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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my stepmum to my mum's memorial?

45 replies

Di11y · 30/07/2021 21:05

It's been 25 years since my mum died (I was 13), one of my brothers never really grieved at the time and has had counselling and would like a gathering to reflect and share about mum, to provide closure.

The problem is our dad is very deaf and has severe anxiety. He lip reads and can understand conversations with difficulty. He remarried 2 years after mum died. SM is a 'difficult' person, we tolerate her. Dad doesn't want to travel to attend (3.5 hours, my DB is happy to travel and chauffer him) without her at the gathering.

AIBU to not want her there, even if it means dad doesn't attend? I feel like she'll be sitting in the corner judging and if dad gets choked up or sentimental that she'll be angry at him. She's very insecure.

It would also probably mean moving the gathering to closer to dad and therefore not have wider family there.

YABU - it's important we make sure dad is included, even if that means SM comes too.

YANBU - its more important I and my brothers are comfortable to open up at the service than for my dad to be there.

OP posts:
Fullofglee · 30/07/2021 21:07

Have your own private memorial.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 30/07/2021 21:07

Sorry but if he was your mum's husband, he should be there and if he wants his wife's support then he should have it. As awful as it must be for you, it's not up to you to dictate the guest list.

annacondom · 30/07/2021 21:11

I think if your SM will make you feel uncomfortable then it's better that she and your dad aren't there.

annacondom · 30/07/2021 21:12

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Sorry but if he was your mum's husband, he should be there and if he wants his wife's support then he should have it. As awful as it must be for you, it's not up to you to dictate the guest list.
Why should he be there?
Gensola · 30/07/2021 21:12

I don’t think it’s fair to exclude your dad if he wants to be there. He’s been married to this woman for 23 years, so he’s entitled to her support especially with him being disabled and needing extra support.

Original poster
Di11y · 30/07/2021 21:13

To clarify, perhaps memorial service isn't the right term, we're thinking a gathering of family, mums siblings, niece/nephews. Not wider friends etc.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 30/07/2021 21:14

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Sorry but if he was your mum's husband, he should be there and if he wants his wife's support then he should have it. As awful as it must be for you, it's not up to you to dictate the guest list.
Of course it's up to them to decide who is invited, it's a private memorial!!

@Di11y. Do what's best for yourself & your siblings. You don't need anyone 'difficult' there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2021 21:16

How much does your dad want to be there? How much do you want him there?

I’d have gone siblings only and not invited him given you know his challenges and how he relies on her and how much you don’t like her. She’s been his wife for 23 years, it’s understandable he wants her there. And you knew that would be the case before any arrangements were made.

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2021 21:16

If Prince Charles can get knocked off the guest list, then anyone can.
Your stepmother is going to change the dynamic and it is going to make her feel uncomfortable, would she take it out on your Dad at all? I think it's best that it is blood family only and their partners.

Intherightplace · 30/07/2021 21:17

I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal for him to have his wife there.

If you want a private event for you and your brother, organise that. If you want a bigger event, then yes, your father's wife should be included.

Costumeidea · 30/07/2021 21:17

@annacondom because it was his wife? He remarried after she died.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2021 21:18

@Di11y

To clarify, perhaps memorial service isn't the right term, we're thinking a gathering of family, mums siblings, niece/nephews. Not wider friends etc.
You shouldn’t have invited your dad.
Original poster
Di11y · 30/07/2021 21:20

I promise I'm taking on the YABU comments.

I feel like dad moved on when he remarried, if he's not willing to leave SM behind knowing it'll have an impact on his kids he doesn't get to be there. The service is primarily for my brother, dad's never suggested doing one. But my older brother thinks they should both come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Di11y · 30/07/2021 21:20

(I've got 2, younger one is the one who's has counselling.)

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/07/2021 21:21

You're going to need to split this memorial into two. One 'official' bit your dad and step mum go to, and another bit just for 'your mum's side of the family' where you and your brother can speak more openly.

Popetthetreehugger · 30/07/2021 21:24

This is for you and your brothers , if this woman isn’t a integral part of your family after all these years then don’t invite unless your dad would be devastated to miss it . I’d reiterate that a door to door service is there for the taking . He must know she would ruin the spirit of the event , in fact speaks volumes that she hasn’t stepped back and given her blessing for him to go with your brother 💐

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 30/07/2021 21:26

Why should he be there?

I don't know @annacondom can you think of a reason as to why a widower should attend the memorial of his wife and mother of his children?

Chloemol · 30/07/2021 21:26

This is for your brother, to help him

I would be guided by him, if he knows your father won’t come alone ( if that’s what he wants) then he has to decide

I also wouldn’t move the event closer if it means some of the wider family you want there couldn’t come, especially if there is an offer to collect him

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 30/07/2021 21:28

I can't believe how many people are saying a man should be excluded from his wife's memorial just in case his second wife may be or could do X Y and Z. Why cancel someone's plans over something that hasn't even happened!

Original poster
Di11y · 30/07/2021 21:29

It's dad who's insisting SM comes. She's saying he can go alone (you never know if she'd give him/us grief after) He's generally insistent it's both of them or neither of them for everything so she's not excluded. He's never visited on his own etc. He's refusing to come without her.

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 30/07/2021 21:30

I feel like dad moved on when he remarried

OP, with the greatest of respect, why shouldn't he have moved on? He was a young widower, who clearly didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone.

if he's not willing to leave SM behind knowing it'll have an impact on his kids he doesn't get to be the

Don't you think he's entitled to be there given she was his wife? It sounds like he's being treated as an afterthought...or like he's being punished for remarrying

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 30/07/2021 21:31

@Di11y

It's dad who's insisting SM comes. She's saying he can go alone (you never know if she'd give him/us grief after) He's generally insistent it's both of them or neither of them for everything so she's not excluded. He's never visited on his own etc. He's refusing to come without her.
Why doesn't he think he can cope without her? Are any of you close to him? Do you think his remarrying has had a negative impact on his relationships with his children?
Tinpotspectator · 30/07/2021 21:33

Your dad does not need to be there

ittakes2 · 30/07/2021 21:35

I see this as something your brother has instigated not your dad so I would go with what the siblings want.

Wjevtvha · 30/07/2021 21:36

It’s to help your brother process his grief so you’re not being unreasonable to make it so that it works for you and your siblings. It’s your dads choice not to come