AIBU to question if this marriage will work like this

[CandyFair]

DH doesn't like my mum there's a lot of personality clash and ridiculous argument over the years, I've kind of come to terms that he will never like her. But recently he's stopped even going to hers for BBQ /Sunday dinner etc
The pandemic gave him a perfect excuse to not have to go... But now we are out the other end we want to start doing things again and there's always a barrier with my mum

But putting my mum aside, this next part is to do with my DNan. She died in February and due to pandemic could only have limited at funeral and no wake... Due to this we are holding a family memorial day later in august for her. He is hesitating with saying whether he's going to come to this for support.

Also a friend is getting married soon and me and him are invited and he's also giving the same hesitancy

He's an introvert, has no friends and doesn't like socializing much. So I'm in a battle in my head if I just accept these characteristics and accept I will have to attend events alone, or wonder if this marriage will work?

Take your Mum next time, he can't have it all ways.

Very similar so OP. We are in counselling currently, which has been good and has helped with more direct communication, which tbh I had given up on as it got me nowhere. We've been encouraged to write down what we want more of and less of and compared.. Ask for your needs to be met type thing, bring to awareness the lack of interest etc. Mine definitely making more of an effort which general conversation and some interest in my life.. Which feels so separate to home life if that makes sense. The overall feeling though is living in a black and white, flat world and it's not enough for me.

I would expect my DH to support me going a family members funeral or a close friends wedding. It’s a few hours, he can suck it up as you would be expected to do for his family no doubt. My DH is not social at all, but still goes to my family dinners/ funerals/ social events which add up to a few times a year probably as I’m not hugely social either and live miles away from family. He chats away no bother even though I know he’d rather be at home. I do the same for him and his family though I find his family hard work at times. Even if there was a personality clashes or conflict,
I would expect him to avoid close conversation with that person or make polite/neutral conversation if unavoidable as I have done with his at times. Basically he’s saying unless he is completely entertained and engaged in what’s going on he isn’t going, and god forbid he feels a bit bored 😐 Why does he get to do exactly what he wants but not you? Marriage does involve compromise at times from both people.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Very similar so OP. We are in counselling currently, which has been good and has helped with more direct communication, which tbh I had given up on as it got me nowhere. We've been encouraged to write down what we want more of and less of and compared.. Ask for your needs to be met type thing, bring to awareness the lack of interest etc. Mine definitely making more of an effort which general conversation and some interest in my life.. Which feels so separate to home life if that makes sense. The overall feeling though is living in a black and white, flat world and it's not enough for me.

When we had a huge huge argument earlier in the year, we did Agree to go to counselling. It's so hard to find the time to do this though. He hasn't shown any interest in doing it since then, and too much time has passed for me to bring it up now.

I was going to say it's probably not so bad until I saw his reluctance to do stuff with your and the DC. That is an issue.

DH and I tend to see out respective families separately. He works on Saturdays, I don't. So it's easier for me and the DC to go to my parents when he's working, and he takes the DC to his parents on a Sunday while I have some time to myself.

We do a lot socially separately because it's easier with childcare, one stays home with the kids. But, we do go out together a lot on dates when we can get childcare. For the big occasions, I know DH would come without needing to be asked. And we always go out and do loads as a family.

I say this as an introvert too, but to me funerals and weddings are pretty much a rule that you are expected to support your partner, unless there is a really good excuse (e.g. serious illness, unavoidable work commitment, his friend is getting married the same day). That's just a given for being in a relationship, some things are expected to commit to and with good grace. Plus how many weddings/funerals does the average person go to in a year anyway?

Other things it wouldn't bother me much to go alone most of the time but would expect him to make an effort once in a while - e.g go to something every other month or something - up to him if that's half an hour having a cup of tea with your mum, or a meal for a friend's birthday you'd like him to attend. I think accepting I would be attending the majority of events alone I could do, accepting he would never be around to support me or would moan about it constantly, would be too much.

I am an introvert and I don’t have any friends. It doesn’t mean I am incapable of interacting with other human beings ever or that I turn down all social events. I usually enjoy social events, but because I a an introvert, they drain my battery and I will spend some time on my own recharging.

I think being an introvert to avoid going to things is an excuse and a pretty poor one at that. In particular not attending the memorial is an insult, I have had a few family bereavements since I met my husband and I cannot imagine him choosing to sit one out.

That's no reason not to bring it up again tho op, of course you can and of course he's happy to let it go.. That in itself is telling wrt how interested or willing he is to change things. He's happy with the status quo and you are probably on auto pilot, it's easier than having to always be the one pushing for things. Like you, I have to book and plan and if I don't, it doesn't happen. He does other things, yes, but they don't matter to me, those things are not as important as living life. Anyway similarly, we agreed to it and then he resisted two days later, hoping I'm sure that I'd go away and get caught up with life again but I ended up saying either we do it now or we've no hope, I wasn't staying as we were (I'd had an epiphany the previous weekend). I've set my next birthday as being the end of this time and we'll either be on the mend or finished. The counselling has been enlightening all round.

Complaining about you organising things without him when he doesn’t want to go is out of order.

That’s not making a choice to not go, that’s trying to impose his choice on all of you and that’s not on.

I am an introvert. I have a couple of close friends that's it.

I think being an introvert is a piss poor excuse for not engaging in family activities.

I don't think he should have to go to all. But he isn't going to any and doesn't appear to even want to do things with just you and the kids.

Marriages can survive with one person not wanting to socialise. However, he doesnt want to do anything with anyone. Not supporting you at a memorial, not wanting to do things with you and the kids etc.

I think he appears to be a harsh on your mum. She isn't the kids parent. Kids meet other families members new partners all the time. I agree they shouldn't be doing childcare. But I don't think it's going to harm the children to meet their nanas new friend. It's not the same as a child meeting a parents new partner and then another and then another. Unless she is trying to force the kids to call them grandad, I don't see the issue. This sounds like an excuse from your dh because he just doesn't like her.

If you suspect some sort of mental health problem you need to speak to him and he needs to seek help.

If this is just how he is and isn't interested in change. I don't think this will work. You will be essentially, attending everything on your own. You will be having days out and trips away with the kids on your own. That gets tiresome after a while.

I am extremely introverted (not to be confused with socially inept or unsociable though) and I can see why your DH would want to minimise interactions with a person such as your mum. I tend to avoid loud brash people.

Personally I avoid family holidays and some gatherings, but i will distinguish and go with DH to some important ones: milestone birthdays, Christmas, weddings, funerals, christenings, friends or family who need support and cheer after certain life events (e.g. deaths or divorce) etc. Imo your DH is being U to be hesitant on your friend's wedding and nan's memorial.

I think certainly in the short term, give him one good chance to be involved and explain that you're going anyway, so will take a friend/your mum if he doesn't want to. It's not on to decline something and then complain if the person does it without you; it really isn't.

He sounds very judgemental. Does he hold men to the same standards?

What I noticed was what i had gotten used to.. Things that years ago would have upset me or not been good enough had become the norm.