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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- new sibling, new room

42 replies

Namechange1234589 · 31/07/2021 10:20

Name changed for this as some details may be outing.
We are expecting our second baby in December- yet to tell our 3yo about them as we wanted to have the 20wk scan done first.
We live in a 3bed semi and currently 3yo is in a toddler bed in smallest bedroom which was/is the nursery. Due to my DH's snoring and my insomnia 95% of the time we sleep apart- he sleeps in back room and I sleep in main bedroom. This may be weird for many but for us it works and means we both get decent night's rest (toddler permitting) and can function well the next day. Also doesn't stop cuddles, intimacy etc.
Anyway with baby 2 on way I am now feeling very anxious about sleeping set up- I knew we couldn't afford to move to 4bed when we were TTC but it seemed a distant issue.
Ultimately 3yo needs to move bedrooms into the backroom and we need to redecorate and get it set up for her. My question is though- when does the official move need to happen? My mum seems to think we need to move her into back bedroom asap so her nose won't be out of joint when baby arrives. I am really reluctant to kiss goodbye to a few month's worth of decent sleep before baby arrives by having DH move back in full time to main bedroom. The 3rd bedroom/nursery is too small to fit a double bed in and at best would accommodate a single mattress on the floor- no frame- although still need to measure to verify this. My DH will not - understandably- want to sleep on a single mattress on floor of nursery for several months and I will struggle being heavily pregnant to do this although I would deffo consider it if it meant uninterrupted sleep.
AIBU to think we redecorate back bedroom in advance of baby, but keep double bed in there until at least baby arrives and keep 3yo in nursery until it's time for baby to move out of sleeping in main bedroom with me? My mum is really pushing the need for re-decoration to happen very soon which is stressing me out.
Thoughts/comments/suggestions of alternative plans more than welcome!

OP posts:
dogsandall · 31/07/2021 10:23

I think I agree with your mum. If the toddler doesn't enjoy the change in rooms or is unsettled by it, then you don't want it to be associated with the arrival of the new baby.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 31/07/2021 10:23

Your mum needs to butt out. It’s not her house, bedroom, children or sleep.

Your DP needs to organise himself with his snoring. See a GP.

Mumdiva99 · 31/07/2021 10:27

Don't worry for now. Baby can stay with you for the next 6 months. Honestly once you are ready to change things do it then. The baby won't care what's on the walls.

You might find that your ds wants to share a room with the new sibling and you can decorate the larger room for the 2 kids and make the small bedroom your husbands room.

Mum's mean we'll but ultimately it's your house and your decision.

TwoLeftElbows · 31/07/2021 10:30

I do agree with your mum on moving your 3yo earlier.

We always planned for the children to share, and to keep the little room as a parent's bed. We moved the older one into the 2nd bedroom well before the baby was due (decorated with them both in mind) and turned the nursery into a spare adult room. Baby was in the main bedroom until 10/11 months then moved in with sibling.

I think it's lovely for them to share when they are little. They carried on sharing even after we moved to a 4 bed.

2Rebecca · 31/07/2021 10:30

I hated sharing a bedroom as a child. Husband needs to talk to his GP and dentist and lose weight if he is overweight

Stevearnottsbeard · 31/07/2021 10:31

You've got nearly a year before this becomes a big problem, newborns usually sleep in the same room as you for the first 6 months so I don't see what the rush is and by then your daughter will be a bit older so will be able to help with choosing what she wants in her new room which will make it more appealing and exciting for her, it will be an adventure as opposed to kicking her out of her room. As for your husbands snoring, carry on as you are and cross that bridge when the time comes.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/07/2021 10:32

Having a new sibling even if they love them and their routine isnt disrupted etc, is very unsettling for a toddler. Lots of sleep regression and toilet training regressions etc. It doesnt matter when you do it, but I wouldnt move the toddler into a new room at a similar time as having a new baby. I think that's too much change. I personally would redecorate now as its always easier with just a toddler than a toddler and a baby. And if you dont want to move the toddler yet, just move them when you move the baby in their own room after a few months

DeathStare · 31/07/2021 10:32

I assume the baby will be in with you or your DH for several months? If so I'd leave things as they are until then. At that point your toddler and baby might be able to share the bigger room and put a single bed in the smaller room.

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2021 10:32

The second baby stayed in our room for a year so during that time we redecorated - let dc help choose colours and accessories. We never has nursery for any of them.

So if your planning to keep baby in your room then I'd wait.

Could the toddler not sleep in double bed and his dd join him later?

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2021 10:33

Not dd I mean dad

Original poster
Namechange1234589 · 31/07/2021 10:34

@TwoLeftElbows what was the age gap between your two when you moved them in together? I think long term a room share between the two DCs would be great and keep the nursery then with a small adult bed for DH and I to take turns sleeping in. BUT my worry would be the DCs would wake each other up- especially the little one waking the older one who, overall is a pretty good sleeper.

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:34

I think keeping a bed - at least a single if you can't fit a double - in the nursery is a life saver for the first year or 2!

Tatum1234 · 31/07/2021 10:35

Baby will be in with you anyway for at least 6 months so there’s no rush. I’d leave it as long as possible.
We had an extra bedroom built when our child was 3 and baby was 10 months, they then switched rooms when it was ready with no issues as we just kept the baby in with us until then.

takealettermsjones · 31/07/2021 10:35

If it were me, I would

  • tell my mum to butt out
  • take steps to address the insomnia (unless it's pregnancy related)
  • get DH to address the snoring
  • start getting the little one excited about the move now (and helping to pick colours, curtains, bedding etc) even if you're not going to do the move yet

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

DinosaurDiana · 31/07/2021 10:35

Ignore your mother, do what you think is right.
The baby will be in with you for 6 months anyway, so can’t you just stay as you are until that needs to happen ?
And don’t apologise for separate bedrooms, it saves many marriages !

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 10:36

Why do you need to move the toddler?

Decorate the back room as a nursery and have a bed in it for you to sleep in?? Or DH??

Original poster
Namechange1234589 · 31/07/2021 10:37

@Hankunamatata I don't think many could stay asleep through DH's snoring, plus we made the mistake of making PFB a very precious sleeper with blackout blinds, deadly silent house- us tiptoeing round, white noise machine etc. I am internally cursing us for doing this- but at the time we were just so desperate for some unbroken sleep when they were tiny we kept adding things to 'try' to their sleep routine and here we are....

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 31/07/2021 10:37

Yes, I think moving the toddler before the baby comes is the right thing. It’s a lot of chasing their little life, so gradually would be better.
Obviously dh needs to sort his snoring. Would you be better in single beds than a double?

Patty101 · 31/07/2021 10:38

Personally, I don't see the need to move your older child until new baby is a few months old. Then it gives you chance to really sell it to her, making out that moving bedrooms is a big reward for being such a good big sister, etc. And like poster above suggested, she can really get involved with choosing how it gets decorated so she is much more likely to see the move as a positive thing.

Sandsnake · 31/07/2021 10:41

The thing is, the problem with you and your husband sleeping together isn’t going to magically go away (unless he gets help, which I’d recommend). It won’t be sustainable for you to have no sleep whether you’re pregnant or in the future when the baby is here. Personally I’d keep three year old where she is, with ‘big girl’ room redecoration. Set back room up as nursery / your spare sleeping room combined and keep that as the default until either a) husband sorts it or b) you can afford to move. Good luck!

Drivingmeupthewall · 31/07/2021 10:41

Your DH needs to stop being a selfish twat and get his snoring sorted out by a doctor, or sort whatever problem causes it, be that weight or excessive drinking, smoking etc.

Would he really happily let you sleep, heavily pregnant, on a mattress on the floor because he would refuse to?

Would he really say, “suck it up. I don’t care that my snoring disturbs you. Or if you’re so desperate to be in a separate room so you can sleep because of my snoring, you’ll have to have the floor because no way am I doing that.” Hmm if so, he’s an arsehole.

I’d probably choose to get the three year old settled while I’m in a position to focus my attention on them, rather than move them when I’m massively distracted by the new baby.

Original poster
Namechange1234589 · 31/07/2021 10:41

Many of you are also confirming what I deep down also knew- I have a bit of a DM problem. She means so well but is very forceful in her opinions and I am not that great always at standing up to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and am so grateful for the fact she does care, show huge interest in her grandchild, helps us out massively with childcare saving us a small fortune etc.

@Tatum1234 that would be the dream- to get an additional bedroom built somehow. Sadly budget is not going to stretch the 70k anytime soon for loft conversion I've lusted after ever since we bought this house.

@RandomMess hmm this could work well and then when baby old enough do the back bedroom up as a sharing room for them and older DC? Although if we did this we may as well then keep baby in with me in main bedroom and DH in back bedroom. Benefit of your plan would be baby and I wouldn't be sharing a wall with 3yo's current nursery room so hopefully 3yo wouldn't be disturbed by night wakings.

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:43

[quote Namechange1234589]@Hankunamatata I don't think many could stay asleep through DH's snoring, plus we made the mistake of making PFB a very precious sleeper with blackout blinds, deadly silent house- us tiptoeing round, white noise machine etc. I am internally cursing us for doing this- but at the time we were just so desperate for some unbroken sleep when they were tiny we kept adding things to 'try' to their sleep routine and here we are....[/quote]
I did the same with my first one (and second to some extend).
Both sleep amazingly well. Even moved them in own bedroom at 3 months to have more quiet.

Arrive baby number 3, born in a noisy and busy house. Worst sleeper the world has ever know.

There's no such thing as a "precious sleeper" and "babies need to learn to sleep through anything". Complete bollocks. Some do sleep, some don't.

It's just another way some parents judge others for doing differently and try to pretend they are the perfect parent.

AperolWhore · 31/07/2021 10:43

Why do you have to move the toddler? Set the spare room up as a new nursery but also get a sofa bed or small bed you can leave in there then once babies are both settled they can share eventually x

clickychicky · 31/07/2021 10:44

I agree with your DM last thing you want is new room being linked to baby being on the way.

DP needs to see a doctor about his snoring.