AIBU to question if this marriage will work like this

[CandyFair]

DH doesn't like my mum there's a lot of personality clash and ridiculous argument over the years, I've kind of come to terms that he will never like her. But recently he's stopped even going to hers for BBQ /Sunday dinner etc
The pandemic gave him a perfect excuse to not have to go... But now we are out the other end we want to start doing things again and there's always a barrier with my mum

But putting my mum aside, this next part is to do with my DNan. She died in February and due to pandemic could only have limited at funeral and no wake... Due to this we are holding a family memorial day later in august for her. He is hesitating with saying whether he's going to come to this for support.

Also a friend is getting married soon and me and him are invited and he's also giving the same hesitancy

He's an introvert, has no friends and doesn't like socializing much. So I'm in a battle in my head if I just accept these characteristics and accept I will have to attend events alone, or wonder if this marriage will work?

You can’t change him. I’d rather leave him at home. Can you cope with the embarrassment of having to explain his absence? Will he resent you going alone?

The not getting on with your mother is the thing I’d find most inconvenient. You need to work out how much it matters.

When I was married to a man, he was in most things very lovely and easy to live with. But he had a kind of 'blind spot' when it came to spending time with most of my friends and with my family and he got very mardy indeed about this.

The worst was when a close friend, for her 40th birthday, invited her 10 closest friends plus partners to a meal (which she paid for) in a very good restaurant. Right up until time to leave (and I drove, so he could drink) for the restaurant, he was whining that he didn't want to go, it would be boring, etc.

A really good meal, paid for by someone else who really wanted him there - and he was trying to get out of it. I got him to come and he spent all the evening in animated conversation with a couple of very nice blokes at our end of the table, lots of laughter, etc.

As we drove away, I said "That was nice, wasn't it?" He replied "I was a bit bored..."

Reader, I left him for a woman! OP, some men are like this. You cannot change them, it hurts to try to reason with them - I used to say "It's a few hours of your time and it avoids hurting others and embarrassing me." Never seemed to make any difference. Was I expected to go to things with his friends and family? Of course!

I think it really depends on what sort of marriage you want.

My husband isn't terribly social but would come to anything I ask him to go to.

Saying NO to practically everything isn't something I would want to commit to for my life, but each to their own.

My friends husband never attends anything.
She has a very busy social life 100% on her own.
Her husband is a really lovely man and devoted to her and the family but has zero interest in a social life.
He is fine with her family though, so no issue there.
She is very happily married.

Why doesn't he get on with your mum?

My best friends mum is a nightmare, she is always frustrated that her wife doesn't want to spend time with them but realistically if the problem was posted on mumsnet as a "Aibu to go low contact with mil" lots of people would be encouraging it and condemning the wife saying that she was being unsupportive and the typical "you don't have mil problem you have dh/dw problem"

Some people can have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to their own parents so i think its hard to make a judgement without knowing why

He's dedicated to me and our DC without question at all, I trust him completeley, he's a provider, So in this respect he is a good husband.

Early in our relationship social occasions went ahead without an issue, I organised most of them TBH! I loved a house party. But since we have had kids he's less and less likely to socialize and the cracks started with him and my mum as, I guess, she was on my life more when we had kids.

I do have to attend most social events alone, we nearly broke up before we had kids as I was upset at attending things alone and then for a while he did come (and subsequently was a laugh!) But then shortly after we had our first DC that was pretty much it... The arugements about mum (he thinks she's intrusive and lacks judgement (due to several failed relationships)... So less and less likely to come to my mum's... And now other occasions too.

It's starting to get me down as I'm such a social person I always want a full life with a packed diary and seeing people. He's quite happy to be at home.

In theory he doesn't mind me going to things as long as it doesn't disrupt his life.

I guess as our DC are now 7 and 3 and not tied down by sleep deprivation or scheduled nap time, I want my life to open up again and just feel like if I'm always going out without him, what kind of marriage is it ?

Why does he think she's intrusive and lacks judgement?

@Hipt

Why does he think she's intrusive and lacks judgement?

Because she's had several relationships in the 14 years me and DH have been together, and she wants to always introduce us to him (not normally a problem but for DH is 1. Too early (as it'll probably end anyway due to her history) and 2. Too many intros, especially since having kids - doesn't want them to be introduced to "random men".

TBF to DH on this , I agree with the last point, and I have spoke to DM about this and said under no circumstances will new boyfriend(s) be involved in childcare. But TBF to DM on this, she's only had 2 boyfriend in 7 years - not everyone's as lucky in love as my DH 🤣 he will just be there when we go for dinner/visits etc.

He's got issues with her buying things for the kids too ("it's tat") so I had to put a stop to this and she now gives regular pocket money instead.

It seems like everything she does is wrong to him.

They're both so so dissimilar, they have zero in common, they're both ends of the social spectrum. She's "loud" and extrovert, he's quiet and introvert. None are wrong,but they just don't mix well.

It's absolutely horrible being in the middle

I think your mum's doing the right thing introducing the guys to her family, because if they aren't treating her well then more people will witness it and tell her to dump them.

Frankly he sounds a right bloody misery. You sound completely different to each other.

@HollowTalk

I think your mum's doing the right thing introducing the guys to her family, because if they aren't treating her well then more people will witness it and tell her to dump them.

Frankly he sounds a right bloody misery. You sound completely different to each other.

We are so different in so so many ways.

We have some similarities that we both try and exercise as much as we can so we are supportive in the others needs to use the gym/go for a run; we protect that time for one another (sounds minor, but with two DCs it's hard to find this time), we both support each other's work goals (he supported me while I retrained as a midwife before DC came along) , I support his too. We both like naice things for the house 🤣 we want a nice family home etc.

It's just when anything extends to outside of our home, it's pretty much a no go.

He actually quite liked lockdown 🤦🏻‍♀️

It depends on you really, there's no right or wrong here. If it's not what you want, fair enough.

For me though, I wouldn't/don't mind this at all. My DH isn't really in to socialising but that's fine with me. We spend most of our time together, so I see social occasions as a chance to see others. Same with my parents and family. My DH gets on well with them, but doesn't come to weekly bbq/Sunday roast. I'd rather go alone and have a more relaxed catch up with my parents, meanwhile he can have some time to relax at home.

I'm sorry but I don't think I could live like this, and I'm an introvert myself!

Fair enough he doesn't want to socialise a lot but I can't imagine spending the rest of your life going to funerals and weddings and family events alone. I'd be worried he wouldn't step up when your kids start having their own important events too.

Can you have a serious conversation with him where you work out a compromise? You won't ask him to every random thing but he agrees to go to important events?

I think yabu in that he was an introvert long before he married you. That is who he is. And tbf to him, I would be very against having someone have a revolving door of men around my dc.
It's not like he is against socializing with your friends and family, he seems like this applies to his own side as well.
I don't think you are compatible at all.
As an introvert myself, your mum being a loud shouty person would be the last person I want to be around. I understand that he needs to suck it up at times, but not all the time. As an introvert, I married an introvert and we are happily compatible. You want him to be someone he isn't, I don't think that makes for a great way to live.

I wouldn’t have a problem at all with DH skipping random get togethers that he didn’t fancy. I’m sociable and he’s not, that’s fine.

Family funerals that you would like his support at? Not a chance.

Relationships are often about compromise and the compromises shouldn’t only be made by one person.

I've been single for 21 years now and I have no problem going to events alone. If I was in a relationship though I wouldn't want to go to everything alone. Part of the fun of being in a relationship is doing things/socialising together.

OP you need to decide what you can live with.

2 boyfriends in 7 years, is not a string of failed relationships and introducing her grandchildren to "random men". I'd be very cross with DH if he used this as a reason to justify my mother having a lack of judgement.

I think it's low of him not to attend the memorial service. Turning up alone to weddings could give the impression that there are martial issues, although I would probably leave the kids with him and enjoy the day by myself if I had lots of friends and family there.

My husband is very similar, however it is more easily described as a lack of enthusiasm for life in general, which I find hard. He is, as you say, a provider, very involved around the home and dc but absolutely no interest in doing anything, bar a trip to cinema say. He would go to a funeral though, very much so. I agree you are probably incompatible and he was likely always like this so it's over to you now.. Following with interest.

If your Husband has his own reasons for not socialising, then let him be. no point in having issues with this. There must be hundreds of people in some families who are like this. High expectations from people in a family, are not always going to happen.

It can wear thin though, always showing up solo to things.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

It can wear thin though, always showing up solo to things.

It does ... It doesn't feel right. I mean I'm happy to go to most things alone, and often do, but when the big/important things happen, and I have to go alone, I imagine what it would be like to have someone who does want to socialise with me. But then would I lose the other things and moan that he goes out too much 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

It's coming to a head for me anyway OP, as our differences are really in focus at the moment. Spending a day on the beach feels like a trial, watch checking etc. The problem in my house seems to be fun and enthusiasm avoidance, overall, so it might be different in that way.

But then would I lose the other things and moan that he goes out too much

You probably wouldn’t though because in a healthy relationship you’d both compromise so you were both happy. Rather than your DH doing just exactly what he wants and not caring what you’d like.

And I suppose you have to weigh up your priorities - are the things he does now more important to you than the going it alone socially?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

It's coming to a head for me anyway OP, as our differences are really in focus at the moment. Spending a day on the beach feels like a trial, watch checking etc. The problem in my house seems to be fun and enthusiasm avoidance, overall, so it might be different in that way.

I do feel like even when I plan fun days out for the family there's never much enthusiasm. I'm always the one booking and planning these things and when I tell him what I'd like us to do as a family, it's 50/50 the response.

He had 2 days off last week and I said this is probably the only 2 days we will have together a family for most of the summer (barring the odd day here and there) as I was off last week and usually I work on his days off... I wanted to do an overnight somewhere theme park and hotel etc... There was resistance to do it from.him though so it never happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ wish I'd gone alone and taken the kids now (although that's another thing - in the past when I've done the exact same thing, he then has a problem with it... Especially if my mum is coming instead of him!)

OP he may have autism