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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use this name

59 replies

gerbilfur · 31/07/2021 09:56

Genuinely willing to be told if I'm being u.

Nc as outing.

I have a best friend, for the last 30 years. She has 2 ds and is pregnant with her 3rd ds. He will be her final dc. I have 1 ds.

There is a girls name she's always really liked, she said she'd use it if she ever had a dd. It also happened to be the favourite name of my late grandmother, who was pretty much my best friend.

I'm getting a puppy soon, and it's a girl. I want to use the name for the pup, however my friend I'd really hurt that I took her dd name. I said I thought it would be OK as she will not be having a dd.

Am I being insensitive? Should I change puppy name? I honestly only wanted to use it as name reminds me so much of my nan but my friend is more important and I don't want to hurt her.

OP posts:
HPLikecraft · 31/07/2021 10:48

I think some people have misunderstood here. The friend isn’t childless or unable to conceive, she has 3 DC already! Would be “insensitive” if the friend was currently TTC or had fertility problems.

reminds her of the daughter she’ll never have FGS

That said, I’d probably not use the name myself.

angieloumc · 31/07/2021 10:51

OP, you sound like a good friend to me. Yes your wording to her may have been a little insensitive but (even though she is a bit unreasonable IMO) you're thinking of your friendship and calling your puppy a different name.
On a lighter note have you got a photo if says puppy, would love to see it...

NormanStangerson · 31/07/2021 10:55

I cannot understand people taking the side of the insane friend. Use the name. Your friend will get over herself eventually.

AliasGrape · 31/07/2021 10:56

I think you’re right to change it.
I think she’s being a bit silly but at the same time she’s a good friend and if she’s expressed it would hurt her feelings then you’re being a good friend by changing it.

There’s far more options for dogs anyway - could you use your grandma’s middle name or some version of her surname/ maiden name or her favourite flower or sweet or something? For example if I wanted to go down that road with my grandma’s favourite things for a pet name I could use Toffee as she always used to buy the blocks of toffee with the hammer, or Cherry as one of my strongest memories is being excited to visit her as she always had cherryade from the pop man!

PegasusReturns · 31/07/2021 10:57

Your friend is being ridiculous but that doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling genuinely sad about not having a daughter. It can be difficult coming to terms with having no more children, especially if you’ve been hoping for one particular sex.

So the question is not should you use the name, it’s so you want to hurt your friend. Because using the name will hurt her, no matter how absurd you or posters might think that is.

Personally I would put friendship over naming a dog every day of the week.

PegasusReturns · 31/07/2021 10:57

Ah I see you’ve made a decision already - I think that’s the right one.

AngryWhompingWillow · 31/07/2021 10:58

@gerbilfur

My friend is more important to me than the name. I think I am going to change it.

I think it's a wise decision to not use the name. As pp have said, she is having her 3rd son, and it's quite possible that she wanted a girl, and this will be a painful reminder of the fact she still has no daughter.

Any other time, I would say 'no-one owns a name,' but on this occasion, I'd say do not use the name. Not worth losing a 30 year friendship over it.

@NormanStangerson

I cannot understand people taking the side of the insane friend. Use the name. Your friend will get over herself eventually.

Well, aren't YOU charming? Hmm

Onthebrink87 · 31/07/2021 10:58

I've never understood this, I have 3 sons and I'd find it hilarious if I had a friend with 3 dogs with matching names! Surely it's more a sensitivity at her not having a dd?

TraLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 31/07/2021 11:00

I think you are being very kind by choosing another name, especially as you liked it so much

PegasusReturns · 31/07/2021 11:03

@NormanStangerson

I cannot understand people taking the side of the insane friend. Use the name. Your friend will get over herself eventually

Are you someone who struggles to maintain friendships and relationships? Because that is an extraordinary statement. Friends support friends even when they are being crazy. Because we all have our moments.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 31/07/2021 11:03

@LindaEllen

Do it. If your friend does ever have a DD, when she grows up she will love the fact that she shares a name with the dog.
What a totally bizarre suggestion. Is there something in the DNA of girls that means you know that they all love to share their name with someone's dog. Where are you getting that from? Confused

I remember a previous thread on exactly this problem although I can't remember which side of the issue the OP was on

Have you posted this before, does anyone else remember?

TwinsandTrifle · 31/07/2021 11:06

Surely it's more a sensitivity at her not having a dd?

Well, yes.

So absolutely not the right thing to simultaneously buy a puppy and use that one, specific name.

"Because it was my grandmother's favourite name..." Her favourite name. That she didn't use herself at any opportunity.

NormanStangerson · 31/07/2021 11:07

[quote PegasusReturns]@NormanStangerson

I cannot understand people taking the side of the insane friend. Use the name. Your friend will get over herself eventually

Are you someone who struggles to maintain friendships and relationships? Because that is an extraordinary statement. Friends support friends even when they are being crazy. Because we all have our moments.[/quote]
Not a bit of it, but surely it’s kinder to act normally in spite of a person’s odd behaviour, rather than enable it? The friend doesn’t own the name, not only that, she’s not even using the name. The name is also special to the OP. Why oh why can’t she use it?! Confused I may have put it bluntly but I stand by it.

NormanStangerson · 31/07/2021 11:14

Have I missed the name somewhere in the thread? I bet it’s something really usual.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 31/07/2021 11:16

Her favourite name. That she didn't use herself at any opportunity.

She might not have had the opportunity - if it's a female name and she only had male offspring.

The OP's name would have been chosen by her parents, not a grandparent.

TwinsandTrifle · 31/07/2021 11:17

But surely it’s kinder to act normally in spite of a person’s odd behaviour, rather than enable it?

It's odd that the friend, who is having her 3rd son, won't be having more children, might have liked a DD, and could be sad knowing that she never will now.

The friend doesn’t own the name

Correct.

not only that, she’s not even using the name.

No, she's not. And she's coming to terms that she never will. It's not a flippant, "meh, useless name to me now". As evident from her sensitivity about it.

The name is also special to the OP.

It was her grandmother's favourite name? So loved that she didn't actually use it herself Hmm

Why oh why can’t she use it?!

Because a friend of 30 years, processing that they won't ever have a DD (or DS, if she'd had 3 DD instead), and that specific name knowingly assigned to that child, who they will now never have, trumps a puppy name! I can't believe that even needs to be said.

Imcatmum · 31/07/2021 11:17

@LimeRedBanana

FGS. Cop onto yourself.

It’s a puppy. Just choose another name? Confused

Or, you know, fall out with your friend, if the name for the dog(??) is so important to you.

P.S. Confused

Totally agree with this. Don't be a twat.
NormanStangerson · 31/07/2021 11:44

Maybe I’m dismissive because I’m rational someone close to me has just named their first baby the same name as my 12-year-old horse, that I bred myself at home. It didn’t even occur to me to think anything of this as if they’re happy, I’m happy. They’ve ridden this horse many times by the way, including while pregnant 😂

TwinsandTrifle · 31/07/2021 11:49

That's not the same at all.

PegasusReturns · 31/07/2021 12:27

The name is also special to the OP. Why oh why can’t she use it?!

She can use it but the consequence will be she upsets her friend and possibly loses a friendship. It doesn’t really matter whether the friends behaviour is bizarre or not it’s the way she feels. OP cannot change that.

Abouttimemum · 31/07/2021 12:29

Your friend is being ridiculous but if you don’t want to upset her you’ll have to indulge her I’m afraid. Madness! I don’t understand all this nonsense about names.

AmberIsACertainty · 31/07/2021 12:40

I can't imagine a conversation where someone who isn't pregnant goes on about their "favourite name" so much that the name forever after reminds me of them. It's bizarre.

TwinsandTrifle · 31/07/2021 13:27

I can't imagine a conversation where someone who isn't pregnant goes on about their "favourite name" so much that the name forever after reminds me of them. It's bizarre.

Yep.

In contrast to someone who's had a DS (but if it was a girl, he would have been "Jane") then a second DS (who, if it were a girl would have been Jane) then a third DS (who.... would have been Jane) and then states that they can't have any more children, so will never have "Jane." While she will love her 3 boys, I have no doubt that there will have been a part of her that is sad she will now never experience having a daughter. As she appears sensitive over the name her daughter would have been.

So, yeah, naming a dog the same thing, as if equally valid, so she has a constant reminder, is a thoughtless thing to do.

My great aunt had two boys and openly said she wished for a girl as well, but they had to stop at two. My friend has 7 (I know!) boys, and would have loved a daughter in the brood. Another friend has 3 daughters and they are openly trying for another in the hope they get a son, and whatever the child is, it will be their last. You don't love the actual child less, but I completely understand the almost mourning of a child that will never be.

The friend is not weird or insane. It's not just a name. This isn't "her first rabbit was called Poppy and now she doesn't want me to name my gerbil that."

PrincessNutella · 31/07/2021 13:33

I think you are making the right choice. Yes, we are all individuals and can do what we want in the world. But the name would remind her of something sad every time you said it.

chunderwunder · 31/07/2021 13:49

I have a girl's name that I use for the daughter I'll never have. I'm obsessed with it. It's the most beautiful name in the world. I think it would be quite sweet if my best mate used it. I don't own it, I'll never use it and it kinda gives it some life.