Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my ex to look after his children.

33 replies

grecianurn82 · 31/07/2021 08:42

Ex and I separated 4 years ago, we have 2 young children. He doesn't work, not that he can't, he just doesn't bother. 3 years ago I got a part time job, one day a week, 12 hour shift. Our children have autism which is why i can't work fulltime. We agreed that instead of paying maintenance he would look after them the day I work. Now he is saying I'm taking advantage of him and he is demanding I pay him. He still does not pay maintenance. Is this situation unfair (for him)?

OP posts:
Wjevtvha · 31/07/2021 08:44

He is crazy! Why on earth would you pay him?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/07/2021 08:45

He’s an arsehole. However, if he has no real income/assets, you’d get bugger all maintenance anyway. Best to negotiate with him. This is his time with the DC. Not a job.

Iloveacurry · 31/07/2021 08:50

Ask him to pay you for ‘looking after’ his kids the other 6 days of the week!

Cattitudes · 31/07/2021 08:53

If you went through the CSA then assuming he doesn't have them overnight at all they would still take maintenance from him even though he has contact one day a week so he is still onto a good thing. Does he not want to see his children? How would he propose arranging contact if not on the day you work? Assuming the youngest must be starting school soon and should be eligible for nursery could you start to think aboutgetting a term time only, school hours job, I know they are hard to find but it would reduce your reliance on him.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 31/07/2021 08:54

Hell no they are his children. He’s not a a friend babysitting them he’s parenting his own children. Honestly he’s not working so really could be doing more to help you out. Allowing you to work more hours if you wanted to. I completely understand if you don’t as also have a child with autism so I know it’s not easy but with the correct support you could definitely work more hours.

feelingmehtoday · 31/07/2021 08:58

Wtf. 😳

MyFartWillGoOn · 31/07/2021 08:58

I have read some outrageous stories of terrible parents here but this 'dad' takes the biscuit!

thirdfiddle · 31/07/2021 08:58

So you are looking after them 6 days and he's looking after them one? Cheeky sod. Ask his daily rate then tell him he owes you 5x it weekly on balance?

Sirzy · 31/07/2021 09:02

Go through CMS and get maintainance sorted - he is taking the piss! You don’t get paid for taking care of your own children

Palavah · 31/07/2021 09:03

Put in a CMS claim!

Chickychoccyegg · 31/07/2021 09:03

Hahahaha, surely he cannot be serious 🤣, what an idiot!!
Give him your bill for the other 6 days?

MumW · 31/07/2021 09:04

If he is on benefits, I think the CSA will still take a token amount. I think my DB had to pay £5 per child from his benefits.
Claim that, divide by 7(or 30 if it's monthly), multiply by number of days he has them and give that pittance back to make a point.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/07/2021 09:07

Put in a CMS claim right away and don't tolerate anymore of this bullshit.
My ex husband was so anti paying CMS for his son he went abroad to live for the whole of my sone childhood and paid not a penny.
Came back when my son was 18 not having seen him for 13 years or sent so much as a birthday card expecting a full on dad/son relationship and was astonished when my DS told him to fuck off.

flossletsfloss · 31/07/2021 09:09

Good god make a maintenance claim!! AND expect him to look after the children MORE than one day a week! What a total bastard!

Workinghardeveryday · 31/07/2021 09:16

Seriously @grecianurn82 please do not pay this man to look after his own kids!!! That is absolutely crazy!! He is a shit for even thinking it never mind asking you!!
I am stunned. What a knob.

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 09:17

Go to CMS you will only get £5 per wee from his benefits but I would claim on principle.

2catsandhappy · 31/07/2021 09:19

So he wants to use his child as a way to get money? What a knob.
Put a cms claim in.

Unanananana · 31/07/2021 09:20

What batshittery am I reading?! Why would you even ask?! WTF is wrong with him? And why would ypu even consider it?

Meraas · 31/07/2021 09:22

You’re not alone, I’ve seen a couple of threads about similar men demanding money.

Are you entitled to any free nursery hours?

Please don’t pay him.

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2021 09:23

What a joker! I agree, put in a proper maintenance claim or at least bill him for the other six days of the week! What an idiot.

Greenrubber · 31/07/2021 09:27

So he doesn't want to spend time with his children!
Loser

hibbledibble · 31/07/2021 09:55

You have a right to child maintenance, but do be aware that you will get small change is he is on benefits (£7 a week or so). Obviously childcare for a day would cost a lot more. Best for you likely if you can keep the childcare and forego the paltry maintenance for the moment, but you may not have a chance if he is demanding payment. Obviously, don't pay him to look after his own children.

Original poster
grecianurn82 · 31/07/2021 10:12

Thanks so much for the replies. He was actually starting to make me think i was being completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 31/07/2021 10:17

Does your child get dla? Would it be worth while claiming as his carer and leaving the one day a week job

Original poster
grecianurn82 · 31/07/2021 10:18

@Cattitudes yes the girls are both in school now. I have gone back to college to complete a masters so I'm hoping this will give me more options regarding work. Its hard to find something to work around school hours/holidays. Then one if the girls has weekly appointments with a behaviour therapist and paediatrician and various other apps regularly. She also has recurring croup which means she misses school for a couple of days every few weeks and i have no other childcare options at present. You're right though, things need to change so I rely on him less

OP posts: