AIBU to not invite my stepmum to my mum's memorial?

[Di11y]

It's been 25 years since my mum died (I was 13), one of my brothers never really grieved at the time and has had counselling and would like a gathering to reflect and share about mum, to provide closure.

The problem is our dad is very deaf and has severe anxiety. He lip reads and can understand conversations with difficulty. He remarried 2 years after mum died. SM is a 'difficult' person, we tolerate her. Dad doesn't want to travel to attend (3.5 hours, my DB is happy to travel and chauffer him) without her at the gathering.

AIBU to not want her there, even if it means dad doesn't attend? I feel like she'll be sitting in the corner judging and if dad gets choked up or sentimental that she'll be angry at him. She's very insecure.

It would also probably mean moving the gathering to closer to dad and therefore not have wider family there.

YABU - it's important we make sure dad is included, even if that means SM comes too.

YANBU - its more important I and my brothers are comfortable to open up at the service than for my dad to be there.

@Di11y

It's dad who's insisting SM comes. She's saying he can go alone (you never know if she'd give him/us grief after) He's generally insistent it's both of them or neither of them for everything so she's not excluded. He's never visited on his own etc. He's refusing to come without her.

This is his wife of 23 years, of course she shouldn't be excluded. He is also essentially deaf and has very serious anxiety, so I think it would be quite cruel to expect him to travel so far without his wife who is no doubt his main source of support. You say she's difficult, yet the biggest concerns you have are that she sits in a corner "judging" or she gets angry with your dad if he gets emotional. Sorry, but I really don't see what the big deal is, and you're also looking for problems that don't even exist yet. If she gets upset with your dad I'm sure he can handle it. All you would have to do is be polite and largely ignore her at the service.

He's told you he won't go without her so invite him or don't. Your choice.

It's a strange one, at my mums funeral, I had who she would have wanted there as it was a her day.
I'm assuming your mum and dad were still together so he lost his wife, but I know my dad would not have anyone at all who made us uncomfortable at anything relating to our mum.

• your stepmother (understandably) doesn’t really want to go
• your dad needs support for anxiety and deafness and wants her to support him

If you invite your dad, you have to let him choose his support person. And it would be pretty shitty to ‘ban’ your stepmother.

But equally, you don’t necessarily need to invite your dad.

If it is a huge event attended by everyone she ever met, then yes, your dad should be there and his wife/support person will blend into the background.

If it is small (your brothers and your immediate families, your mothers ‘s immediate family) then you could chose to exclude your dad. As children, you will remember your mother very differently to the way that your dad does.

By the sounds of it this is a way for family to get together and remember your mum and perhaps allow your brother to process some of his grief. Your dad managed to move to move on enough to remarry so doesn't need this. Its a private memorial so you can choose the guest list. If SM won't add anything to anyone else there and actually will cause upset then she shouldn't be there.

I honestly don’t understand the posters saying your dad doesn’t need to be there. Am I right in thinking your parents were together when your mum died? If so he absolutely should be there (with his current wife if she brings him comfort).

Unless there’s a huge backstory it seems cruel to block him from attending.

Maybe you could do something privately with your brother?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop it's fine that he's moved on. I'm glad honestly. But if that's the case, how much benefit would the memorial be to him?

My brother and SM are effectively estranged. He's (only recently) willing to be around her but has no interest in a relationship with her due to how she's been with him in years gone by. But by my dad always saying see her too or don't see me, it's damaged the relationship.

Well, your dad is choosing to not attend, and I would not invite his wife or even want her there, unless she was liked by your mum, and a friend of hers who mourned her loss.

OP are you trying to please your DB too as well as worry about your DF and SM? Is this something you want?

The way I see it is that this is for your brother and not really for anyone else. Your brother wants his dad there but not his step-mum. I can understand that.
You have to phrase it to your Dad in such a way that he understands that this is not really for you or him it's for your brother, his son, and in order to help him deal with the tragic event that happened 25 years ago, he (your dad) has to come without his wife or not at all. Your brother is not going to be one to forgive or forget that his dad couldn't do this for him if he insists on bringing your step-mum, so your dad has to bear that in mind.

@Di11y

It's dad who's insisting SM comes. She's saying he can go alone (you never know if she'd give him/us grief after) He's generally insistent it's both of them or neither of them for everything so she's not excluded. He's never visited on his own etc. He's refusing to come without her.

If he’s refusing to come without SM, then he doesn’t really want to be there.

His relationship with his long-deceased wife is very, very different from your relationship with your mother.

If he doesn’t want to be there, which is entirely understandable since he’s long since moved on from that relationship, he doesn’t have to be there.

It seems contrived to have him there, in all honesty.

Your brother is arranging it, for his benefit.

Your dad is invited. Your SM is willing not to come. Your dad is refusing to come.

Have the gathering without him. It natural he’s moved on and he and SM have been together a long time. It’s natural he relies on her.

Be careful that no one (unconsciously, perhaps, or knowingly) sets this up as a Proof of Love issue. It doesn’t mean your dad loves you and your siblings less if he doesn’t come.

If the event is for you siblings to gather, make it that. Try not to make a big deal of this. It’s never going to be an easy thing to be invited or not invited to a 25-year memorial of your husband’s previous wife, and doubly so if relationships are already strained.

Be gracious. “We understand, Dad. Would you like to put a few words in a letter to be read out instead?”

My brother and SM are effectively estranged. He's (only recently) willing to be around her but has no interest in a relationship with her due to how she's been with him in years gone by. But by my dad always saying see her too or don't see me, it's damaged the relationship.

This event cannot fix this relationship. Don’t let it be set up to make more conflict either.

@NoSquirrels that's the way I'm feeling. I agree about the proof of love thing, I see that, likely not so much my brother.

Totally agree with @NoSquirrels - people are invited, and they either come or they don’t.

Quite simple.

Urgh, the relationship with DF & SM is already so strained. The irony is she feels rejected because she is rejected - all because dad pushed so much for her not to be. Anyway. Must sleep.

OP, I can relate to what you're saying. I think on this occasion, it would be good if he could leave his wife behind and let him, you/your brother support each other. I think it's hurtful of him to not consider his kids' feelings in this.

I assume he has been married longer to SM than he was to your DM

@ineedaholidaynow

I assume he has been married longer to SM than he was to your DM

Yes, by about 5 years, but I don't really see what that's got to do with anything. He's confided he's lucky to have SM but mum was the love of his life.

@Di11y

Urgh, the relationship with DF & SM is already so strained. The irony is she feels rejected because she is rejected - all because dad pushed so much for her not to be. Anyway. Must sleep.

Yes, understand totally this dynamic - everything you’re saying about your dad is what my FIL did with his second wife and it also ruined relationships, and she is also a difficult person.

You (your brother) somehow have to come to terms with the fact that your dad cannot heal this particular hurt. It is what it is. Don’t make it worse by making this memorial a reason to deepen the wound. Suggest your brother goes back to counselling for this, tbh.

@beentoldcomputersaysno

OP, I can relate to what you're saying. I think on this occasion, it would be good if he could leave his wife behind and let him, you/your brother support each other. I think it's hurtful of him to not consider his kids' feelings in this.

Totally agree that it would be good if he would, and even that he should. And that it’s hurtful if he won’t.

But he won’t. And even planning this event was basically poking a wasp’s nest, in a way, because OP and her siblings could be pretty sure their dad wouldn’t come alone.

So you have to let go of the expectation of what ‘a loving parent’ would do and accept what your own, flawed but human, parent will do.

It totally sucks but you cannot do anything to change it so you have to accept it and try to heal your hurt by sitting with it somehow.