felt like running away from home.

It only ended when he found a girlfriend, and moved on to her place.

I'd say , don't do it under any circumstances. Your DD should be your priority, not him. And as I know, once you've said "yes", it becomes almost impossible to say "no" later when it all falls apart.

blahblahblah321 · 31/07/2021 16:58

I agree with others who say she is too young to take on this responsibility. I do feel sorry for the boy though Sad

LibbyL92 · 31/07/2021 16:58

My parents went through this with my brother and his girlfriend who were 23-24 at the time. It turned out to be a massive issue, created a huge family rift.

After a year my mum had to ‘kick’ her out. It took a good few years to recover the relationship with my brother.

They are so young as well, I really wouldn’t do this.

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 16:59

It's too much too soon in a relationship, even if there were no mental health issues.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 17:01

You need to try and protect your daughter from him, not allow them to live together, fgs. The answer should be a hard NO.

stripedbananas · 31/07/2021 17:02

A big fat no from me too.

But I would be happy to have him around more and I'd want to spend more time alone with him to just chat and find out more about him and his life as DD obvs likes him a lot.

SemperIdem · 31/07/2021 17:04

Definitely not. She might not thank you now but she will when she is a bit older

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/07/2021 17:04

Nope. It moves their relationship to a completely different level and she’s too young for that, even without all the boyfriends issues.

Dontbeme · 31/07/2021 17:05

It's a no from me too, why can't he get a room in a house share at 19, he's not obligated to stay in his grandparents home if he's not comfortable there, it's too much too young for your DD.

starskey80 · 31/07/2021 17:55

No from me. She's far too young to live with a boyfriend. I hope she's got plenty of friends and has a life away frim him?
I'd worry for her if this was my daughter.

Thadhiya · 31/07/2021 18:11

No, we had this in our extended family. Boyfriend comes to live in the girlfriend's family home. First of all, the parents gained a new child - lazy, messy, rude. Next, the constant closeness mean the couple fought, and she was always in tears as he said horrible things to her. Then she felt she couldn't break up with him, as he'd have nowhere to live, so she became horribly despairing, trapped and depressed, quit her job and career path.

Now they're getting married. Why? The mother kept nagging for it, telling her daughter their horrible cooped-up life was 'normal'.

In reality the poor girl never saw the possibility of any other life once the boyfriend had been moved in, with her parents' approval. She couldn't escape him, in her own home.

Purplealienpuke · 31/07/2021 20:18

My friend was in your situation. She allowed the boyfriend to move in. His mental health issues became the focus of the whole family.
After they broke up and he moved out he took his own life.
It had a knock on affect for her daughters mental health....
On that basis its a no from me too.

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